Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A letter an 83-year-old lady wrote to her grandson.

My dear grandson,

Some days ago, I experienced something wonderful, which I want to share with you.

I went to a religious shop and found a car sticker saying: “Honk if you love God!”

I decided to buy it and stick it on the bumper of my car.

When I went away, I was in the rush hour. Almost 100 degrees outside. I was at a very busy crossroads, with lots of traffic.

I stopped there, as the traffic light was red, and I decided to thank God for everything he gave me.

Although I didn’t realize that the traffic light had turned green, I found out that there were a lot of people who loved God, because they began to honk… It was wonderful!

The man in the car behind me was, for sure, very religious, as he was honking repeatedly and shouting “For the love of God!”. Just like him, a lot of people began to honk as well. I happily smiled and waved, with my hand out of the car window.

I also noticed that a guy behind me was waving in a very special way, pointing his middle finger at me.

I asked your cousin Alex, who was with me, what that gesture meant.

He told me it was a “Hawaiian salutation”, to wish good luck!

So I began to greet everyone the same way.

Alex was laughing a lot, probably because of the marvelous religious experience he was going through.

Two men got out of their car and walked toward ours. I believe they wanted to pray with me, or perhaps they wanted to know what church I go to. But then I realized that the traffic light was green!

I greeted my brothers and sisters with my Hawaiian salutation and moved forward.

However, I also noticed that my car was the only one that moved, as the light turned red after that.

I felt bad for leaving my beloved brothers and sisters behind after we shared so much love. I stopped, got out of the car, and did my Hawaiian salutation for the last time.

Don’t forget to thank God from the bottom of your heart when you go through something wonderful, such as this marvelous experience I had with all these men and women.

Sincerely,

Your grandmother.

Following Smith’s physical, Dr. Bernard sent his patient a bill.
A month went by without a remittance, the office sent the first letter… another bill, and then another, and then a fourth, but no payment came…
Finally he sent Smith a pathetic letter, claiming desperately strained circumstances and enclosing a shot of his infant daughter.
On the back of the snapshot he wrote, “The reason I desperately need the money you owe me!”
Barely a week later a response from Smith arrived in the mail.
Dr. Bernard ripped it open eagerly, and found himself holding a picture of a gorgeous woman in a full length mink coat.
On the back of the photograph the patient had scrawled, “The reason I can’t pay!”

One night a blonde nun was praying in her room when
God appeared before her.
“My daughter, you have pleased me greatly.
Your heart is full of love for your fellow creatures and your
actions and prayers are always for the benefit of others.
I have come to you, not only to thank and commend
you, but to grant you anything you wish,” said God.
“Dear Heavenly Father, I am perfectly happy.
I am a bride of Christ.
I am doing what I love.
I lack for nothing material since the Church supports me.
I am content in all ways,” said the nun.
“There must be something you would have of me,” said God.
“Well, there is one thing,” she said.
“Just name it,” said God.
“It’s those blonde jokes.
They are so demeaning to blondes everywhere,
not just to me. I would like for blonde jokes to stop.”
“Consider it done,” said God.
“Blonde jokes shall be stricken from the minds of humans everywhere.
But surely there is something that I could do just for you.”
“There is one thing.
But it’s really small, and not worth your time,” said the nun.
“Name it. Please,” said God.
“It’s the M&M’s,” said the nun.
“They’re so hard to peel…”

A woman wants to divorce her husband, so she is talking to her lawyer.

Lawyer: “Well first we need a reason, is he not giving you money?”

Woman: “if he hides as much as a dollar from me, I’m not cooking for him for three days straight.”

Lawyer: “Well is he beating you?”

Woman: “Him? I’d throw him through the window, with my left hand only”

Lawyer: “How about being faithful?”

Women: “That’s where we get him! The second child is not from him.”

They are sitting in the waiting room talking about why they are there.

The first one tells the others, “Well, it’s so sad, I’m here because I bit my owner’s hand. I’m so sorry about it, but still they want me to be euthanized.”

The second one tells a similar story, “Yeah, I feel you, man. I bit my owner’s butt. I tried to apologize, but they wouldn’t listen. I’m also here to be euthanized.”

The third starts telling his story, “Well, it’s a longer story… One day I went up the stairs into my owner’s bathroom. She had just been taking a shower. I usually am not allowed to go there but my curiosity got the best of me. I entered the room and that’s when I saw her, my owner, butt naked, crawling on the floor, wiping up the water from the shower, giving me a perfect view. It was so inviting that I couldn’t hold back. I jumped on her and had the time of my life with her…”

“Aww, that’s so sad. Now she’ll have you euthanized as well, I guess?” said the second dog.

“Naaah,” the third dog said, “I’m just here to have my claws cut.”