Daily Joke: Jokes Library

Every morning, the CEO of a major bank in Manhattan went to the corner where a shoeshine man was always there. He used to sit on the chair, read the Wall Street Journal, and the humble shoeshine man gave his shoes a shiny, great look.

One morning, the shoeshine man asks the CEO: What do you think of the stock market situation?

The Director arrogantly asks him: Why are you so interested in this subject?

The shoeshine man replies: I have a million dollars invested in your bank and I am thinking about investing part of the money in the stock market.

The CEO of the bank asks: What is your name?

He replies: John Smith H.

The Director arrives at the bank and asks the Manager of the Major Accounts Department: Do we have a customer named John Smith H.?

The Customer Service Manager for Major Accounts replies: We certainly do, Sir! He is an extremely esteemed customer! He has a million dollars in his account.

The CEO leaves the bank, approaches the shoeshine boy, and says: Mr. Smith, I would like to invite you to be our guest of honor at our board meeting next Monday and tell us your life story. I’m sure we will have a lot to learn from you.

At the board meeting, the CEO introduces him to the board members:

We all know Mr. Smith, who makes our shoes shine like no one else. But Mr. Smith is also our valued customer, with a million dollars in his account. I invited him to tell us the story of his life. I’m sure we can learn a lot from him. Please, Mr. Smith, tell us your life story.

Then, Mr. Smith began to narrate his story:
I came to this country fifty years ago as a young immigrant from Europe and with a weird and unpronounceable name. I left the ship penniless in my pocket. The first thing I did was to change my name to Smith. I was hungry and exhausted. I started to wander in search for a job, but without success. Suddenly, I found a coin on the sidewalk. I bought some apples. Eat the apples and quench my hunger or start a business.

I sold the apples for 50 cents and bought more apples with the money. When I started accumulating dollars, I managed to buy a set of used brushes and shoe polishes and started cleaning shoes. I didn’t spend a dime on fun or clothes. I only bought bread and cheese to survive. I saved penny by penny and after a while I bought a new set of brushes and shoe polishes in different shades and colors and increased my clientele.

I lived like a monk and saved a penny after penny.

After a while, I managed to buy a chair so that my customers could sit comfortably while I cleaned their shoes, which brought me more customers.

I didn’t spend a dime on the pleasures of life. I kept saving every penny. A few years ago, when the corner shoeshine colleague decided to retire, I had already saved enough money to buy his point, which was a better place than mine.

Finally, three months ago, my sister, who was a whore in Chicago, passed away and left me a million dollars….

A motorist, driving by a Texas ranch, hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road. The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened. He then asked what the animal was worth.

“Oh, about $200 today,” said the rancher. “But in six years it would have been worth $900. So $900 is what I’m out.”

The motorist sat down and wrote out a check and handed it to the farmer.

“Here,” he said, “is the check for $900. It’s postdated six years from now.”

A little girl in first grade was doing very well especially in spelling. One day she came home with new words to study for an upcoming test and she asked her mother to help. They came to the word “knit” and her mother asked her to spell it.

She said, “N-i-t.”

Her mother said, “No, try again.”

She said, very slowly, “N-i-t.”

Her mother said, “Now, honey, I know you know how to spell this word, try again.”

Very aggravated and very slowly, as if her mother was just not getting the whole picture, she spelled, “N-I-T!”

Finally, her mother told her that the correct spelling was k-n-i-t. The little girl looked at her mother, put her hands on her hips and said, “THE ‘K’ IS SILENT!”

A retired officer goes to a shop and asks the young shopkeeper, “Give me 742 grains of green gram.”

The boy, without speaking a word, quickly weighs 200 grams of green gram and gives it to the customer.

Customer asks him, “Are there really 742 grains in this packing?”

Youngster replies, “Of course, you can go home and count. My dad has counted and established that each kilo of green gram comprises of 3710 grains. Therefore, for 200 grams, it should contain 742 grains.”

Customer gets even more curious and asks the youngster, “What does your dad do?”

Youngster replies: “He is also retired, like you.

Sam Cohen, father of 3 and faithful husband for over 40 years, unexpectedly drops dead one day. His lawyer informs his widow that Stu Schwartz, Sam’s best friend since childhood, is to be executor of the will. The day comes to divide Sam’s earthly possessions, over a million dollars’ worth. In front of Sam’s family, Stu reads the will:

“Stu, if you’re reading this, then I must be dead. You’ve were such a good friend for so long, how can I ignore you in this will? On the other hand, there are my beloved Sophie and my children to be looked after. Stu, I know you can make sure my family is taken care of properly. So Stu, give what you want to her and take the rest for yourself.” Stu then looks at the survivors and tells them that, in accordance with Sam’s instructions, Stu will give fifty thousand dollars to Sam’s widow. The rest he is retaining for himself.

The family is beside itself. “This is impossible! Forty years of marriage and then *this*?! It can’t be!” So the family sues. Their day in court arrives, and after testimony from both sides, the judge gives his verdict: “To Stuart Schwartz, I award fifty thousand dollars of the contested money. The remainder shall go to Sophie Cohen, widow of the deceased.”

Needless to say, the family is elated, but Stu is dumbfound. “Your honor, how can you do this? The will made Sam’s wishes quite clear: ‘Give what you want to her and take the rest for yourself!’ I wanted the lion’s share! What gives?”

The judge answered back, “Mr. Schwartz, Sam Cohen knew you his whole life. He wanted to give you something in gratitude. He also wanted to see his family taken care of. So he drew up his will accordingly. But you misread his instructions. You see, Sam knew just what kind of a person you are, so with his family’s interest in mind, he didn’t say, “Give what you want to her and keep the rest for yourself.’ No. What Sam said was, “Give what YOU want to HER; and keep the rest for yourself.”