Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A Canadian customer was calling to find out if there was a faster way to trigger menu commands than mousing up to the menus.
Agent: “Certainly, sir. There are keyboard shortcuts for many of those commands. For example, suppose you want to trigger the Select All command.”
Caller: “Yes, I use that one all the time! How do I do it?”
Agent: “Well, you just press Control-A.”
Caller (after a pause): “Well, that’s not working for me.”
Agent: “Do you have a text document open in front of you?”
Caller: “Yes, I sure do.”
Agent: “OK, now press Control-A.”
Caller: “I am, but nothing happens.”
Agent: “The text isn’t highlighted?”
Caller: “No, there’s no change at all.”
Agent: “That’s odd. If you press Control-A the whole document should be highlighted. Try it again. Press Control-A. Tell me exactly what’s happening.”
Caller (nearing his Canadian breaking point): “Listen. I’m pressing Control, eh? And nothing’s happening, eh?”

Bambi, the blonde in her fourth freshman year at UCLA,
sat in her U.S. Government class.
The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs.
Wade was about.
Bambi thought a moment, then answered,
“that was the decision George Washington had to make when
he decided to cross the Delaware.”

Johnny noticed that Jimmy was wearing a brand new, shiny watch.

“Did you get that for your birthday?” asked Johnny.

“Nope,” replied Jimmy.

“Well, did you get it for Christmas then?”

Again Jimmy said, “Nope.”

“You didn’t steal it, did you?” asked Johnny.

“No,” said Jimmy. “I went into Mom and Dad’s bedroom the other night when they were ‘doing the nasty”. Dad gave me his watch to get rid of me.”

Johnny was extremely impressed with this idea, and extremely jealous of Jimmy’s new watch. He vowed to get one for himself. That night, he waited outside his parents’ bedroom until he heard the unmistakable noises of lovemaking. Just then, he swung the door wide open and boldly strode into the bedroom.

His father, caught in mid stroke, turned and said angrily, “What do you want now?”

“I wanna watch,” Johnny replied.

Without missing a stroke, his father said, “Fine. Stand in the corner and watch, but keep quiet.”

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his beautiful, blond, female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.
She opened it, looked inside, slammed it shut, and stormed back into her house.
A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox, again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came again.
She marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions, the man asked her, “Is something wrong?”
To which she replied, “There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps telling me I’ve got mail!”

A middle aged man was talking to his elderly father.

“I wanted to thank you dad, I remember when I was younger and first dating girls you gave me a piece of advice. You said ‘good companion, good in bed, good mother – pick two'”

The father looked kindly at his son and nodded.

“Well, I feel like I have a good life. My wife is kind to me and a lovely mother to our three kids.” The father nodded back to his son with a knowing look and replied.

“That’s great son, but when I said ‘pick two’ I meant pick the second one.”