Daily Joke: Jokes Library

In school the lesson was about the word “contagious”.
The teacher asked the class if anyone could use the word contagious in a sentence.
One girl raised her hand and said,  “I had the chicken pox and I couldn’t go outside and  play because it was contagious.”
The teacher replied, “That was good.
Can anyone else use contagious in a sentence?”
One of the boys said, “I couldn’t go over my friend’s house  because he had a cold and my mother said it was contagious.”
The teacher replied, “That’s good. Anyone else?”
Little Johnny said, “Last week when we had the snowstorm,  my father took the snowblower and blew all the snow into  my neighbor’s driveway.”
The teacher was upset and said,  “That was a horrible thing to do. And besides, it has nothing to do with the lesson.”
Johnny spoke up, “Yes it does.  My father came in the house laughing, saying it will take the contagious to shovel herself out.”

Three guys, a Polish guy, a Jewish guy and an Italian guy sign up for the police academy.

The Jewish guy goes in first and the Captain says to him, “We have to ask you one question before we admit you in to the academy, Who killed Jesus?”

The Jewish guy says “The Romans did it.”

The Captain says, “Right, you’re admitted.”

The Italian guy goes in next.

The Captain asks him the same thing. “We have to ask you one question first before you’re admitted to the Police Academy. Who killed Jesus?”

The Italian guy says “The Romans did it.”

The Captain says, “Right, you’re admitted.”

The Polish guy goes in and the Captain repeats the question.

The Polish guy says “Gee, I don’t know.”

The Captain tells him to go home and think about it for a week and come back and tell him.

The Polish guy goes home and his wife asked him how his first day went at the academy, and he says to her, “You won’t believe it! My first day on the job and they assigned me to a murder case!”

Yesterday I came back to my office from Court.
There was a new secretary (a very attractive blonde, of course?) in the office down the hall from me.
She flagged me down and asked for help.
“My floppy drive won’t work, can you help me ?” she asked.
I told her I’d take a look and proceeded over to her machine, where I found shredded up clear plastic Baggie-like stuff hanging out of her 3.5″ floppy drive.
While I spent the next 20 minutes getting out her disk and digging out the plastic, I noticed two guys, John and Dave, in the hall trying awfully hard to keep straight faces.
Suspecting some mischief, I asked her how the plastic got into the drive.
“Oh, you mean the condom!”, she said.
“Condom???”, I asked.
“Yes, John & Dave over there told me to always put a condom on my disk before inserting it, to prevent catching viruses.”
By this point, John & Dave were roaring, and it was all I could do to keep from joining them.
The “condom” turned out to be a standard 3.5″ plastic sleeve.
I delicately explained to her that a practical joke had been played, and she shouldn’t do that anymore, when she asked (as serious as one could be):
“Does that mean I don’t have to stroke it ten times or blow on it either?

A man is stranded on a desert island for 10 years…

One day he sees a beautiful woman in a swimsuit come ashore.

She says to him, “Tell me, how long has it been since you had a drink?”

He replies “Ten years” and with that she reveals a bottle of whiskey from within her swimsuit, which the man starts drinking from.

She then asks, “Tell me, how long has it been since you smoked a cigar?”

He replies “Again, 10 years” and with that she pulls out a cigar and lighter from within her swimsuit and he starts smoking.

She then seductively unzips her swimsuit and says, “Now tell me….how long has it been since you’ve had some real fun?”

“My god” he replies. “Don’t tell me you’ve got a Playstation in there!”

A man obsessed with trains finally steals one and immediately crashes it, killing several people…

At the trial, the man is found guilty of multiple murders and sentenced to death.

Before he faces his sentence, he’s offered a last meal, and asks for a single banana, which is given to him. The next day, he’s led to the electric chair. They strap him in, pull the switch, and… nothing happens.

There’s never been a failure before. But because you cannot punish a person twice for the same crime, the court is forced to let him go free.

Within a week’s time, naturally, the man, who is obsessed with trains, goes and steals another one. He doesn’t care that he can’t drive it or that he failed catastrophically before; he is obsessed with trains and his only desire is to operate one. As before, he crashes it, and kills several people. Again, he stands trial, and again, he is sentenced to death, showing no remorse, only delight that he got to operate the train.

His last meal request is a single banana.

When he goes to the chair, the executioner pulls the switch, but nothing happens. He goes free again.

The train-obsessed maniac, once more on the loose, wastes no time in hijacking a train and crashing it.

His trial is speedy, because this has already happened twice, and he is sentenced to death. They ask him what he’d like for his last meal.

“A single banana,” he says.

“Oh, no you don’t, you son of a bitch. We’re on to you, now. We know all about your little banana trick, and you’re not escaping this time!” The guards refuse his request, and instead serve him a standard last meal of steak, potatoes, and berry cobbler.

The next morning they strap him into the electric chair, pull the switch, and… nothing happens.

“Did you give him the banana?” demands the head guard.

“No, sir! He asked for the banana but we didn’t give it to him, we swear!” says one of the guards.

Turns out the banana had nothing to do with anything. He was just a really bad conductor.