Daily Joke: Jokes Library

I recently had a visitor from the state of Texas. For three days all I heard from him was… “In Texas we have the best this, the largest that, the fastest that, etc. etc.’ It eventually became very annoying.

I am from Niagara Falls and I thought I could outdo him by showing him the “Magnificent Niagara”, knowing there was nothing in Texas that could compare to this “Wonder of Water and Power”.

While standing at the brink watching millions of gallons of water rushing over, I noticed the look of awe in his eyes.

It was then I asked him, “Do you have anything like this in Texas?” He waited a moment before he answered, “No, but we have a plumber that could fix it.”

Morris had died. His lawyer is standing before the family and reads out Morris’ Last Will and Testament.

“To my dear wife Esther, I leave the house, 150 acres of land, and 1 million dollars.

To my son Barry, I leave my Big Lexus and the new Jaguar.

To my daughter Shirley, I leave my yacht and $250,000.

And to my brother-in-law Aaron, who always insisted that health is better than wealth, I leave my treadmill.”

Agency: Sir, we found 3 candidates as per your requirements. How do you want their placements, sir?

MD: Put about 100 bricks in a closed room. Then send the candidates into the room and close the door, leave them alone and come back after a few hours and analyse the situation:

1. If they are counting the bricks, put them in Accounts department.

2. If they are recounting the bricks, put them in Auditing.

3. If they messed up the whole room with the bricks, put them in Engineering.

4. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in Planning.

5. If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in Operations

6. If they are sleeping, put them in Security.

7. If they broke the bricks into pieces, put them in Information Technology.

8. If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resources.

9. If they say they have tried different combinations yet not a single brick has been moved, put them in Sales.

10. If they have already left for the day, Put them in Marketing.

11. If they are staring out of the window, put them in Strategic Planning. And…

12. If they are talking to each other and not a single brick has been touched, Congratulate them and put them in Top Management.

Paddy and Murphy fancy a pint but they only have one Euro between them.

Paddy takes the Euro, goes off and buys a Sausage.

Murphy says “R U Mad?” Now we’re skint!” Come on, says Paddy, follow me.

They go into the pub, order two pints and drink them down before they pay.

Paddy shoves the sausage through the zipper in his jeans and tells Murphy, “Get down on your knees and suck it”.

The barman goes berserk and throws them out. 10 Pubs and 10 Pints later Murphy says “I can’t do this anymore, my knees are sore and I’m pissed”.

“How do you think I feel”, says Paddy, “I can’t even remember which Pub I lost the sausage in”!

A nun was walking in the convent when one of the priests noticed she was gaining a little. weight. “Gaining a little weight are we sister Susan?” he asked.
“No, Father. Just a little gas.” sister Susan explained.
A month or so later the priest noticed that she had gained even more weight.
“Gaining some weight are we sister Susan?” he asked again. “Oh no, father. Just a little gas.”
She replied again. A couple of months later the priest noticed sister Susan pushing a baby carriage around the convent.
He leaned over and looked in the carriage and said, “Cute little fart.”