Daily Joke: Jokes Library

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.

The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron.

Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice.”I’d like to try the bet.”

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away.

Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd’s laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man.”What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, what?”

The man replied, “I work for the IRS.”

A husband notices that his wife’s hearing is deteriorating, and decides to visit her doctor for advice.

“I can’t speak to my wife directly as she might find it offensive, given our old age” he says to the doc.​

“There’s a simple trick you can try to determine her hearing” explains the doctor. “Simply ask her a question at a distance and if she doesn’t hear you, move slightly closer and ask again until she does”.

​That night, the husband arrives home and sees his wife in the kitchen cooking.

He thinks to himself, “what a perfect opportunity to test her hearing”.​

He stands in the doorway of the kitchen and promptly asks;​“What’s for dinner honey?”​

No answer. He moves closer.​“What’s for dinner honey?”​ Still no answer.

He moves even closer.​“What’s for dinner honey?”​ Still his wife doesn’t answer.

He now sees how serious her hearing problem is. At this point, he is stood right next to his wife.​“What’s for dinner honey?”​

“FOR THE FOURTH FUCKING TIME WE’RE HAVING CHICKEN”

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution “this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before”.

So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he’s about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly “mmm…that was some good lion meat!”.

The lion abruptly stops and says ” woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can”.

Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything. Evidently, the monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return.

So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily “get on my back, we’ll get him together”.

So they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them and realized what happened and starts to panic even more.

He then gets another idea and shouts “where the hell is that monkey! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago…”

George raises his beer mug in the air and says, “Here’s to spending the rest of my life having sex with my wife!”

The bar is filled with whistles and claps, and the bartender even gives him a ribbon that says, “Best Toast of the Month”.

When George gets home, he shows his wife, Linda, the ribbon. “And what exactly was your award-winning toast?” she asks.

George thinks for a while and says, “Here’s to spending the rest of my life going to church with my wife.”

The next day when George is at work, Linda is walking down the street when she runs into Ted, one of George’s drinking buddies.

“Your husband sure gave an awesome toast last night!” says Ted.

“I know!” replies Linda, “and he told me about it! It kind of surprised me because almost every time he goes down there, he falls asleep.A few weeks ago I had to pull him by the ear to get him to come.”

A teenager brings her new boyfriend home to meet her parents.

They’re appalled by his haircut, tattoos and piercings.

The boy leaves and the girl’s mom remarks, “Dear, he doesn’t seem to be a very nice boy.”

“Oh, come on Mom! If he wasn’t nice, would he be doing 300 hours of community service?”