Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A young couple got married and went away on their honeymoon.
After two weeks they came back and finally put away all of the presents they received from friends and family.
Since this was a new home, the process took some time.
A week later, they received in the mail two tickets for a popular show where tickets were impossible to get.
They were very excited and warmed by the gesture of the person who sent this.
Inside the envelope, however, was only a small piece of paper with a single line, “Guess who sent them.”
The pair had much fun trying to identify the donor, but failed in the effort.
They went to the theatre, and had a wonderful time.
On their return home late at night, still trying to guess the identity of the unknown host, they found the house stripped of every article of value.
And on the bare table in the dining room was a piece of paper on which was written in the same hand as the enclosure with the tickets: “Now you know!”

While doing a vasectomy, the doctor slipped and cut off one  of the man’s balls.
To avoid a huge malpractice suit, he decided to replace the ball with on onion.
Several weeks later the patient returned for a checkup.
“How’s your sex life?” the doctor asked.
“Pretty good,” the man said, to the doctor’s relief.
But then he added, “I’ve had some strange side effects though.”
“What’s that?” the doctor asks anxiously
“Well, every time I piss, my eyes water.
When my wife gives me a blow job, she gets heartburn, and
every time I pass a hamburger stand I get a hard-on!”

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, “What are the grounds for your divorce?”
She replied, “About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.”
“No,” he said, “I mean what is the foundation of this case?”
“It is made of concrete, brick and mortar,” she responded.
“I mean,” he continued, “What are your relations like?”
“I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband’s parents.”
He said, “Do you have a real grudge?”
“No,” she replied, “We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one.”
“Please,” he tried again, “is there any infidelity in your marriage?”
“Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don’t necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is ‘yes’.”
“Ma’am, does your husband ever beat you up?”
“Yes,” she responded, “about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do.”
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, “Lady, why do you want a divorce?”
“Oh, I don’t want a divorce,” she replied. “I’ve never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can’t communicate with me.”

A man and a woman were having drinks, getting to know one another and started bantering back and forth about male female issues.

They talked about who was better in certain sports, who were the better entertainers, etc.

The flirting continued for more than an hour when the topic of sex came up.

So they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more.

The man said, “Men obviously enjoy sex more than women.

Why do you think we’re so obsessed with getting laid?”

He then went on for several hours arguing his point, even going so far as to ask other men in the bar for their opinions.

The woman listened quietly until the man was finished making his point.

Confident in the strength of his argument, the man awaited her response.
“That doesn’t prove anything,” the woman countered.

“Think about this When your ear itches and you put your little finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better
your ear or your finger?

If you think life is bad…
How would you like to be an egg?
You only get laid once.
You only get eaten once.
It takes 4 minutes to get hard.
Only 2 minutes to get soft.
You share your box with 11 other guys.
But worst of all…
The only chick that ever sat on your face was your mother.
So cheer up…
Your life ain’t that bad!
Pass it around to someone who you feel can use a good lay today!