02/10/2022 from Daily Jokes
#15679
A man wanted to literally die with his $$$, so he trusted a third of his money to a Priest, a third to a Doctor, and a third to his Lawyer to bury him with it when he died.
After his death, at the man’s funeral the priest whispered to his dead body and placed a bag in his coffin.
The doctor then proceeded to whisper to the body and placed a bag in there as well.
Then the lawyer went and dropped off a bag and moved on.
As they were carpooling back from the funeral the lawyer asked what the priest whispered.
The priest — with tears in his eyes — said that he had to confess he spent some of the money on an orphanage so that some hungry kids would not starve and that he feels bad for what he had done, but that he had no choice.
The doctor then admits that he too had to let him know that one of his patients needed a surgery that he alone could not do, that he spent some of the money to save the person’s life.
The lawyer looks at them with scorn and says, “how could you? You have betrayed a man’s last and dying request!”
The doctor and priest look at the lawyer and asks, “so your bag had all the money he entrusted you with?”
To which he replies, “damn right, I wrote the check for the full amount, not a penny less!”
02/09/2022 from Daily Jokes
#15675
A widowed Jewish woman, mid 50′s, went to a Tel Aviv beach for the first time since her husband passed.
She was still attractive and looked good in her bathing suit.
On the same beach was an attractive man, mid 50’s, getting some sun and reading a book.
She put her blanket down next to his and began a conversation.“Whatcha reading”
“A book”. Not much of an answer, she thought to herself.
She pursued, “My husband passed several months ago and this is the first time I’ve been to this beach since then.”
“I’m a widower too and my wife passed several months ago also.”
He continued reading his book, seemingly not in the mood for further conversation.
Frustrated, she asked, “Do you like pussyc@ts?”
With that, the man put down his book, joined the lady on her blanket, took of his trunks, ripped off her bathing suit and the two went at it, right there.
Out of breath, the lady asked, “How did you know that’s what I wanted?”
The man responded, “How did you know my name is Katz?”
02/08/2022 from Daily Jokes
#15671
A sheriff of a small town is patrolling the town one night when he comes across a cowboy walking up Main St.
The cowboy is wearing nothing except his hat, boots, and gunbelt.
The sheriff is a bit surprised at first but gets over his initial shock and arrests the cowboy for indecent exposure.
The sheriff locks the cowboy in the cell with a pair of pants, then turns back and asks him, “How is it I came across you walking around naked like that?”
The cowboy says, “Well, sheriff, it went like this. I was out at a bar earlier tonight and I saw this gorgeous girl sitting at the bar. We got to talking, danced a while, had a few beers, and next thing you know we’re making out in her trailer. She took off her shirt and told me to take off my shirt, so I did. Then she took off her shorts and told me to take off my jeans, so I did. Then she took off her bra and her panties and told me to take off my boxers, so I did. Then she went and lay down on the bed, spread her legs, looked at me kinda sexy and said ‘Now go to town, cowboy!’And, well, here I am!”
02/07/2022 from Daily Jokes
#15668
On the way home they both need the toilet, so decide to stop at a graveyard, but they have nothing to wipe with.
The first takes off her panties and uses them, while the other takes a wreath and uses that.
The next day, one of their husbands calls the other and says:”No more girls nights out. My wife came home with no panties.”
The other husband says:”That’s nothing. Mine came home with a card in her crack that said ‘from all of us at the fire station, we will never forget you. “
02/06/2022 from Daily Jokes
#15665
When he got there, he asked a cashier, “What aisle are the…”
“…raisins in?” she asked.
“How… how did you know?”
“I am a psychic. I can read minds.”
“Really? Well then, what am I…”
“Thinking now? You’re thinking about what I might look like naked.”
“Yes, I am.”
“And now you’re emboldened by the fact that I’m not acting disgusted, so now you think you have a chance to sleep with me.”
“Also true.”
“And now you have realized the futility of trying to front or flirt, since I know exactly what you’re thinking, no matter how you act or what you say.”
“I am helpless… truly, before you.”
“Then why do you smirk so confidently?”
“Because you don’t actually know where the fucking raisins are, do you…”