Daily Joke: Jokes Library

Little Johnny went to the first day of kindergarten and sat down. His teacher went around the room and was asking every boy and girl his or her name.

When she got to Johnny he said, “My name is Little Johnny, but they call me ‘Bonnie’ and that pisses me off.”

Sensing some anger she said to Little Johnny, “This is kindergarten Johnny, we don’t talk like that.”

Then she went around and asked everyone his or her address.

When she got back to Little Johnny he said, “I live on Third Street but they call it ‘Turd Street’ and that really pisses me off.”

She said, “Little Johnny I want you to meet me after class at my desk.”

“Yes ma’am.” Little Johnny said. So he meets her at the desk.

The teacher says, “You seem like a smart little boy can you tell me what this means?”

Then she pulls up her dress.

He says, “Of course I can. That means you wanna diddle and I’m too little and that really pisses me off.”

A city slicker moves to the country and decides he’s going
to take up farming.
He heads to the local co-op and tells the man,
“Give me 100 baby chickens.” The co-op man complies.
A week later the man returns and says,
“Give me 200 baby chickens.”
The co-op man complies.
Again, a week later the man returns.
This time he says, “Give me 500 baby chickens.”
“Wow!” the co-op man replies.
“You must really be doing well!”
“Naw,” said the man with a sigh.
“I’m either planting them too deep or too far apart!”

A wife finds a note from her husband on the fridge one morning.

My dear wife. You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you being 57 years old can no longer satisfy am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife .

Therefore after reading this letter I hope that you will not wrongfully interpret the fact that l will be spending the evening with my 19 year old secretary at the comfort inn hotel. Please don’t be upset-l shall be home before midnight. When the man came home late that night he found the following note on the dining table.

My dear husband I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about me being 57 years old I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 57 years old As you know am a math teacher at our local college I would like to inform you that while you read this l will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael one of my students who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young virile and like your secretary is 19 years old.  As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math you will understand that we are in the same situation although with one small difference -19 goes into 57 more times than 57 goes into 19.  Therefore will not be home until sometime tomorrow.

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in the  tiny town of Johnstown got up early and went to  the local church. Before the services started, the townspeople  were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives,  their families, etc.

Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the Church.  Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away
from Evil Incarnate. Soon everyone was evacuated from the Church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving . . . seemingly oblivious to the fact that God’s Ultimate Enemy  was in his presence.

Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man  and said, “Don’t you know who I am?” The man replied, “Yup, sure do.” Satan asked, “Well, aren’t you afraid of me?” “Nope, sure ain’t,” said the man. Satan was more than a little perturbed at this and queried,  “Why not?”  The man calmly replied,  “Been married to your sister for over 48 years!”

I used to make jokes at work during meetings, and I could really get people laughing.

Then COVID hit, and all our meetings were online. I’d still make jokes, but no one would laugh…

Not one. At first, I thought it was just because everyone was muted.

It turns out, they didn’t find me remotely funny.