Daily Joke: Jokes Library

Randy was in the hospital for a complete check-up.
At 11:00AM, they brought him soup for lunch. He refused it.
At 2:00PM, they again tried to serve him some soup, which he refused.
Again, at 5:00PM and 7:00PM, they tried, and both times Randy turned down the soup, so they gave up.
In preparation for the next day’s test, they entered his room at 3:00AM, 4:30AM, and 6:00AM and gave him an enema each time.
When Randy got home from the hospital after the tests, he told his wife, “Whatever you do, if you go to that hospital and they try to serve you soup, take it!
If you refuse it, they sneak in while you’re asleep and shove it up your ass!

A young pastor was sitting in a restaurant eating lunch.
He opened a letter he’d just received that morning from his Mom.
As he opened it a twenty-dollar bill fell out.
He thought to himself, Thanks, Mom, I sure needed that right now.
As he finished his meal, he noticed a beggar outside on the sidewalk leaning against the light post.
Thinking that the poor man could probably use the twenty dollars more than he, he crossed out the names on the envelope and wrote across the top in large letters, PERSEVERE!
So as not to make a scene, he put the envelope under his arm and dropped it as he walked past the man.
The man picked it up and read the message and smiled.
The next day, as the pastor enjoyed his meal, the same man tapped him on the shoulder and handed him a big wad of bills.
Surprised, the young pastor asked him what that was for.
The man replied, “This is your half of the winnings. Persevere came in first in the fourth race at the track yesterday and paid thirty to one.”

Two blonde girls walk into a department store.
They walk up to the perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle. Sharon sprays it on her wrist and smells it,
“That’s quite nice, don’t you think, Tracy”
“Yeah. What’s it called Sharon?”
“Viens a moi.”
“Viens a moi? What the does that mean?”
At this stage the store clerk offers some help.
“Viens a moi, ladies, is French for ‘come to me.'”
Sharon takes anther sniff and offers her arm to Tracy again saying, “That doesn’t smell like come to me.
Does that smell like come to you?”

A little boy said, “Grandpa, can I sit on your lap?
“Why sure you can,” his grandfather replied.
As he sat on his grandfather’s lap he said, “Grandpa, can you make a sound like a frog?”
“A sound like a frog? Well, sure Grandpa can make a sound like a frog.”
The boy said, “Grandpa, will you please, please make a sound like a frog?”
Perplexed, his grandfather said, “Sweetheart, why do you want me to make a sound like a frog?”
And the little boy said, “Because Grandma said that when you croak, we’re going to Florida!”

One evening a teenage daughter and her mother were out shopping when they stopped to make a purchase.
The young girl greeted the cashier with only a “Hi,” then proceeded to dig nervously in her wallet.
She was having obvious trouble counting out the correct bills and change.
But rather than help, the cashier simply stood and watched while she fumbled and mumbled her way to the correct amount.
Finally, the transaction was completed.
As they were walking to the car, the teenager turned to her mother and said, “That was my math tutor.”