Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A retired officer goes to a shop and asks the young shopkeeper, “Give me 742 grains of green gram.”

The boy, without speaking a word, quickly weighs 200 grams of green gram and gives it to the customer.

Customer asks him, “Are there really 742 grains in this packing?”

Youngster replies, “Of course, you can go home and count. My dad has counted and established that each kilo of green gram comprises of 3710 grains. Therefore, for 200 grams, it should contain 742 grains.”

Customer gets even more curious and asks the youngster, “What does your dad do?”

Youngster replies: “He is also retired, like you.

Sam Cohen, father of 3 and faithful husband for over 40 years, unexpectedly drops dead one day. His lawyer informs his widow that Stu Schwartz, Sam’s best friend since childhood, is to be executor of the will. The day comes to divide Sam’s earthly possessions, over a million dollars’ worth. In front of Sam’s family, Stu reads the will:

“Stu, if you’re reading this, then I must be dead. You’ve were such a good friend for so long, how can I ignore you in this will? On the other hand, there are my beloved Sophie and my children to be looked after. Stu, I know you can make sure my family is taken care of properly. So Stu, give what you want to her and take the rest for yourself.” Stu then looks at the survivors and tells them that, in accordance with Sam’s instructions, Stu will give fifty thousand dollars to Sam’s widow. The rest he is retaining for himself.

The family is beside itself. “This is impossible! Forty years of marriage and then *this*?! It can’t be!” So the family sues. Their day in court arrives, and after testimony from both sides, the judge gives his verdict: “To Stuart Schwartz, I award fifty thousand dollars of the contested money. The remainder shall go to Sophie Cohen, widow of the deceased.”

Needless to say, the family is elated, but Stu is dumbfound. “Your honor, how can you do this? The will made Sam’s wishes quite clear: ‘Give what you want to her and take the rest for yourself!’ I wanted the lion’s share! What gives?”

The judge answered back, “Mr. Schwartz, Sam Cohen knew you his whole life. He wanted to give you something in gratitude. He also wanted to see his family taken care of. So he drew up his will accordingly. But you misread his instructions. You see, Sam knew just what kind of a person you are, so with his family’s interest in mind, he didn’t say, “Give what you want to her and keep the rest for yourself.’ No. What Sam said was, “Give what YOU want to HER; and keep the rest for yourself.”

A farmer purchases an old, run-down, abandoned farm with plans to turn it into a thriving enterprise. The fields are grown over with weeds, the farmhouse is falling apart, and the fences are collapsing all around.

During his first day of work, the town preacher stops by to bless the man’s work, saying, “May you and God work together to make this the farm of your dreams!”

A few months later, the preacher stops by again to call on the farmer. Lo and behold, it’s like a completely different place – the farm house is completely rebuilt and in excellent condition, there is plenty of cattle and other livestock happily munching on feed in well-fenced pens, and the fields are filled with crops planted in neat rows.

“Amazing!” the preacher says. “Look what God and you have accomplished together!”

“Yes, reverend,” says the farmer, “but remember what the farm was like when God was working it alone!”

A police officer was investigating an accident on a two-lane, narrow road in which the drivers had hit virtually head-on.

One driver, an extremely elderly woman, kept repeating, “He wouldn’t let me have my half of the road!”

After gathering as much information as possible, he angrily approached the other driver, who was examining his own damage.

The police officer asked, “That old lady says that you wouldn’t let her have her half of the road. Why not?”

In exasperation, the man turns from his smashed car and says, “Officer, I would have been HAPPY to give her half of the road — if she had just let me know WHICH half she wanted!!!!”

The Kosher bakeries motzah machine speed controlled drive system was down and the company was losing $5,000 an hour in profits. They placed an emergency call to their maintenance department, but since it was 3:00 am, Sunday morning, the only repair man available was old Morris.

Old Morris had been with maintenance for over 35 years. In fact he was only two years from retirement. He had seen it all and wasn’t impressed by much.

As old Morris pulled up to the guard shack at the plant entrance, he was waved through and greeted by the plant manager himself.

“Thank goodness you’re here,” he said. “How long will it take you to fix it?”

Now Morris had nothing more than the sketchiest description of the problem but he replied without hesitation, “Oh, about fifteen minutes…. so don’t worry .”

“Great!” replied the plant manager, “My men will show you where the drive controls are and get you anything you need.”

After three hours of testing, reading prints, asking questions, the drive system was still not working. The plant manager became increasingly enraged and accosted old Morris, “I thought you said you could fix this thing in FIFTEEN MINUTES!”

“I can and I will,” replied Morris. “As soon as I figure out what the fuck is wrong with it!”