Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A lady decided to give herself a big treat for her 70th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice luxurious hotel.

When she checked out the next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $250.00.

She demanded to know why the charge was so high.

“I agree it’s a nice hotel, but the rooms aren’t worth $250..00 for just an overnight stay – I didn’t even have breakfast!”

The clerk told her that $250.00 is the ‘standard rate,’ and breakfast had been included had she wanted it.

She insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced:

“This hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre which are available for use.”

“But I didn’t use them.”

” Well, they are here, and you could have.”

He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which they were so famous.

“We have the best entertainers from all over the world performing here.”

“But I didn’t go to any of those shows..” She Pleaded.

“Well, we have them, and you could have.” was the reply.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied,

“But I didn’t use it!” and the Manager countered with his standard response.

After several minutes of discussion, and with the Manager still unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a check, and gave it to him.

The Manager was surprised when he looked at the check.

“But Madam, this check is for only $50.00”

“That’s correct” she replied

“I charged you $200.00 for sleeping with me.”

“But I didn’t sleep with you madam!” said the manager

“Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have.”

I once dated a girl.

She told me she loved all animals.

When I told her I worked with animals, she asked me if I was a veterinarian.

I told her, “No, I am a butcher”

A Montana cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud toward him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, “If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?” The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, “Sure, Why not?”

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Iphone cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Ipad that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, “You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.” “That’s right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,” says the cowboy. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then the cowboy says to the young man, “Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?”

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, “Okay, why not?” “You’re a Congressman in the U.S. government,” says the cowboy. “Wow, that’s correct,” says the yuppie. “But how did you guess that?” “No guessing required,” answered the cowboy. “You showed up here even though nobody called you, you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are, and you don’t know a thing about cows. This is a herd of sheep. Now give me back my dog.”

Share

A sixteen year-old boy came home with a brand new Ford F150.

His parents look at the truck and ask, “Where did you get that truck?!”

“I bought it today,” he says.

“With what money?” says his mother.

They knew what a new F150 cost.

“Well,” he says, “this one cost me just fifteen dollars.”

The father looks at him like he’s crazy.

“Who would sell a truck like that for fifteen dollars?” he says.

“It was the lady up the street,” says the boy. “I don’t know her name – they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy her F150 for fifteen dollars.”

“Oh my Goodness!” says the mother. “Maybe she’s mentally ill or has Alzheimer’s something. John, you better go see what’s going on.”

So the boy’s father walks up the street to the house where the lady lives and finds her out in the yard calmly planting flowers.

He introduces himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a new Ford F150 truck for fifteen dollars and asks to know why she did it.

“Well,” she says, “two days ago my husband left on a business trip. Yesterday I got a phone call from his boss and found out that he really ran off to Hawaii with his secretary and doesn’t intend to come back.”

“Oh, my goodness, I’m so sorry,” the father says. “But what does that have to do with my son and your truck?”

“Well, this morning he called and told me he was stranded because he got robbed of his wallet with all his credit cards and cash. He told me to sell his new F150 and send him the money. So I did.”