01/10/2022 from Daily Jokes
#15584
A guy was in an elevator one day & noticed an attractive woman running to make it before the door closed.
He held the door for her to get in and then politely asked her “what floor?” “
3rd floor” she replied, “ I come here once a month to donate blood & they pay me $50”
“That’s a coincidence” said the guy because I come here once a month myself, donate semen & they pay me $200”.
Just then the elevator door opened & the woman stepped out.
The next month the guy was in the same elevator & noticed the same woman running to make it in.
He held the door and as she stepped in he said “I remember you, 3rd floor right?”
With her mouth completely full she looked at him & said “mph, mph, fif floor.”
01/09/2022 from Daily Jokes
#15582
A guy who has a bad stutter goes to the doctor, he says “ doccttrr I have ttttoo gettt rid ooooff my stttuter ccccan you hhhhelp me?
”The doctor says okay let’s do a complete physical on you and see what we find.
The guy takes off his clothes and he’s got a huge mickey, the doctor says that’s the problem right there!
That p3n!s is so big it’s pulling on your vocal chords and causing the stutter, we have several smaller transplants we can choose from and remove the big one.
So the guy agrees and has the surgery, a month later he goes back to see the doctor and says “ hey doc I can speak fantastically with no stutter, but my wife isn’t satisfied so I need my old roger back.
The doctor says “ ffffVck yyyou”
01/08/2022 from Daily Jokes
#15577
A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the Loan officer.
She says she’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and Needs to borrow $5,000.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes Benz SL 500.
The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out.
The bank agrees to accept the car collateral for the loan.
The bank’s president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blond for using a $110,000 Benz as collateral against a $5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Benz into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.
The loan officer says, “Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled.
While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire.
What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?
“The blonde replies, “Where else in New York City can I park my Car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?”
01/07/2022 from Daily Jokes
#15574
A koala is sitting in a tree smoking a blunt.
A lizard comes walking by, smells the weed, looks up and says “hey man, can I hit that?”
Koala says “hell yeah man come on up and get you some”
Lizard runs up the tree and they start smoking together.
The weed is incredible and before long the effects are taking hold.
The lizard, having cottonmouth says to the koala “man I really need somethin to drink”
Koala says “head on down the road a bit and you’ll get to a river, get you a drink and come back”
Lizard scurries down the tree, heads down the road, gets to the river and starts drinking his fill.
He’s so stoned, though, that he loses balance and falls into the water.
A passing crocodile sees the lizard, scoops him up and puts him back on the shore.
The croc says “dude you look stoned as shit, you good?”
Lizard says “yeah man down the road the koala has some of the best weed I’ve ever come across.
Go up there and see if he’ll let you hit the blunt”
Croc starts heading up the road and soon he’s at the base of the tree.
Koala looks down, sees the croc and says “DAMN DUDE HOW MUCH WATER DID YOU DRINK?!?!?”
01/06/2022 from Daily Jokes
#15567
A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational.
On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.
‘About 32,’ is the reply.’
‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’
Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question.
The clerk responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’
Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, ‘Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, ‘What the hell, go ahead.’
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each bre@st and he gently pinches each n!ppl3. He pushes her bre@sts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay…..How old am I?’
He completes one last squeeze of her bre@sts, removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’
‘I was behind you at McDonalds’.