Daily Joke: Jokes Library

Upon arriving home in eager anticipation of a leisurely evening, the husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, “It’s the pharmacist! He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone.”

Immediately the husband drove downtown to accost the pharmacist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the pharmacist told him, “Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, but I’ll be darned if I didn’t lock the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys.”

“Driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Then, about three blocks from the store I had a flat tire.”

“When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing its head off.”

“Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels – the phone is still ringing – when I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it, and half of them hit the floor and broke.”

“The phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife — she wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. “Well, Mister, I told her!”

So naturally, they decide it would be fun to swap partners.

The alien woman goes off with the human man and the alien man goes off with the human woman.

The alien man and human woman get undressed and he asks her, “Is it long enough?”

She replies, “It could be a bit longer I suppose.”

So the alien man slaps himself on the forehead a few times and it grows longer!

Then he asks her, “Is it wide enough?” and again she says. “I guess it could be just a bit wider.”

So he starts tugging at his own ears and it gets a bit wider.​

An hour or so later the human couple get together to discuss.

The man asks the woman, “So how was your experience with the alien man?

Be honest!” She says “Honestly? No offense to you, but that was the single greatest sexual experience of my life.

What about you and the alien woman?”

The man replies, “Don’t get me wrong, it was good and all but she kept slapping me in the head and pulling at my ears really hard.”

A husband was sitting on the sofa one afternoon when his wife came up behind him and whacked him on the head.

The husband asked ‘What the hell was that for?’

The wife replied ‘That’s for the slip of paper in your pocket with the name Laura Lou on it!’

‘Don’t worry’, said the husband, that’s just the name of a racehorse I put a bet on a few days ago’. Satisfied, the wife apologised to her husband.

Several days later the husband is lounging on the sofa when his wife comes up behind him and snacks him over the head.

‘WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT FOR?’, he roared, leaping up and holding his head in pain.

The wife tossed the phone at him and said ‘Your horse called’.

A cop sees an old woman carrying two large sacks.

One of the sacks has a hole and is leaking 20 dollar bills.

The cop asks the woman, “Where did an old lady like you get all of that money?”

She replies, “Well, there’s a golf course behind my house and when golfers need to go to the bathroom, they stick their manhood through a hole in my fence and pee into my yard. It became a problem because it kills the flowers.”

The cop asks, “So what did you do about it?”

The old lady says, “I get my hedge clippers and I wait behind the fence. When a golfer sticks his mickey through the fence, I grab ahold of it and shout GIVE ME $20 OR IT COMES CLEAN OFF!”

“That seems fair enough,” the cop says, “so what’s in the other sack?”

The old lady replies with, “Not everyone pays…”

An atheist dies and goes to hell…

…and notices he’s in a lush park with butterflies, his physical body has transformed back into its prime, and he’s then greeted by Satan who says “sup homie? Welcome to hell. Let me show you around, you’re gonna love it here mate.”

Satan points to a nice house and says “what do you think of this house?”

The atheist replies “It’s beautiful, I could never afford anything like that in my life.”

Satan gave him a key ring and said “well it’s yours now. Free utilites, Netflix, Hulu, and there’s a PS5, Nintendo Switch, all your favorite John Hughes films, you name it! It’s all yours now, I like my residents to be cozy.”

The atheist thanked Satan. Satan replied “your welcome. But before you get settled, I got more to show you. Follow me!”

They walk further along the park. The sun is shining bright and there’s a nice fragrance in the air.

Then Satan points to a parking garage and says “click the button on your key ring.”

The atheist clicks it and notices a particular car flashing its lights.

He says, “is that a silver Tesla?”

Satan replied “I heard its your dream car, right? I just think that everyone deserves a reliable way of transportation. I don’t want anyone panting to get around in hell. That Tesla is all yours.”

The atheist thanked him. He and Satan continue walking through the park and things still seem amicable.

There are critters playing and flowers blooming.

Then a beautiful woman rushed up to the two and says “what’s up Satan…heyyyy, aren’t you a handsome looking fellow”.

Satan said, “everyone deserves the partner of their dreams so…”

The woman gives the atheist her number and says “here’s my number, call me when the tour’s over and we’ll have fun.”

The atheist is excited but continues walking with Satan. Then atheist suddenly sees a fence.

He gets a whiff of sulfur coming from the other side of the fence and hears some screaming.

He looks through a hole in the fence and notices people getting tortured and impaled and pools of magma.

The atheist is horrified and said “what is going on in there?”

Satan said “oh, those are the Christians. I won’t pretend to understand why, but they seem to prefer it that way”