01/30/2022 from Daily Jokes
#15643
God decides it’s finally time to send Jesus back to Earth.
Poof! All of a sudden, Jesus finds himself on the side of a road in the middle of rural America.
He sticks out his thumb for a ride and before long a man in a truck stops to give him a lift.
Not revealing his true identity, Jesus thanks the man for stopping.
Jesus: Wow thank you sir, so many people just ignored me standing there.
Man: don’t worry about it! That’s just what good people do.After a few minutes driving the man leans over,
Man: Hey, I have this sandwich here, ya want some?
Jesus: wow, thank you sir, that’s so kind of you! I’d love some. A few more minutes pass and the man leans over again.
Man: Hey I have a few beers in the cooler back there, want one? Amazed by the man’s kindness.
Jesus: wow sure! I’d love one. Thank you again. After a few more miles down the road the man looks around suspiciously and says…
Man: hey…I uh, have a little joint here. Want to take a few puffs with me? Jesus pauses for a second.
Jesus: ya know what, why not! So the man and Jesus drive down the road smoking the fattest joint listening to music and having a good time. Finally, Jesus speaks up.
Jesus: okay listen! I can’t keep quiet any longer! You have been so kind, so nice, I want to tell you…I’m Jesus! God sent me down here to help the people and you’ve just been so kind. What can I do to repay you? Anything!
The man looks at Jesus with a grin on his face and says, “Good sh!t, huh?”
01/29/2022 from Daily Jokes
#15640
A chicken goes into the library, walks up to the librarian, and says, “Book.”
The librarian says, “You want a book?”
“Book.”“Any book?”“Book.”
So the librarian gives the chicken a novel and off it goes.
An hour later the chicken comes back and says, “Bookbook.”
The librarian says, “Now you want two books?”
“Book-book.”
So she gives the chicken two more novels.
The chicken leaves but again comes back later.
“Book-book-book.”
“Three books?”
“Book-book-book.”
So the librarian gives the chicken three books, but she decides she’ll follow the chicken and find out what’s going on.
And the chicken goes down the alley, out of town and toward the woods, into the woods and down to the river, down to the swamp, and there is a bullfrog.
The chicken sets the books down by him.
The bullfrog looks at the books and says, “Reddit…Reddit…Reddit…”
01/28/2022 from Daily Jokes
#15637
A kid from Louisiana moves to California and is looking for a job.
The manager asks, “Do you have any sales experience?”
The kid says, “Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Louisiana.”
The boss liked the kid so he gave him the job.
“You start tomorrow. After we close we’ll see how you did.”
First day on the job was rough but he got through it.
After the store closed, the boss asked, “How many sales today?”
The kid says, “One.”
The boss says, “One? We average 20 to 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?”
Kid says, “$101,237.64.”
Boss says, “$101,237.64? What the hell did you sell?”
Kid says, “First I sold him a small fish hook. Then a medium fish hook. Then, a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod.I asked him where he was going fishing and he said “at the coast”, so I told him he was gonna need a boat.
We went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine. He said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer.”
The boss said, “A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?”
Kid says, “No sir, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, ‘Well, your weekend’s shot, you might as well go fishing”.
01/27/2022 from Daily Jokes
#15635
During 1st week of marriage they found they are unable to communicate in bedroom with the lights out as they can’t see each other signing and lipsing.
After several nights of fumbling and misunderstanding they finally came up with a solution.
The wife said, ” Why don’t we agree on simple signs for instance if you want to have s3x with me squeeze my left br3@st once.
If you don’t want to have s3x squeeze my right br3@st once.
The husband said ok, then asked her if she want to have s3x pull his mickey once and if she doesn’t want to have s3x,pull his mickey two hundred and fifty times.
01/26/2022 from Daily Jokes
#15633
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple were involved in a fatal car accident.
The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting they began to wonder; Could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in Heaven.
St. Peter said, ‘I don’t know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,’ and he left.
The couple sat and waited for an answer…. for a couple of months.
While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all?
What if it doesn’t work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?’
Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled.
Yes,’ he informed the couple, ‘You can get married in Heaven.’ ‘Great!’ said the couple.
‘But we were just wondering; what if things don’t work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?’
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.
‘What’s wrong?’ asked the frightened couple.
‘OH, COME ON!!!’ St. Peter shouted. ‘It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it’ll take to find a lawyer?