Daily Joke: Jokes Library

As he’s standing at the Pearly Gates, he notices a huge wall of clocks behind St Peter.

He asked, “What are all those clocks?”

St Peter replied, “Those are lie clocks, every time someone tells a lie, the hands on their clock move.”

“Oh! Whose clock is that?” He says pointing.

“That’s Mother Theresa’s clock, it’s hands have never moved.”

“Wow! And whose clock is that?”

“That’s Abraham Lincoln’s clock, it’s hands have only moved twice.”

The man asks, “Where is Boris Johnson’s clock?

“St Peter replies, “We’re using it as a ceiling fan”

Here’s a heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little girl and some construction workers.

This will make you believe that we CAN make a difference when we give a child the gift of your time…

A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot.

One day, a construction crew came in and began building a house on the empty lot.

The family’s 5-year-old daughter became interested in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually, the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or less adopted her as a project mascot.

They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they took coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week, the men presented her with a pay envelope which contained 2.00.

The little girl took this home to her mother, who said all the appropriate words of admiration, and suggested that they take the money she received to the bank to start a savings account.

When they talked to the bank teller, she was equally impressed and” asked the little girl how she had earned her very own pay check at such a young age.

The child proudly replied: “I worked last week with the crew building the house next door to us.”

“My goodness gracious,” said the teller, “and will you be working on the house again this week, too?”

The little girl replied, “I will if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the fuckin sheet rock…”

It was a few days before Valentine’s Day and a young woman was taking an afternoon nap.

After she woke up, she told her husband, “I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine’s day!  What do you think it means?”

Her husband smiled. “Oh, I have a feeling you’ll know later tonight.” he said with a wink.

His wife squealed with joy. That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife.

Delighted, she opened it… only to find a book titled “The meaning of dreams.”

A man & his 4yo son were walking together one day and stumbled across 2 dogs having sex.

“Why is that dog hurting the other one?” asked the boy.

“He’s not hurting her,” said the dad “they’re making a puppy.”

A couple of nights later the boy walks in on his dad & mom making love and asks “Daddy why are you hurting mommy?”

“I’m not hurting mommy ” said the dad, “We’re making you a baby brother.

“Excitedly the boy screamed “Flip her over, I’d rather have a puppy.”

Mr. Johnson boarded a plane to New York City.

He was about to sit down in the aisle seat he had booked when he saw a blonde woman sitting in his seat.

“Wh-what are you doing?!” sputtered Mr. Johnson.

“I specifically booked this seat!

Why aren’t you sitting in your seat?!”

The blonde woman replied, “I’m blonde, I’m smart, and I’m sitting in this aisle seat until this plane lands in New York City.”

Angrily, Mr. Johnson snatched the blonde’s ticket out of her hand. It was for the middle seat.

“Your ticket says you’re supposed to be sitting in this middle seat!” he shouted.

“I specifically booked this aisle seat because I’m six-foot-five and I hate the cramped spaces of airplane seats! Meanwhile, you don’t seem to be any taller than five-foot-one. You should be able to handle the middle seat just fine!”

He showed the blonde his ticket to prove that he had, indeed, booked the aisle seat.

Again, the blonde woman replied, “I’m blonde, I’m smart, and I’m sitting in this aisle seat until this plane lands in New York City.””

You’d better listen to that guy,” said the woman sitting in the window seat.

“I once dated a guy who was six-foot-one, four inches shorter than that guy, and he always sat in the aisle seat because he hated the cramped spaces.”

For the third time, the blonde woman replied, “I’m blonde, I’m smart, and I’m sitting in this aisle seat until this plane lands in New York City.”

Mr. Johnson was now furious. He told a nearby flight attendant about the blonde in his seat.

The flight attendant whispered something in the blonde’s ear, and the blonde sheepishly moved into the middle seat.

A relieved Mr. Johnson sat in the aisle seat.

As soon as the plane had landed, Mr. Johnson asked the flight attendant, “What did you tell that woman?”

“I told her that the aisle seat wasn’t going to New York City.”