Daily Joke: Jokes Library

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution.

His last minute plea for clemency to the Governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, “What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I’m not reheating it.”

And on and on and on. Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the tub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband’s client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

“They’re not hanging Wright tonight,” she said.

He whirled around and screamed, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WOMAN, DON’T YOU EVER STOP?!”

A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy.

The fairy says “I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else’s job for a day.”

The professor says “I’ll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?” so he is teleported into a classroom.

After a few minutes, all the kids’ screaming gets to his nerves, so he throws all his supplies and gives up.

The C.E.O says “I’ll be a waiter. All you do is carry food back and forth. This’ll be a breeze” so he is teleported to a restaurant.

After about an hour, all the annoying customers drive him insane, so he smashes his plates on the ground and gives up.

The janitor says “I’ll be an artist” so he is transported to an art facility.

He glues all the classroom supplies and shattered plates to a canvas, then sells it for a billion dollars.

The fairy asks the janitor how he was so clever.

The janitor says “I got a masters degree in art.”

A lady had lost her husband almost four years ago.

Her daughter was constantly calling her to get back into the dating world.

Finally, she said she’d go out, but didn’t know anyone.

Her daughter immediately replied, “Mom, I have someone for you to meet!

Well, it was an immediate hit.

They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Spain.

Their first night there, she undressed as he did.

There she stood nude, except for a pair of black panties, he in his birthday suit.

Looking her over, he asked, “Why the black pant!es?”

She replied “My br3@sts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still mourning.”

He knew he was not going to get lucky that night.

The following night was the same, she stood there wearing the black pant!es and he was in his birthday suit but now he was wearing a black condom.

She looked at him and asked, “What’s with the black condom?”

He replied, “I want to offer my deepest condolences.

Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top.

A blonde walked by and asked what they were doing.

“We’re supposed to find the height of this flagpole,” said Sven, “but we don’t have a ladder.”

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground.

Then she took a tape measure from her handbag, took a measurement and announced, “Twenty one feet, six inches,” and walked away.

One engineer shook his head and laughed, “Typical blonde! We ask for the height and she gives us the length!”