02/14/2022 from Daily Jokes
#15692
A man dies and goes to hell.
Because all the other torture chambers are full, the devil puts him to hard labor.
A few hours pass, and the devil returns to see how the torture is going.
But the man is smiling and hardly working a sweat.
“Why haven’t you given up yet? It’s been at least 6 hours.” The devil asks him.
“No, yeah, I was a farmer in Michigan while I was alive. This work isn’t as bad as baling hay all day.” He answers.
The devil is still a little confused, so he turns up the heat in the chamber to 100 degrees for good measure.
A few hours later, he returns hoping to see the man panting on the ground.
But he still stands, working away like before the heat.
“No one could work in this temperature. How do you do it?” The Devil asks.
The farmer responds, “I told you, I’m from Michigan. The summers up there are way worse than this.”
Then it dawns on the devil, Michigan is warm. He rushes to turn the temperature down as far as Hell can go.
The devil leaves to ask about Michigan’s weather, determined to wear this man down until other chambers open up.
After an hour, the devil returns to see the farmer dancing about, despite it being below freezing in his chamber.
“I asked around,” The devil says, “so I know that freezing is normal for you Michiganders. But what are you so happy about?”
The farmer takes one second to shout “If it’s a cold night in Hell, then the Lions must have won the Super Bowl!” before continuing his victory dance.
02/13/2022 from Daily Jokes
#15689
He had a fee of $50, no matter what ailment.
If he failed in finding a cure, he would give $500 to the patient.
One day, a man came to him and said, “Doctor, my sense of taste is deteriorating.”
The doctor gave him a jar and said, “Have a spoonful of this.”
The man tries some, spits it out, and says, “This is shaving foam! Why would you give this to a patient?!”
The doctor said, “Well, it seems your sense of taste is just fine. That’ll be $50.”
Two weeks later, the same man went to the doctor and said, “Doctor, I think I have Alzheimer’s.”
On hearing this, the doctor gave him a jar and said, “Have a spoonful of this.”
The man got annoyed and asked, “Wait, isn’t this shaving foam?”
The doctor said, “It seems you can remember things just fine. That’ll be $50.”
Two months later, the man once again went to the doctor and said, “Doctor, you must help me. I lost my eyesight.”
The doctor said, “Oh dear, I’m afraid I don’t have a cure for that. Here’s $500.”
The man was overjoyed on finally outsmarting the doctor. But when he saw the money, he blurted out, “Isn’t this $5?!”
The doctor remarked, “It seems you can see just fine. That’ll be $50.”
02/12/2022 from Daily Jokes
#15686
I was at the supermarket the other day, buying dog food.
As I was standing in line for the cash register, there was a lady behind me asking me if I had a dog (beacuse why else would I be buying dog food, right?!)
Anyway, my inner demon woke up, so I told the lady that I don’t have a dog, but that I was planning going on the “Happy Dog” diet.
Also, I explained to her that I was having some second thoughts about it, because the last time I had done it, I woke up in a hosiptal, but that I was considering it anyway, as I had lost over 40 pounds before i woke up in the ICU, with all kinds of tubes sticking out me.
I then explained to her how it works: you fill your pockets with dog food, and every time you feel hungry, you take out a few pieces and eat them.
They have high nutritional value, and they don’t taste too bad (the whole line is listening carefully by now).
The lady is looking at me wide-eyed and asks if I ended up in the hospital as a result of poisoning.
I say no, I sniffed out a poodle in heat, and as I was running across the street, i got hit by a car.
I thought the young guy in the line was going to have a coronary, he laughed so hard.
02/11/2022 from Daily Jokes
#15683
Three nuns were talking.
The first nun said “I was cleaning in the fathers room the other day, and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines.”
“What did you do?” the other nuns asked.
“Well, of course I threw them in the trash.”
The second nun said, “Well I can top that. I was in the fathers room putting away the laundry, and I found a bunch of condoms!”
“Oh my!” gasped the other nuns.
“What did you do?”
“I poked holes in all of them!”
The third nun fainted.
02/10/2022 from Daily Jokes
#15679
A man wanted to literally die with his $$$, so he trusted a third of his money to a Priest, a third to a Doctor, and a third to his Lawyer to bury him with it when he died.
After his death, at the man’s funeral the priest whispered to his dead body and placed a bag in his coffin.
The doctor then proceeded to whisper to the body and placed a bag in there as well.
Then the lawyer went and dropped off a bag and moved on.
As they were carpooling back from the funeral the lawyer asked what the priest whispered.
The priest — with tears in his eyes — said that he had to confess he spent some of the money on an orphanage so that some hungry kids would not starve and that he feels bad for what he had done, but that he had no choice.
The doctor then admits that he too had to let him know that one of his patients needed a surgery that he alone could not do, that he spent some of the money to save the person’s life.
The lawyer looks at them with scorn and says, “how could you? You have betrayed a man’s last and dying request!”
The doctor and priest look at the lawyer and asks, “so your bag had all the money he entrusted you with?”
To which he replies, “damn right, I wrote the check for the full amount, not a penny less!”