Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.

Both he and his wife decide that they won’t tell the children what kind of meat it is,

but will give them a clue and let them guess.

The dad said, “Well, it’s what Mommy calls me sometimes.”

The little girl screamed to her brother, “Don’t eat it. Its an a$$h0le!”

A young couple decided to take their 5 year old son to see the circus. After several amazing acts, the ringmaster led six bull elephants into the center ring, linked trunk to tail in the usual manner.

“What’s that big thing hanging off the elephant, Mommy?” Little Johnny asked.

“That’s his trunk, honey,” Mom replied.

“No, that other thing,” Johnny insisted.

“Oh, you must be looking at his tail,” Mom offered.

“No, Mommy, that big thing underneath him, by his belly,” Johnny said. Realizing her son was asking about the elephant’s p3nis, Mom got embarassed.

“Oh, that’s nothing, sweetie. Daddy went to get some popcorn. When he comes back, he can tell you all about the elephants.”

Soon, Dad came back with popcorn, and Mom went to use the restroom. Johnny took the opportunity to question his father. “What’s that big thing hanging off the elephant, Daddy?”

“That’s his trunk, son,” Dad said.

“No, Daddy, not his trunk, and not his tail. I mean that big thing underneath, by his belly,” Johnny repeated.

“Oh, that,” Dad said. “That’s his p3nis, Johnny.”

“Huh,” mused the five year old. “Mommy said that was nothing.”

“Son,” sighed Dad, “I’ve spoiled that woman.”

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, “I’m sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away.”

The distressed woman wailed, “Are you sure?”

“Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead,” replied the vet..”

How can you be so sure?” she protested. “I mean you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.”

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever.

As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat.

The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck.”

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..

The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. “$150!” she cried, “$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!”

The vet shrugged, “I’m sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it’s now $150.”

I took my new girlfriend out for a walk on a beautiful evening and we saw two dogs mating, she said ‘how does the male know when the female is ready for sex’?

I replied he can smell she is ready that’s how nature works!

We then walked past a sheep field and the ram was mating the yew, again my girlfreind asked how the ram knew when the yew was ready for sex.

I replied ‘its nature he can smell she is ready’!

We then went past a cow field and the bull was mating the cow, my girlfriend said this is odd they are all at it, surely the bull can’t smell when she is ready, I said look its nature all animals can smell when the female is ready for sex.

Anyway, after the walk I dropped her home and kissed her goodbye, she said ‘take care and get yourself checked for Covid 19.’ Surprised, I asked her why she feels that way. She said, “I think you seem to have lost your sense of smell ‘!

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.

The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron.

Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice.”I’d like to try the bet.”

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away.

Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd’s laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man.”What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, what?”

The man replied, “I work for the IRS.”