02/24/2022 from Daily Jokes
#15729
A husband notices that his wife’s hearing is deteriorating, and decides to visit her doctor for advice.
“I can’t speak to my wife directly as she might find it offensive, given our old age” he says to the doc.
“There’s a simple trick you can try to determine her hearing” explains the doctor. “Simply ask her a question at a distance and if she doesn’t hear you, move slightly closer and ask again until she does”.
That night, the husband arrives home and sees his wife in the kitchen cooking.
He thinks to himself, “what a perfect opportunity to test her hearing”.
He stands in the doorway of the kitchen and promptly asks;“What’s for dinner honey?”
No answer. He moves closer.“What’s for dinner honey?” Still no answer.
He moves even closer.“What’s for dinner honey?” Still his wife doesn’t answer.
He now sees how serious her hearing problem is. At this point, he is stood right next to his wife.“What’s for dinner honey?”
“FOR THE FOURTH FUCKING TIME WE’RE HAVING CHICKEN”
02/23/2022 from Daily Jokes
#15726
A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution “this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before”.
So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he’s about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly “mmm…that was some good lion meat!”.
The lion abruptly stops and says ” woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can”.
Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything. Evidently, the monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return.
So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily “get on my back, we’ll get him together”.
So they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them and realized what happened and starts to panic even more.
He then gets another idea and shouts “where the hell is that monkey! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago…”
02/22/2022 from Daily Jokes
#15721
George raises his beer mug in the air and says, “Here’s to spending the rest of my life having sex with my wife!”
The bar is filled with whistles and claps, and the bartender even gives him a ribbon that says, “Best Toast of the Month”.
When George gets home, he shows his wife, Linda, the ribbon. “And what exactly was your award-winning toast?” she asks.
George thinks for a while and says, “Here’s to spending the rest of my life going to church with my wife.”
The next day when George is at work, Linda is walking down the street when she runs into Ted, one of George’s drinking buddies.
“Your husband sure gave an awesome toast last night!” says Ted.
“I know!” replies Linda, “and he told me about it! It kind of surprised me because almost every time he goes down there, he falls asleep.A few weeks ago I had to pull him by the ear to get him to come.”
02/21/2022 from Daily Jokes
#15719
A teenager brings her new boyfriend home to meet her parents.
They’re appalled by his haircut, tattoos and piercings.
The boy leaves and the girl’s mom remarks, “Dear, he doesn’t seem to be a very nice boy.”
“Oh, come on Mom! If he wasn’t nice, would he be doing 300 hours of community service?”
02/20/2022 from Daily Jokes
#15716
A French spy, a German spy and an Italian spy all get captured.
All three spies are thrown into a cell.
The captors later come into the cell, grab the French spy and drag him into another room.
They tie his hands to a chair and torture him for two hours before he tells them everything they wanted to know.
The captors throw the French spy back into his cell before taking the German spy into the torture room.
They tie his hands to a chair and torture him for four hours before he tells them all of the secrets they wanted to know.
The captors throw the German spy back into his cell before dragging the Italian spy into the torture room.
The captors tie the Italian spy’s hands to the chair and begin torturing him.
After four hours, the Italian spy has told captors nothing.
4 hours go by and the Italian spy isn’t talking. Then 8 hours, still nothing.
16 hours pass, and after 24 hours they give up and throw him back into the cell.
The German and French spy are impressed and ask him how he managed to endure all that torture and not talk.
The Italian spy says “I wanted to talk but I couldn’t move my hands!”