Daily Joke: Jokes Library

John and David were both patients in a Mental Hospital.

One day, while they were walking, they passed the hospital swimming pool and John suddenly dove into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom and stayed there.

David promptly jumped in and saved him, swimming to the bottom of the pool and pulling John out.

The medical director came to know of David’s heroic act.

He immediately ordered that David be discharged from the hospital as he now considered him to be OK.

The doctor said, “David, we have good news and bad news for you!  The good news is that we are going to discharge you because you have regained your sanity.  Since you were able to jump in and save another patient, you must be mentally stable.  The bad news is that the patient that you saved hung himself in the bathroom and died after all.”

David replied, “Doctor, John didn’t hang himself. I hung him there to dry.”

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy.

There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal.

He’d have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community…

If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they’d have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate.

However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a ‘silent’ debate.

On the chosen day, the Pope and the Rabbi sat opposite each other.

The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.

The Rabbi looked back and raised one finger.

Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.

The Rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.

The Rabbi pulled out an apple.

With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the Rabbi was too clever.

The Jews could stay in Italy! Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened.

The Pope said, “First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs.

Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us.

Finally, I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He bested me at every move and I could not continue!”

Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the Rabbi how he had won.

“I don’t have a clue!!!” the Rabbi said.

“First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger. Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews, so I told him that we were staying right here.”

“And then what?” asked a woman.

“Who knows!!” said the Rabbi.

“He took out his lunch, so I took out mine!”

An old lady went to visit her dentist.

When it was her turn, she sat in the chair, lowered her underpants, and raised her skinny legs all the way up.

The dentist was shocked and with his eyes wide open he screamed: “MADAM, PLEASE PULL YOUR PANTS BACK UP. I’m not a gynecologist!”

“I know,” said the old lady. “I just want you to take my husband’s teeth out.”

A depressed man walks into a bar. He approaches the bartender and says, “I’ll have six double brandy.”

The bartender replies, “You must’ve had a really tough day!”

“Yeah, I found out that my dad is gay”, the man replies.

The following day, the man returns to the bar looking much sadder than before, ordering another six double brandy.

“Why did you come back so soon?” asks the bartender.

The man, in response, dejectedly said to him, “I found out that my son is also gay.”

The third day comes, and the man returns looking glum as ever, again ordering six double brandy.

The bartender exclaimed, “Wow! Doesn’t anyone in your family like women?”

“Yeah, my wife…”

A panda walks into a restaurant and orders a plate of bamboo. When he’s finished with his meal, he hops up onto the table, pulls out two Glock 45s and unloads both magazines, blasting everything in sight.

When the guns are empty, he throws them down and starts walking towards the door. The bartender looks up from behind the bar and yells, “Hey! What the hell, man?”

The panda yells back at the bartender, “Hey, I’m a PANDA! Look it up!”

The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda:” A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian orgin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats bamboo shoots and leaves.”