Daily Joke: Jokes Library

Karen goes to the doctor not feeling well.

Karen: Doctor, I’ve not been feeling well lately..

Doctor: I’ve looked at your lab reports and I’m afraid I have some bad news.

Karen: Don’t give me this lab nonsense. I believe in homeopathic medicine, faith-based approaches and healing crystals. All my life, they have never failed me. Now will you do things my way or do I need to see the manager?!?

Doctor: Sure, we’ll do things your way. No need to raise your temper. Why don’t we try an astrology based approach?

Karen: At last a sensible approach.

Doctor: So, what’s your star sign?

Karen: it’s cancer.

Doctor: Well what a fucking coincidence.

Jesus was walking outside the gates of heaven and he sees an old man sitting on a bench..

He approaches the old man and asks.. “good sir, why have you not entered heaven yet?”

The old man replies “I’m waiting for my son, he should be along soon.”

Jesus thinks for a second and asks “will you tell me of your son? Maybe I know of him.”

The old man sighs and says “Sadly, we lost touch when he was young.. I know he was a carpenter like I was, I know he was quite famous and people followed him around. People told stories about him. They wrote a book about him and there was even talk of miracles…”

Jesus stood stunned.. carpenter? miracles?… He looked at the old man as tears swelled in his eyes…

“Dad?” The old man rose slowly, tears running down his cheeks as he held out his arms and said “Pinocchio? “

Two multimillionaire friends met up for lunch and started chatting.

“So how’s your home life?” asks the first multimillionaire.

“Couldn’t be better,” replies the second multimillionaire.

“I bought an elephant!”

“An elephant? Are you crazy?”

“It’s the best purchase I ever made! He grazes the lawn and makes it nice and even. The kids love to ride him and slide down his trunk, so now they are playing outside and being kids instead of just watching TV all day. My wife loves him too. He’s very strong and helps her move things when I’m not around. Honestly, I can’t think of a better pet.”

The first multimillionaire thinks for a moment. “That’s actually kind of amazing. How much did you pay for him?”

“Five hundred thousand dollars. What a bargain, huh?”

“Can I buy him for one million dollars?”

“What?! I can’t sell him. He’s part of my family now!”

“Okay. Two million?”

“You can’t put a price on something so useful!”

“Three million?”

“Fine. I’ll sell him for three million dollars, but only because you’re my friend.”

A few months later, the multimillionaires meet again.

The first multimillionaire is raging.

“The elephant may have been useful to you, but he’s a burden to me. He may have grazed your lawn, but he ate all my trees and left dung all over my lawn. The kids are terrified of that huge, noisy, aggressive thing. My wife and I haven’t had a good night’s sleep in months because the elephant keeps us awake. It’s the worst purchase I ever made!”

“I don’t know what to say,” says the second multimillionaire. “But with that attitude, you’ll never be able to sell him!”

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, “Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin.”  “What?” said the puzzled groom. “How can that be if you’ve been married ten times?”

“Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be…

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he’d look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn’t get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was… God! I miss him! But now that I’ve married you, I’m really excited!” “Good,” said the new husband, “but, why?” “You’re a lawyer. This time I know I’m gonna get screwed!”

A man with severe headaches went to the doctor. The doctor examined him and eventually said: “The good news is I can cure your headaches but the bad news is that you have a rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only solution is to remove the testicles.”

The man was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He thought for a while, but decided he had no choice but to go through with it. Afterwards, he was headache free for the first time in over 20 years, but he still felt sad that he was missing a part of himself. As he walked down the street he saw a men’s clothing store and thought he needed a new suit. An elderly salesman eyed him quickly and said: “Let’s see, you’re a size 44 long”.

The man replied: “That’s right, how did you know?” “Been in the business 60 years!” the salesman said. The man tried on the suit and it fit perfectly. The tailor asked: “How about a new shirt?” The man nodded his head.“ Let’s see, 16 and a half neck, 34 sleeve,” the salesman said. The man was surprised again that the shirt fit perfectly as well. The salesman then asked: “How about new underwear?” The man nodded again. The salesman stepped back, eyed the man’s waist and said: “Let’s see, size 36.”The man laughed and replied: “Finally I’ve got you! I’ve worn size 32 since I was 18-years-old.”The tailor shook his head and answered: “You can’t wear a size 32. Size 32 underwear would press your testicles against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.”