It’s a regular day at the hospital when a Blonde woman comes into the burn ward with both of her ears burnt.

The doctor in charge had never seen an injury quite like it. “How did you get both sides burnt like that?” He asked her.

She says, “well… when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I mistakenly picked up the iron instead of the phone.”

“Well that explains one ear,” said the doctor, his eyebrows raised as high as they can get, “but what about the other ear??” “Well, I had to call an ambulance, didn’t I?”

Morris a ninety-year-old man lived in a retirement home and got a weekend pass.

He stopped in his favourite bar and sat at the end and ordered a drink.

He noticed a seventy-year-old woman at the other end of the bar and he told the bartender to buy the lovely young lady a drink.

As the evening progressed, Morris, the old man joined the lady and they went to her apartment, where they got it on.

Two days later, the old man noticed that he was developing a drip, and he headed for the rest home doctor.

After careful examination, the doctor asked the old man if he had engaged in s*x recently.

The old man said, “Sure did!”

The doctor asked if he could remember who the woman was and where she lived.

“Yes,…but why?”

“Well you’d better get over there… you’re about to cum.”

For several months, a woman’s husband had been in and out of a coma, but she had remained at his bedside every day.

When he awoke one day, he signaled for her to approach him.

He said to her as she sat by him, his eyes welling up with tears;

” What do you think?
You’ve been there for me through everything.
You were there to support me when I was fired, and you were there when my business failed.
You were by my side when I was shot.
You stayed right here when we lost the house.
You were still by my side when my health began to deteriorate.”

“What exactly, dear?”

” she inquired softly, smiling as her heart began to warm.

“I believe you are a cursed.”

A man who lived in Alaska put trousers on his mule cause of the freezing winter snow and cold!

One day he was walking with his mule through a town in the midwest!

Nearly everyone in town was staring at the old man and his mule!

So the sheriff went over to the old man and asked out of curiosity,

“Why his mule got trousers on?”

The old man replied,

“He needed to keep his a$s warm!!!”

A blind man walks into a bar with a bear on a chain and a parrot on his shoulder.

“Hey,” the bartender exclaimed,

“No animals are allowed in here!”

“We’re not just animals, buster!” says the parrot.

“I’m not talking to you,” replied the bartender,

“I’m talking to the guy.”

“Well,” the parrot angrily replied,

“in case your beady little eyes haven’t noticed, the guy you’re talking to is deaf, mute and blind!” He then proudly added,

“I am his service bird. I do all of his talking for him. If you talk to him, you’re talking to me, so don’t be such a jack@ss!”

Hmmm, the bartender studied the bird.

“Okay, birdbrain,” the bartender leaned in close to him,

“let me take a guess, if you’re a talking service bird, then the bear must be a seeing-eye bear, right?”

“Nope,” replied the bird,

“the bear is a bodyguard.”

“What the heck does a blind, mute and deaf guy need a bodyguard for?” asked the bartender.

“The bodyguard is not his, ya dummy!” the parrot yelled,

“He’s mine!”