Daily Joke: Jokes Library

An old man was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight.

“This is exciting,” thought the old man.

“I’ve always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I’ll be able to see him in person.”

Imagine his surprise when the Pope sat down in the seat next to him for the flight.

Still, the man was too shy to speak to the Pontiff.

Shortly after take-off, the Pope began a crossword puzzle.

“This is fantastic,” thought the old man.

“I’m really good at crosswords. Perhaps, if the Pope gets stuck, he’ll ask me for assistance.”

Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the man and said,

“Excuse me, but do you know a four-letter word referring to a woman that ends with the letters ‘u-n-t?’”

Only one word leapt to mind.

“My goodness,” thought the old man, “I can’t tell the Pope that. There must be another word.”

The man thought for quite a while, then it hit him.

Turning to the pope, the gentleman said,

“I think the word you’re looking for is ‘aunt’”.

“Of course,” the Pope mused, not taking his gaze off the cross-word,

“You wouldn’t happen to have a rubber, would you?.”

Three turtles, Joe, Steve, and Poncho, decide to go on a picnic.

Joe packs the picnic basket with cookies, bottled sodas, and sandwiches.

The trouble is, the picnic site is 10 miles away, so the turtles take 10 whole days to get there.

By the time they do arrive, everyone’s whipped and hungry.

Joe takes the stuff out of the basket, one by one.

He takes out the sodas and realizes that they forgot to bring a bottle opener.

Joe & Steve beg Poncho to turn back home and retrieve it, but Poncho flatly refuses, knowing that they’ll eat everything by the time he gets back.

Somehow, after about two hours, the turtles manage to convince Poncho to go, swearing on their great-grand turtles’ graves that they won’t touch the food.

So, Poncho sets off down the road, slow and steady.

Twenty days pass, but no Poncho. Joe and Steve are hungry and puzzled, but a promise is a promise.

Another day passes, and still no Poncho, but a promise is a promise. After three more days pass without Poncho in sight, Steve starts getting restless.

“I NEED FOOD!” he says with a hint of dementia in his voice.

“NO!” Joe retorts. “We promised.”

Five more days pass.

Joe realizes that Poncho probably skipped out to the Burger King down the road, so the two turtles weakly lift the lid, get a sandwich, and open their mouths to eat.

But then, right at that instant, Poncho pops out behind a rock.

“Just for that, I’m not going.”

Little Johnny was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his parents,

“How was I born?”

‘Well honey…’ said the slightly prudish parent,

“An Angel brought you to us.”

“Oh,” said the Little Johnny.

“Well, how did you and daddy get born?” he asked.

“Oh, the angel brought us too.”

“Well how were grandpa and grandma born?” he persisted.

“Well darling, the angel brought them too!” said the parent.

Several days later,

the Little Johnny handed in his paper to the teacher who read with confusion the opening sentence:

“This report has been very difficult to write because there hasn’t been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations.”

A Dog Is Lost In The Jungle And Gets Chased By A Lion.

Somehow a dog gets lost in an African jungle.

As he is finding his way a lion spots him.

The Lion thinks since the dog is so small he will be easy pray.

When the dog sees the lion he gets extremely scared and starts to run but he sees some bones and gets an idea.

As the lion approaches he says “Mmmm, that was some good lion.”

The Lion immediately realizes this dog is a lot tougher than he thought and runs off.

But there was a monkey in a tree watching the whole time.

The monkey decides if he tells the lion what had happened the lion might reward him. So he tells the lion and the lion tells him to get on his back so they can share the dog.

As the lion and monkey find the dog, the dog spots them as well.

The dog begins to run but has another idea,

“Where is that monkey? I told him to bring me another Lion hours ago!”

A cheating husband decided to write this letter to his wife:

“You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, as a 54-year-old, can no longer satisfy.

I’m very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. However, after reading this letter, I hope you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18-year-old secretary at the Comfort Inn.

Please don’t be upset, I shall be back before midnight.”

When the man came home late that night, he found a reply to his letter on the dining room table:

“My Dear Husband,

I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old.

I would like to inform you that, while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also an assistant tennis coach.

He is young, virile and, like your secretary, he is 18.

You, being a successful businessman with excellent knowledge of math, will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference — 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18!