Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A doctor wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant.

“Seamus, I am going hunting tomorrow. I don’t want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of my patients.”

“Yes, sir!” – answers Seamus.

The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: ”So, Seamus, how was your day?”

Seamus told him that he took care of three patients.

“The first one had a headache so I gave him Tylenol.”

“Bravo, and the second one?” – asks the doctor.

“The second one had stomach burning and I gave him Malox, sir.” – says Seamus.

“Bravo, bravo! You’re good at this and what about the third one?” – asks the doctor.

“Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opened and a woman entered. Like a flame, she undressed herself, taking off everything including her bra, her panties and lied down on the table. She spread her legs and shouted: “HELP ME! For five years I have not seen any man!”

“ Thundering’ Lard Jayzus, Seamus, what did ye do?” – asks the doctor.

“I put drops in her eyes.” !!!!!

An old Pilot sat down in Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the pilot and asked, ‘Are you a real pilot?’

He replied, ‘Well, I’ve spent my whole life flying biplanes, Cubs, Aeronca’s, Neiuports, flew in WWII in a B-29, and later in the Korean conflict, taught 50 people to fly and gave rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot – what about you?’

She said, ‘I’m a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.’

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked, ‘Are you a real pilot?’

He replied, ‘I always thought I was, but I just found out I’m a lesbian.’

For her husband’s birthday, the wife decides to accompany him to a strip club.

“Hey, Dave! How ya doin’?” the doorman greets them as they enter the club.

His wife is perplexed and inquires if he has ever visited this club.

“Oh no,” Dave exclaims.

“He’s a member of my bowling team.”

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he wants his normal drink and offers him a Budweiser.

“How could she know you drink Budweiser?” his wife asks, getting increasingly uncomfortable.

“Honey, she’s in the Ladies Bowling League, and we’re on the same lanes as them.”

“Hi Davey. Want your customary table dance, big boy?” says a stripper as she walks over to their table and wraps her arms around Dave.

Furious, Dave’s wife grabs her handbag and walks out of the club.

Dave is following her and notices her getting into a taxi.

He rushes in beside her before she can slam the door.

He tries desperately to explain why the stripper mistook him for someone else, but his wife isn’t buying it.

She’s yelling at him and calling him every name in the book.

“Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave,” the cabbie remarks, turning his head.

An elderly man named Mr Lambert was going to bed when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the shed.

So he went and opened the door to turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things.

He immediately phoned the police, who asked,

“Is someone in your house?” and Mr Lambert said,

“No,” and explained the situation.

Then they explained that all patrols were very busy, that there was no one available and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available.

Mr Lambert said, “Okay,” hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

“Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don’t have to worry about them anymore because I’ve just shot them all. Goodnight”.

Then he hung up. Within 60 seconds three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up.

Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the policemen said to Mr Lambert,

“I thought you said that you’d shot them?!”

Mr Lambert said,

“I thought you said there was nobody available?!”

“Susie asks, “Mommy, why do you always cut the ends off the sausages before you put them in the skillet?”

“Oh, that’s just the way my mother always did it. You’ll have to ask her.”

“Granny”, asks Susie the next time her grandmother visits. “Why do you and mommy always cut the ends off the sausages before you put them in the skillet?”

“Oh, that’s just the way my mother always did it. “You’ll have to ask her.”

“Great Granny”, asks Susie the next time they visit her slightly senile grandmother in the nursing home. “Why do you, Granny and Mommy always cut the ends off the sausages before you put them in the skillet?”

“Oh for frick sake”, yells Great Granny. “Are they still using that small goddamn frying pan??!!”