Daily Joke: Jokes Library

Two medical students were walking along the street.

When they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart.

He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.

One student said to his friend:

“I’m sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that.”

The other student says:

“No, I don’t think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class.”

Since they couldn’t agree they decided to ask the old man.

They approached him and one of the students said to him,

“We’re medical students and couldn’t help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn’t agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?”

The old man said, “I’ll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think.”

The first student said, “I think it’s Peltry Syndrome.”

The old man said, “You thought – but you are wrong.”

The other student said, “I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome.”

The old man said,

“You thought – but you are wrong.” So they asked him,

“Well, old-timer, what do you have?”

The old man said,

“I thought it was gas – but I was wrong, too!”

An avid old golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital.
Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him.
“I have some good news and some bad news,” says the surgeon.
“The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!”
“Oh God no!” cries the man.
“My golfing is over! Please Doc, what’s the good news?”
“The good news is… I have another one to replace it with, but it’s a woman’s arm and I’ll need your permission before I can go ahead with the transplant.”
“Go for it doc,” says the old man, “as long as I can play golf again.”
The operation went well and a year later the old man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon.
“Hi, how’s the new arm?” asks the surgeon.
“Just great,” says the old golfer.
“I’m playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch, and my putting has really improved.”
“That’s great,” said the surgeon.
“Not only that,” continued the old golfer,
“My handwriting has improved, I’ve learned how to sew my own clothes and I’ve even taken up painting landscapes in watercolours. “
“That’s unbelievable!” said the surgeon,
“I’m so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?”
“Well, just two, said the old golfer,
“I have trouble parallel parking, and every time I get an erection I also get a headache.

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her.

One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said,

“Ma’am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag.”

“Oh, really? Darn it!” said the little old lady.

“I’d better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me, Officer.”

“Well, now, not so fast,” said the cop.

” Where did you get all that money? You didn’t steal it, did you?”

“Oh, no, no”, said the old lady.

“You see, my backyard is right next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knothole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, ‘why not make the best of it?’

So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knothole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, ‘O.K., buddy! Give me $20 or off it comes!’

“Well, that seems only fair,” said the cop, laughing.

“OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what’s in the other bag?”

“Not everybody pays.”

The 80-year-old man sat down in the orthopaedic surgeon’s office.

“You know, Doc,” he said,

“I’ve made love in more exotic cars than anyone I know. Must be at least a thousand.”

“And now, I suppose, you want me to treat you for arthritis you got from scrunching up in all those uncomfortable positions?” the doctor asked.

“Hell, no!” the old fellow replied.

“I want to borrow your Lamborghini!”

A farmer was heading home from the market with his horse and cart.

Suddenly, he saw a snail crossing the road:

The farmer was a kind man, so he stopped his horse and waited patiently as the snail got out of the way.

When the snail was safe in the grass, the farmer was about to continue down the road when suddenly, a fairy appeared by the roadside.

“Since you’ve always been kind to animals, big and small, I shall grant you three wishes.” The fairy said.

“Well, in that case.” The farmer said.

“I want a chest full of gold. And I want a new cart for my horse. And…”

The man went silent and thought about it for a moment and then said.

“Well, to be honest, I’m not very well endowed. I want the genitalia my horse has!”

The fairy waved her wand, and everything that the man had wished for came true.

When he got back to the farm, the farmer’s wife was surprised to see him sitting on a brand new cart.

She was even more surprised when he showed her a chest full of gold.

But when the farmer stood up and pulled down his pants, she immediately fainted.

The farmer bent down to inspect his new equipment which was apparently so impressive that it had made his wife faint.

He exclaimed. “Damnit, I forgot I brought the mare today!”