Daily Joke: Jokes Library

There once was a little old lady who wanted a parrot all her life.

Finally, one day she spots a good deal on a parrot for sale in the newspaper.

She makes the call and arranges to pick it up the next day.

In the meantime, out she goes to the pet store and buys the very best cage for him that money can buy.

The next day the little old lady brings her parrot home and puts him in the cage.

She watches him excitedly as he looks around his new surroundings and asks,

“Do you like it? Do you like it?

The parrot drolly says, “nice f…n’ cage”.

Well!!! The little old lady’s hair stood straight up! She opens the cage door, grabs the Parrot and shakes her finger at him.

“There will be no language like that in my house mister! The next time I hear language like that out of your mouth, there will be SERIOUS consequences!”

Upon which she promptly throws the parrot back into the cage and slams the door.

A few days later, the little old lady was thinking about the incident, and she felt terrible.

After all, they were still getting to know one another; maybe she came down too hard on the poor parrot.

To make it up to him she goes to the pet store to buy him a present.

There she found a beautiful perch – top of the line – the very best perch that money could buy.

She rushes home as fast as she can and puts the perch in the cage – looking expectantly at the parrot;

“Do you like it? Do you like it?”

“The parrot looks the perch over and says (dripping with sarcasm) “nice f…n’ perch”.

WELL!!!!! The little old lady opens the cage, grabs the parrot and marches into the kitchen.

“I told you the next time I heard language like that out of your mouth there would be serious consequences”.

She promptly opened the freezer door and threw the parrot in, slamming it shut behind him.

An hour or so goes by and she thinks he’s probably learned his lesson.

Opening the freezer door, the parrot comes toddling out and says,

“One question; what the f##$ did the chicken do?”

On the first day of school, a first-grade teacher goes around the room, asking the six-year-olds what their parents do for a living.

Little Billy says, “My Dad is an engineer, and my Mom is a secretary.”

Then little Susie says, “My Dad is an accountant, and my Mom is a waitress.”

Then little Johnny says, “My Dad plays the piano in a whorehouse, and my Mom stays home to take care of me and my sister.”

The teacher gives Johnny a note to take home, asking his father to come see her.

The next day, Johnny’s father shows up at the school, and the teacher says, “Johnny told me what you do for a living. That you play the piano at a whorehouse!”

“Oh that!” the man says, and makes a face. “Actually I’m a lawyer, but how can you tell a little kid a thing like that?”

On the first day, God created the dog and said, “Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of 20 years.”

The dog said, “That’s a long time to be barking. How about only 10 years and I’ll give you back the other 10?”

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, “Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I’ll give you a 20-year life span.”

The monkey said, “Monkey tricks for 20 years? That’s a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back 10 like the dog did?”

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said, “You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer’s family. For this, I will give you a life span of 60 years.”

The cow said, “That’s kind of a tough life you want me to live for 60 years. How about 20 and I’ll give back the other 40?”

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, “Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I’ll give you 20 years.”

But the human said, “Only 20 years? Could you possibly give me my 20, the 40 the cow gave back, the 10 the monkey gave back, and the 10 the dog gave back? That makes 80, okay?”

“Okay,” said God. “You asked for it.”

So that is why for our first 20 years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next 40 years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next 10 years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last 10 years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

A girl is walking through a cemetery at night.

She’s a little nervous because it’s dark, but it’s the shortest way to get to her home.

Suddenly she hears a distinct tapping noise from the graves on her left. Her heart almost stops as she pauses mid-step. She hears it again – tap, tap, tap.

She screams and starts running down the path. After a while she stops to catch her breath. “This is silly” she thinks to herself “there must be a rational explanation.”

She slowly retraces her steps and walks towards the direction of the sound – tap, tap, tap.

There, sitting on a grave, is a gentle old man with a small hammer and chisel. He is tapping out an inscription on the tombstone.

“Phew! You scared me” the girl says, relieved upon seeing him. “What are you carving there?”

The old man turns to her and smiles. “I’m just correcting the spelling of my name”

The devil welcomes him and says:”Let me show you around a little bit.” They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. “This is your house now, here are your keys.” The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:”No need to say thank you, everyone gets a nice place to live in when they come down here!”

They continue walking through the nice park, flowers everywhere, and the devil shows the atheist a garage full of beautiful cars. “These are your cars now!” and hands the man all the car keys. Again, the atheist tries to thank the devil, but he only says “Everyone down here gets some cool cars! How would you drive around without having cars?”.

They walk on and the area gets even nicer. There are birds chirping, squirrels running around, kittens everywhere. They arrive at a fountain, where the most beautiful woman the atheist has ever seen sits on a bench. She looks at him and they instantly fall in love with each other. The man couldn´t be any happier. The devil says “Everyone gets to have their soulmate down here, we don´t want anyone to be lonely!”

As they walk on, the atheist notices a high fence. He peeks to the other side and is totally shocked. There are people in pools of lava, screaming in pain, while little devils run around and stab them with their tridents. Other devils are skinning people alive, heads are spiked, and many more terrible things are happening. A stench of sulfur is in the air.

Terrified, the man stumbles backwards, and asks the devil “What is going on there?” The devil just shrugs and says: “Those are the christians, I don´t know why, but they prefer it that way”