07/05/2022 from Daily Jokes
#16163
There was once a very prim and proper older lady who had a problem with passing gas.
Since she came from a generation where people didn’t even talk about this kind of problem it took a long time for her to seek help.
Finally, however, she was persuaded to consult her family doctor.
After she filled out all the proper forms and had waited about 20 minutes in the waiting room the doctor called her into his office, leaned back in his chair, folded his hands into a steeple and asked her how he
could help.
“Doctor,” she said,
“I have a very bad gas problem.”
“A gas problem?” replied the doctor.
“Yes. Yesterday afternoon I had lunch with the Secretary of State and his wife and had six, um, er, ah… silent gas emissions. Last night I had dinner with the governor and his wife and had four silent gas
emissions. Then, while sitting in your waiting room I had five silent gas emissions! Doctor, you’ve got to help me! What can we do?”
“Well,” said the doctor thoughtfully,
“I think the first thing we’re going to do is give you a hearing test.”
07/04/2022 from Daily Jokes
#16160
An ex-convict with a violent temper gets a job as a maintenance man in a zoo:
While repairing the fish tank a few fish bit his ankles.
He smashed them with his hammer in retaliation.
He quickly threw them to the lions so he wouldn’t get caught.
His next job was repairing the chimpanzee cage.
The chimps played hell with him until he turned on them with his hammer.
Again he threw the dead chimps to the lions.
His last job was making a new hive for the bees, but they stung him badly.
He smashed the bees into a pulp with his hammer and again threw them to the lions.
The next day a new lion arrived at the zoo.
He asked the other lions what the food was like.
One lion said.
“It’s getting better, yesterday we had fish, chimps and mushy bees!”
07/03/2022 from Daily Jokes
#16156
There is a mommy stork, a daddy stork, and a baby stork.
One day, daddy didn’t come home for dinner.
Mommy and baby were very worried.
When dad came home late the next morning, they asked what he was doing.
“I was making a young couple very happy,” he replied.
About a week later, mommy didn’t come home for dinner.
Daddy and the baby were very worried.
When mom came home late the next morning, they asked what she was doing.
“I was making a young couple very happy,” she replied.
A few days later, the baby didn’t come home for dinner.
Mom and dad were very worried.
When he came home very late the next morning, they asked him where he was.
Baby just grinned and said,
“I’ve been scaring the sh!t out of college students!”
07/02/2022 from Daily Jokes
#16153
A 50-year-old lady, who suddenly started learning how to swim instead of her usual routine work of going to a Church !!!!
Everyone was curious and asked her:
“why the change in your interest in swimming nowadays?”
The lady, with a look of helplessness, replied:
Whenever my son and daughter-in-law quarrel each other She ( Daughter-in-law) always asks my son:
“If your mom and I fall in the water, whom will you save first?”
And because I do not want to put my son in a difficult position, so I am learning how to swim!
A few days later husband and wife were quarrelling again, and the daughter-in-law unreasonably asked:
” now tell me! If your mom and I fall in the water, whom will you save first?”
Husband replied:
“I don’t have to get down in the water, my mom knows how to swim, she will save you.”
Wife refused to relent:
“No, you have to jump in the water, and have to save one of us”
The husband replied:
“Then you will surely die…. because I don’t know how to swim …. and my mom will definitely save me first.”
07/01/2022 from Daily Jokes
#16150
A man goes to the movie theatre with his duck.
The ticket agent looks at the man and then at the duck, which is on a leash.
The ticket agent states that the duck is not permitted in the theatre.
The man explains that the duck is his service pet.
However, because he didn’t have his service pet certification on him, the duck wasn’t allowed in.
The man then goes to the side of the theatre and stuffs the duck down the front of his pants.
With no duck to be seen, the ticket agent allows the man in.
The theatre was packed and the man ends up sitting next to two ladies.
About twenty minutes into the movie the duck was getting uncomfortable and hot so the man unzips his pants to let the duck breath.
The duck sticks out his head and starts looking around.
One lady nudges the other lady and exclaims,
“Hey, this guy next to me just unzipped his pants.”
The lady furthest away says,
“Once you’ve seen one, you’ve seen them all”.
The other lady replies,
“Yes, that’s what I thought, but this one’s eating my popcorn”.