Daily Joke: Jokes Library

There was this old man from Texas who decided to do a little travelling and when he got as far north as Kansas City he was feeling pretty horny so decided to stay awhile:

That evening he hailed a cab and asked the cabbie about houses of ill repute,

So the cabbie took him to one that he knew well.

After choosing a suitable looking gal they went upstairs and on the way, the girl commented on how tall the man was.

The old man said everything from Texas was big.

After getting undressed and the girl had taken a good look she said I can see what you mean about everything from Texas being big.

“Yes ma’am.” Said the man.

“I mean everything.”

After they had finished their business and were getting dressed the old man asked.

“By the way ma’am, what part of Texas are you from?”

Two old men were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court on Friday before the judge.

The judge said, “You seem like nice men, and I’d like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug  use and get them to give up drugs forever. I’ll see you back in court Monday.”

Monday, the two oldies were in court, and the judge said to the 1st one, “How did you do over the weekend?”

“Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever.”

“17 people? That’s wonderful. What did you tell them?”

“I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this… o O

And told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs.”

“That’s admirable,” said the judge.

“And you, how did you do?”, he asked the second old boy,

“Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever.”

“156 people! That’s amazing! How did you manage to do that?!?”,

“Well, I used a similar approach. (draws two circles) O o

I said (pointing to the small circle) “this is your a$shole before prison, …”

Two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town.

After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel.

The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager: ‘Go upto the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk, I’m not wasting two of my girls on them. They won’t know the difference’.

The manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and take care of their business.

As they are walking home the first man says “You know, I think my girl was dead’. ”

Dead? says his friend, “Why do you say that?’

‘Well she never moved or made a sound all the time I was loving her’.

His friend says. ‘Could be worse I think mine was a witch’.

‘A witch??….why the hell would you say that?’ ‘

Well, I was making love to her, kissing her on the neck, and I gave her a little bite, then she farted and flew out the window… took my teeth with her!’

Three women, trapped on a deserted island, decided to race each other, swimming around the island.

The brunette comes in first, taking only 30mins to swim around the island. The redhead comes in second with 45mins. Once they caught their breath, they became increasingly concerned if something happened to the blonde as she was nowhere to be seen.

Finally after 6hours, the blonde finally completes her round, completely exhausted. “I don’t want to be a sore loser, but the both of you cheated on the race. We were supposed to be swimming breast stroke, but I saw the both of you using your arms!”

A boy decides to learn the language of all animals.

– Dad, there is a school where you can learn the language of animals. Please, give me money to go there and study.

Fathers agree and give him money

After a year, the son returns home and the father decides to test his skills

-Son, did you learn the language?

-Yes father. Do you hear the cow mooing? She says that she is about to give you 10 litres of milk.

-That’s impossible, this cow can give no more than a litre.

Dad milked the cow and it actually gave him 10 litres of milk

Dad’s super confused but decided that it was a coincidence

-Do you hear that hen? She says that she is about to lay 5 eggs now

-That’s impossible, that hen has never laid any eggs before.

Dad still goes there and checks for the eggs and there actually are 5 eggs laid

Dad is confused but starts to believe his son

The second day son sees a donkey running away from his dad and hee-hawing.

Dad trying to pull up his trousers and chase the donkey and screaming to his son:

– Don’t trust this donkey, she’s lying, don’t believe it son.