Daily Joke: Jokes Library

One Day the lion wakes up in the jungle and finds that a tool is missing, he goes to an elephant and asks,

“Have you seen my tool?”

Elephant replies: “What does it look like?”

Lion: “Well it’s got four points on it.”

Elephant: “Sorry, I haven’t seen it, try mouse.”

So the Lion goes to the mouse and asks “Have you seen my tool?”

Mouse: “What does it look like?”

Lion: “Well it’s got four points on it.”

Mouse: “Sorry mate, I’ve not seen it, try croc.”

So the lion proceeds to the crocodile and asks “Have you seen my tool?”

Croc: “What does it look like?”

Lion: “Well it’s got four points on it.”

Croc: “Sorry I’ve not seen it, try Jaguar.”

So the lion goes to Jaguar and asks “Have you seen my tool?”

Jaguar: “Of course, I ate it.”

Lion: “Why did you do that?”

Jaguar: “Well I’m a four point tool eater Jaguar.”

It was a practical session in the psychology class.

The professor showed a large cage with a male rat in it:

The rat was in the middle of the cage.

Then, the professor put a piece of cake on one side and put a female rat on the other side.

The male rat ran towards the cake and ate it.

Then, the professor changed the cake and replaced it with some bread.

The male rat again ran towards the bread.

This experiment went on with the professor changing the food every time.

And, every time, the male rat ran towards the food item and never towards the female rat.

Professor asked the students.

“This experiment shows that food is the greatest strength and attraction, do you agree?”

Then, one of the students from the back rows said.

“Sir, why don’t you change the female rat? This one might be his wife!”

The professor stood straight up, his finger pointing towards the student and said….

“You just got an A.

The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said,

“My family went to my granddad’s farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.”

The teacher said,

“That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not ‘fascinating’.”

Sally raised her hand. She said,

“My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”

The teacher said,

“Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”

Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.

She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,”

so she called on him.

Johnny said,

“My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her t!ts are so big she can only fasten eight!”

The teacher sat down and cried.

Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally, sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska, as far from humanity as possible.

He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month.

Otherwise it’s total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door.

He opens it, and a huge, bearded man is standing there.

“Name’s Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night, thought you might like to come. About 5:00.”

“Great”, says Tom, “after six months out here I’m ready to meet some local folks. Thank you.”

As Lars is leaving, he stops. “Gotta warn you … be some drinkin.”

“Not a problem” says Tom. “After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of ‘em.”

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. “More ‘n’ likely gonna be some fightin’ too.”

“Well, I get along with people, I’ll be all right. I’ll be there, thanks again.”

“More’n likely be some wild s3x, too.”

“Now that’s really not a problem,” says Tom, warming to the idea.

“I’ve been all alone for six months! I’ll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?”

“Don’t much matter … just gonna be the two of us.”

Three women have just entered heaven, and are standing in front of an angel and St. Peter to find out what kinds of special privileges they’ll have while there. He says to the women, “I only have one question. Have you lived a chaste life?”

The first woman answers “I have only had sex with one man, my husband. And our first time was on our wedding night.” St. Peter turns to the angel and says “Ah, a woman who has lived as God intended, and certainly deserving of reward. Give her a key to the golden room.”

The second woman says, “I have never known a man’s touch. I was a nun, and stayed in the sisterhood since I was only a young lass.” St. Peter turned to the angel and said “Truly exceptional, a woman who has gone above and beyond in service of God. Give her a key to the platinum room!”

The third woman says “I fvcked 239 dudes: 67 before I met my husband, 35 while we were dating, 12 while we were engaged, 78 while we were married and 46 after he died.” St. Peter stood stunned for a second, then leaned over to the angel and whispered, “Give her a key to my room.”