Daily Joke: Jokes Library

While at his favourite bar, he manages to attract one rather attractive looking girl.

So they’re back at his place, and sure enough, they go at it.

After a long while… He climaxes loudly.

Then he rolls over, lights up a cigarette and asks her,

“So…. you finish?” After a slight pause.

She replies, “No.”

Surprised, but pleasantly, he puts out his cigarette, rolls back on top of her, and has his way with her again, this time lasting even longer than the first… and this time completing the deed with even louder shouts.

Again he rolls over, lights a cigarette, and asks, “So…. you finish?”

And again, after a short pause, she simply says “No.”

Stunned, but still acting reflexively on his macho pride, he once again puts out the cigarette and mounts his companion du jour.

This time, with all the strength he could muster up, he barely manages to end the task, but he does after quite some time and energy is spent.

Barely able to roll over, he reaches for his cigarette … lights it again, and then asks tiredly, “So… you finish?”

“No. I’m Swedish.”

An old station hand named Billy was overseeing his stock in a remote pasture in the outback when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Bryony suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the old man,

“If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?”

Billy looks at the young man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing animals and calmly answers,

“Sure, why not?”

The yuppie parks his car whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his

location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The yuppie then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany …..

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored.

He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to Billy and says,

“You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.”

“That’s right. Well, you’ll be helpin’ yourself to one of me animals, then, since you won it fair and square.” says Billy.

He watches the smartly dressed yuppie select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the man gingerly picks it up & stuffs it into the boot of his car.

As the yuppie is carefully brushing the dust & hair off his suit, Billy says,

“Hey, if I can tell you exactly what work you do & where you come from, will you give me back my calf?”

The yuppie thinks about it for a second, wondering what this wrinkled up dirt encrusted uneducated old man could possibly know? He grins and then says,

“Okay, old fella, why not? I’m a believer in fair play.”

“You’re a politician & you work in Canberra.” says the old-timer.

“Wow! That’s correct,” says the yuppie, “but, tell me how on earth did you guess that?”

“No guessing required.” answered Billy

“You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollar’s worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don’t know a thing about how working people make a living – or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.

Now give me back my dog.” !!!!!

A clergyman was walking down a country lane and saw a young farmer struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off.

“You look hot, my son,” said the cleric.

“Why don’t you rest a moment, and I’ll give you a hand.”

“No thanks,” said the young man.

“My father wouldn’t like it.”

“Don’t be silly,” the minister said.

“Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of water.”

Again the young man protested that his father would be upset.

Losing his patience, the clergyman said,

“Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him and I’ll give him a piece of my mind!”

“Well,” replied the young farmer,

“he’s under a load of hay.”

Little Johnny, Billy, and Tommy were walking home from school one warm spring day.

As they were cutting through the alleys and backyards,

They happened to look through a hole in the fence of one of the yards where a woman was sunbathing in the nude.

As they looked through the hole, Johnny suddenly started to scream, left his friends and took off running for home.

The next day, as the three boys came home again, they found the same hole in the fence and started to watch the woman.

Again, after just a few minutes, Johnny started screaming and ran off quickly.

On the third day, the boys were peeping into the hole in the fence again after school, when Johnny turned around and started to run again.

But this time, Bill and Tommy grabbed him and demanded to know what was wrong.

Johnny replied, “My mother told me that if I ever looked at a naked woman, I would turn to stone…

And I started to feel a part of me getting awfully hard!

A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which place had the toughest trees.

The Mexican woodpecker claimed

Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.

The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem.

The Mexican woodpecker was amazed.

The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely ‘im-peckable’ (term woodpeckers like to use).

The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge.

The two flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called ‘im-peckable’ tree almost without breaking a sweat.

Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused.

How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country?

After many woodpeckers pondering, they both came to the same conclusion:

Apparently, your pecker gets harder when you’re away from home.