08/04/2022 from Daily Jokes
#16262
A respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said,
‘I would like to buy some cyanide’
The pharmacist asked,
‘Why in the world do you need cyanide?’
The lady replied,
‘I need it to poison my husband.’
The pharmacist’s eyes got big and he exclaimed,
‘Lord have mercy! I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband. That’s against the law! I’ll lose my license! They’ll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CAN NOT have any cyanide!’
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,
‘Well now, that’s different.
You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.
08/03/2022 from Daily Jokes
#16259
A Zebra, pondering his life, sips water at the edge of a river….when a crocodile snaps up, bites the Zebras head and kills the zebra…
The zebra’s soul goes to heaven where St Peter meets the zebra to welcome his heaven.
The Zebra says…
“you know, I died because I was sitting there pondering if I was white with black stripes…..or black with white stripes. “
St Peter says..” well the only person who can answer that is God. Go see Him.”
The zebra follows signs to see God, and when it’s his turn he asks God…
.”Am I white with black stripes …or am I black with white stripes? “
God answers in a booming voice….
”You Are, What You Are….Next!”
As the Zebra walks out of Gods room he’s pondering what the heck just happened…and St Peter happens to walk by.
“Hey zebra, did you ask God your question?”
The zebra says….
”yes, I asked God…am I white with black stripes or black with white stripes…and God only said ‘you are what you are”
St Peter says ”that’s fantastic, there you go …you’re White with black stripes!”
The zebra asks “ how do you figure”
St Peter states
“ well, if you were Black with white stripes, God would have said You is what You is”
08/02/2022 from Daily Jokes
#16256
A man is sent to prison for the first time.
At night, the lights in the cell block are turned off, and his cellmate goes over to the bars and yells,
“Number twelve!”
The whole cell block breaks out laughing.
A few minutes later, somebody else in the cell block yells,
“Number four!”
Again, the whole cell block breaks out laughing.
The new guy asks his cellmate what’s going on.
“Well,” says the older prisoner,
“we’ve all been in this here prison for so long, we all know the same jokes. So we just yell out the number instead of saying the whole joke.”
So the new guy walks up to the bars and yells,
“Number twenty-nine!”
This time the whole cell block rocks with the loudest laughter, prisoners rolling on the floor laughing hysterically.
When the guffaws die down, the bewildered new guy turns to the older prisoner and asks,
“How come you guys were laughing so hard this time?”
“Oh,” says the older man wiping tears from his eyes,
“we’d never heard that one before.”
08/01/2022 from Daily Jokes
#16252
Mr. Bear, Mr. Rabbit and the Golden Frog.
Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit didn’t like each other very much.
One day, while walking through the woods, and they came across a golden frog.
They were amazed when the frog talked to them.
The golden frog admitted that he didn’t often meet anyone, but, when he did, he always gave them six wishes.
He told them that they could have 3 wishes each.
Mr. Bear immediately wished that all the other bears in the forest were females.
The frog granted his wish.
Mr. Rabbit, after thinking for a while, wished for a crash helmet.
One appeared immediately, and he placed it on his head. Mr. Bear was amazed at Mr. Rabbit’s wish, but carried on with his second wish.
He wished that all the bears in the neighbouring forests were females as well, and the frog granted his wish.
Mr. Rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. It appeared before him, and he climbed on board and started revving the engine.
Mr. Bear could not believe it and Complained that Mr. Rabbit had wasted two wishes that he could have had for himself.
Shaking his head, Mr. Bear made his final wish, that all the other bears in the world were females as well, leaving him as the only male bear in the world.
The frog replied that it had been done, and they both turned to Mr. Rabbit for his last wish. Mr. Rabbit revved the engine, thought for a second, then said,
“I wish that Mr. Bear was gay!” and rode off as fast as he could!
07/31/2022 from Daily Jokes
#16249
A 6 year old and a 4 year old are raking the yard…
The 6 year old asks, “You know what…? I think it’s about time we started learning to cuss”.
The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
The 6 year old continues, “When we go in for breakfast, I’m gonna say something with hell and you say something with a$s”..
The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm. When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies,
“Aw, hell, Mum, i guess I’ll have some Cheerios”…
WHACK!
He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step…
His mum locks him in his room and shouts,
“You can stay there until I let you out”…
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4-year-old and asks with a stern voice,
“what do YOU want for breakfast, young man”…?
“I don’t know,” he blubbers,
“but you can bet your fat a$$ it won’t be Cheerios”…