Daily Joke: Jokes Library

So a stoner, a whoremonger, and an alcoholic are all on the bus together when they get in a fatal crash. Naturally, they go to hell for their sins, and when they meet the devil instead of damnation he first offers them 100 years in the room of their preferred sin with the condition they cannot leave even once. All three men, of course, gleefully accept the offer and go into their respective rooms.

100 years later, the devil checks on the room with the whoremonger and upon opening the door is met with “OH, THANK GOD ITS YOU! YOURE BACK!” His body was chapped and worn, his manhood bruised to a pulp from overuse, he said “I swear I repent, I will never lust after a woman again! Just let me free!”

“Very well”, says the devil, and goes to check on the room with the alcoholic. Upon opening the door is met with “OH, THANK GOD ITS YOU! YOURE BACK!” He looked sicker than a corpse with the hangover, the room covered in vomit and half finished bottles, he said “I swear I repent, I will never taste a drop of alcohol again! Just let me free!”

“Very well”, says the devil, and goes to check on the room with the stoner. Upon opening the door, he hears no yelling or begging, but instead sees the man sitting in the middle of a cannabis garden more lush than Eden, gently crying. The devil approaches him and asks, “so, how did you enjoy your century of sin?”, to which the man tearfully replies “…you forgot to give me a lighter.”

An elderly husband and wife noticed that they were beginning to forget many little things around the house.

They were afraid that this could be dangerous, as one of them may accidentally forget to turn off the stove and thus cause a fire.

So, they decided to go see their physician get some help.

Their physician told them that many people their age find it useful to write themselves little notes as reminders.

The elderly couple thought this sounded wonderful, and left the doctor’s office very pleased with the advice.

When they got home, the wife said,

“Dear, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And why don’t you write that down so you won’t forget?”

“Nonsense,” said the husband, “I can remember a dish of ice cream!”

“Well,” said the wife, “I’d also like some strawberries on it. You better write that down, because I know you’ll forget.”

“Don’t be silly,” replied the husband. “A dish of ice cream and some strawberries. I can remember that!”

“OK, dear, but I’d like you to put some whipped cream on top. Now you’d really better write it down now. You’ll forget,” said the wife.

“Come now, my memory’s not all that bad,” said the husband.

“No problem — a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream.”

And with that, the husband shut the kitchen door behind him.

The wife could hear him getting out pots and pans, and making some noise inconsistent with his preparing a dish of ice cream, strawberries, and whipped cream.

He emerged from the kitchen about 15 minutes later.

Walking over to his wife, he presented her with a plate of bacon and eggs.

The wife took one look at the plate, glanced up at her husband and said,

“Hey, where’s the toast?

Little Johnny once bought his Granny a very fine toilet brush for her birthday.

But when he went to visit her a few weeks later, there wasn’t a sign of it in the bathroom.

Little Johnny asked his Grandma,

“Granny, what happened to the loo brush I gave you?”

“Darling, I really didn’t like it. After all those years, I’ve gotten used to the toilet paper, and this new thing was just far too scratchy.”

A young lady is working at an old people’s home when she walks into an old gentleman’s room.

He’s holding a set of photographs and looks upset.

“What’s the matter?” She asks

“I’ve got no one to pass these onto when I go”. Says the old man, looking at his photos

“Let me show you” and he presents her with a photo of an old car, “this is my vintage E type Jaguar. It’s priceless and in pristine condition” “I’ll… I’ll let you have it if you just give me a quick flash of those lovely bre@sts.”

Interested in the prospect of inheriting the old man’s car and feeling a bit sorry for the old geezer, she agrees and proceeds to undress for him.

Looking visibly happier, he pulls out another photo,

“this is my house in Devon. It’s an 8 bedroom mansion with a swimming pool and 25 acres of land.”

“You can have it, only, I’d love to see those bre@sts bouncing up and down in front of me.”

She thinks about this for a few seconds, then agrees and proceeds to jump up and down topless in front of the old man.

Now vibrant, the old man grabs another photo and says

“here, look, this is my yacht off of the coast of Gibraltar.”

“It’s yours if you could just let me play with those spiffing bre@sts of yours for a couple of minutes.”

Deciding it’s worth it, she leans forward and lets the old man have a good fumble of her jubblies.

Wide-eyed and with a cheeky grin on his face, the old man says,

“thank you so much, my dear.”

He stands up and hands her the three photographs.

An old man and his wife lived deep in the hills and seldom saw many people.

One day a peddler came by to sell his goods and asked the man if he or his wife wanted to buy something.

“Well, my wife ain’t home, she’s gone down to the creek to wash clothes, but lemme see what you got,” said the man.

The peddler showed him pots and pans, tools and gadgets, but the old man wasn’t interested.

Then the man spotted a mirror and said, “What’s that?”

Before the peddler could tell him it was a mirror, the old man picked it up and said,

“My God, how’d you get a picture of my Pappy?”

The old man was so happy, that he traded his wife’s best pitcher for it.

The peddler left before the wife came back and spoiled his sale.

The old man was worried that the wife would be mad at him for trading her best pitcher, so he hid it in the barn behind some boxes of junk.

He would go out to the barn 2 or 3 times a day to look at the “picture” and eventually, the wife got suspicious.

One day she got fed up and after he retired for the night, she went out to the barn.

She saw the mirror behind the boxes, picked it up and said,

“so this is the hussy he’s been foolin’ around with!”