06/18/2022 from Daily Jokes
#16100
A farmer has 895 sheep.
Realizing that this is quite a lot of sheep for one farm, and Jess the sheepdog is getting a bit old, he decides he’ll probably need a new dog- no, a whole team of dogs- to round so many sheep up.
So the next day, the farmer goes to the pet store.
He looks around at the various herding dogs- they seem very fit, but young and untrained.
The shopkeeper asks the farmer if he wants any help.
“Why yes,” says the farmer.
“I need a team of sheepdogs to help round up my flock. I have a rather large number of sheep, you see, and I don’t think any of these young pups would be up to the task of rounding up so many.”
The shopkeeper says,
“I’ve got just the thing for you.” and leads the farmer into a small back room, where a single sheepdog sits waiting.
“Are you sure?” asks the farmer,
“I have very many sheep and I don’t think one dog will be able to round all of them up.”.
“I’m sure.” says the shopkeeper,
“This is a very intelligent dog. He’s been well-trained for many jobs and has skills beyond any other dog I’ve ever seen.”
“Yes,” says the dog,
“I know six languages, eight martial arts and I have a degree in engineering.”
The farmer, clearly very impressed by this dog- who wouldn’t be impressed by that?- decides to take him home.
That afternoon, the farmer and the dog walk together uphill, and from the top, they can see the entire flock covering the fields.
“Well,” says the farmer, “I’d like you to round up all of this sheep.”.
“Okay.” replies the dog,
“You have nine hundred sheep.”
06/17/2022 from Daily Jokes
#16096
A lady went to a psychiatrist complaining of a terrible phobia.
“Every time I lay down on my bed I get this terrible fear that there is something underneath.”
“Wow” responded the psychiatrist in amazement.
“I’ve never heard of such a phobia, but like all phobias it can be treated, but it will likely take around 20 sessions.”
OK” responded the lady “how much is each session?”
“Oh it’s just $80 a session, but trust me it’s well worth it.”
When the lady didn’t come back to the psychiatrist he gave the lady a call.
“How come I didn’t hear from you?” He asked.
“Well” responded the lady “when I came home and told my husband about the cost he thought he would save some money and just cut the legs off the bed!”
06/16/2022 from Daily Jokes
#16092
A woman takes her 18-year-old daughter to the doctor.
The doctor says,
“Okay, Mrs. Jones, what’s the problem?”
The mother says,
“It’s my daughter Darla. She keeps getting these cravings, she’s putting on weight, and is sick most mornings.”
The doctor gives Darla a good examination, then turns to the mother and says,
“Well, I don’t know how to tell you this, but your Darla is pregnant – about 4 months, would be my guess.”
The mother says,
“Pregnant?! She can’t be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Darla?”
Darla says, “No mother! I’ve never even kissed a man!”
The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out of it.
About five minutes pass and finally the mother says,
“Is there something wrong out there doctor?”
The doctor replies,
“No, not really, it’s just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I’ll be darned if I’m going to miss it this time!”
06/15/2022 from Daily Jokes
#16088
A 75-year old man went to his doctor’s office to get a sperm count.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said.
“Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow.”
The next day, the 75-year old man reappears at the doctor’s office and gives him the jar,.
which is as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asks what happened, and the man explains.
“Well, doc, it is like this.
First I tried with my right hand, but nothing.
Then I tried with my left hand, but nothing.
Then I asked my wife for help.
She tried with her right hand, but nothing.. Then her left, but nothing.
She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing.
Hell, we even called up the lady next door, and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing.”
The doctor was shocked. “You asked your NEIGHBOR?”
The old man replied,
“Yep, but no matter what we tried, we could not get the damn jar open!”
06/14/2022 from Daily Jokes
#16086
A beautiful woman is sitting next to the little johnny on a plane.
There is terrible turbulence and then the plane goes into a sudden nosedive.
The Captain comes on the intercom and says
“I hate to have to tell you this folk, but we might not walk away from this one.”
Everyone begins to panic except for johnny who sheepishly turns to the woman and says,
“I hate to trouble you miss, but we might die and I’ve never kissed anyone.”
The woman is at first taken aback but after a moment realizes she might as well make the kid happy in their final moments.
She passionately kisses him.
Johnny, elated, goes on,
“Sorry to bother you again after such a lovely kiss, but we might die and I’ve never felt a bre@st.”
Again the woman is taken aback but decides there is no harm in it and slides his hand under her shirt.
After a good long feel, the little Johnny again says
“you’ve been so kind already but please, I don’t want to die never having gotten a bl0w job.”
Already committed to helping this boy have new experiences before they die, the woman smiles and begins to undo his belt.
Just then the plane levels off.
As everyone exits the plane they shake hands with the captain and congratulate him.
The woman walks off the plain she says
“thank you so much for saving us from certain death.”
The Little Johnny shouts
“just a little longer next time dad!”