06/28/2022 from Daily Jokes
#16137
A few women were sitting around the table talking, and the subject turned to their husbands.
One lady said, “My husband just won’t go to church with me, I think he’s going to go to Hell.”
This led to talk around the table and it was generally agreed that, for one reason or another, all the husbands were going to end up in Hell.
So, then the housewives started speculating about themselves.
One woman said, “I try to be good – I’m sure I’ll make it to Heaven.”
Another one said, “No, I did this bad thing. I won’t make it unless I mend my ways and I better start soon.”
At this point, they noticed that one of the ladies (the only single blonde women in the group) wasn’t saying anything.
They turned to her and said, “You’re such a nice lady, surely you’ll be going to Heaven?”
She says “No way! In fact, first thing in the morning, I’m going to buy me a ticket straight to Hell!”
They were shocked and asked, “Why??”
“Well, you don’t expect me to live in a world without men, do you?”
06/27/2022 from Daily Jokes
#16134
There’s a couple that has been dating for a while.
As much as he wants to, she won’t sleep with him, because she’s saving her virginity for marriage.
Just as they were kissing, he was becoming hotter and hotter, and he said,
“Oh come on, just a feeling.”
To which she replies,
“No, I’m saving myself for marriage!”
They went back and forth.
He said, “Just one feel, I promise, that’s all, just one feel.”
She finally agreed, “Okay, just one feel, but that’s all, just one, I’m saving myself for marriage.”
So he puts his hand down her panties and takes a little feel.
Things are getting a lot warmer and he asks, “Can’t we please?”
She of course states, “NO, I’m saving myself for marriage.”
He says, “Please, please?” and she says,
“No, absolutely not, I’m saving myself for marriage.”
He says, “How about if I agree to only just put the tip in?”
She says, “No way, I’m saving myself for marriage.”
He begs and pleads with her, “I promise, just the tip, no more,and we’ll stop after that.”
She finally gives in, “Okay, but just the t!p, no more, and that’s all.”
He says okay and pulls down her panties and puts the tip in…
he’s so hot and ready that he can’t control himself shoves it the whole way in and starts going to town… she meanwhile is moaning and groaning and shouts,
“Okay, go ahead and put it the whole way in!!”
A little stunned, he says,
“No no…absolutely not, a deals a deal!”
06/26/2022 from Daily Jokes
#16130
After church, Johnny tells his parents he has to go and talk to the minister right away.
They agree, and the pastor greets the family.
“Pastor,” Johnny says,
“I heard you say today that our bodies came from the dust.”
“That’s right, Johnny, I did,” he says.
“And I heard you say that when we die, our bodies go back to dust.”
“Yes, I’m glad you were listening,” the pastor replies.
“Why do you ask?”
“Well you better come over to our house right away and look under my bed, ’cause there’s someone either comin’ or goin’!”
06/25/2022 from Daily Jokes
#16126
An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle.
She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs,
“I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!”.
The four men didn’t wait for a second threat.
They got out and ran like mad.
The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver’s seat.
She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition.
She tried and tried, and then she realized why.
It was for the same reason she had wondered why there was a football, a Frisbee and two 12-packs of beer in the front seat.
A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down.
She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her mistake.
The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn’t stop laughing.
He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a carjacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun.
No charges were filed.
The moral of the story?
If you’re going to have a senior moment… make it memorable.
06/24/2022 from Daily Jokes
#16123
A frog walks in a bank and ask for a loan.
So once upon a time, there was a frog. This frog wishes to vacation to the Bahamas, so he goes to the bank to take out a loan.
He walks up to the teller’s desk, noticing her name was Paddy Whack.
He asks her: “Um excuse me ma’am, I’d like to take out a loan” the teller looks up from her desk and says: Name please.”
“Kermit,” the frog said. “Kermit Jagger. My dad’s Mick Jagger.”
Paddy then asks “Do you have collateral?”
The frog then hands her a small porcelain platypus.
Paddy goes to her manager’s office and tells him about the frog and the loan, and his collateral.
The manager replies, it’s a knick-knack, Paddy Whack, give the frog a Loan! His old man’s a rolling stone!”