Daily Joke: Jokes Library

Brendan had spent a week visiting his family in Kentucky.

His sister-in-law and seven-year-old nephew went with him when he returned to the airport:

After verifying his seat number with the counter attendant,

Brendan walked back to his relatives and stated that he’d have to wait an additional three hours at the airport.

“How come?” His nephew asked.

My plane has been grounded,” Brendan explained.

“Grounded?”

The little boy said.

“I didn’t know planes had parents.”

There was once a man that owned a giant gorilla and, all its life, he’d never left it on its own.

But eventually he had to go on a business trip and had to leave his gorilla in the care of his next-door neighbour.

So he explained to his neighbour that all he had to do was feed his gorilla three bananas a day at three, six and nine o’clock.

But he was never ever, ever to touch its fur.

So the next day the man came and gave the gorilla a banana and looked at it for a while thinking,

“Why can’t I touch its fur?” as there didn’t seem to be anything wrong with it.

Every day he came in and looked for a little while longer as he still couldn’t understand until, about a week later, he’d worked himself into a frenzy and decided that he was going to touch the gorilla.

He passed it the banana and very gently brushed the back of his hand against its fur.

Suddenly the gorilla went ape and started to jump around, then it turned and began to run towards the man who, in turn, ran through the front door, over the lawn, across the street, into someone else’s sports car and drove off.

In the rear-view mirror, he could see the gorilla in his friend’s sports car, driving right behind him.

He drove for two hours until the engine began to splutter and the car just stopped.

He jumped out and began to run down the street, over a brick wall, into someone’s front garden and up the apple tree.

He turned around to find the gorilla right behind him beating its chest.

The man jumped down and ran back into the street screaming until it became dark and he thought he’d lost the gorilla.

The man ran into an alleyway then, suddenly, he saw a giant shadow coming down the street ahead.

The gorilla!

It came to the end of the alley, stood and looked straight into the bloodshot eyes of the man and came towards him slowly.

This time there was no escape.

As the gorilla neared him, the man began to feel faint.

The giant beast came face to face with him, raised its mighty hand and said,

“Tag! You’re it”!

Teacher: Kids, what does the chicken give you?

Kids: Meat!

Teacher: Very good! Now, what does the pig give you?

Kids: Bacon!

Teacher: Great! And what does the fat cow give you?

Kid: Homework!

Two rather old retired racehorses are in a bar getting totally drunk.

After about two hours the first racehorse says

“You know…. when I was a young racehorse…from one hundred starts, I won (hic) 90 races, got 5 seconds and 5 thirds…. I am without doubt the greatest racehorse that ever lived….blah blah blah…”

In response to this and approximately a half an hour later the second racehorse responded,

“Oh yeah…when I was a young racehorse…from one hundred starts, I won (hic) 95 races, got 2 seconds and 3 thirds…. I am the greatest racehorse that ever lived…. blah blah blah…”

Now it was about this time that the bartender (a greyhound) decided that they were drunk enough so he said,

“I am sick of you two telling one another how great you are, you are both drunk and I am throwing you out of the bar, but before I do I want to let you know that when I was a young greyhound, from one

hundred starts, I won 100 races, no seconds and no thirds.”

The two racehorses were shocked and for 5 minutes sat with their mouths open until the fist racehorse finally said,

“Isn’t that amazing (hic)…a talking greyhound!”

An Old Farmer Was Farming And Minding His Own Business.

“There has been a wild Forest Man seen in the forest. He has little beady red eyes, and hair all over. Be careful, he might be dangerous”

The old farmer shrugged and continued with his farm.

About an hour later, the farmer spotted a very hairy man, with little beady red eyes hiding behind a bush at the edge of the forest.

At first, the farmer was worried for his life but noticed how this forest man did not move, but just stared at the farmer.

The farmer thought maybe this forest man is not dangerous, maybe he could make friends with him.

The farmer cautiously approached the forest man (who was still hiding behind the bush), pointed at his farm and said “farm”, he points at himself and said “farmer” then pointed at his hoe and said “farming”.

The forest man did not move.

The old farmer got a little closer to him, and again, pointed at his farm and said “farm”, pointed at himself and said “farmer”, then pointed at his hoe and said “farming”.

The forest man remained behind his bush.

The old farmer, feeling bold, got even closer and repeated with his actions “farm”, “farmer”, “farming”.

This time the forest man got up and pointed at the forest behind him and said “forest”, he pointed at himself and said “forest man”, he pointed at the bush and said

“Taking a sh!t”.