07/08/2022 from Daily Jokes
#16174
A young boy is pulling his wagon up a hill when one of the back wheels falls off and rolls down the hill.
The young boy says: “I’ll be darned.”
A local pastor heard him and said:
You should not say that.
Next time your wheel falls off say:
‘Praise the Lord.’”
So the next day the young boy is pulling his wagon up the hill and the wheel falls off and rolls down the hill.
The young boy says:
“Praise the Lord.”
The wheel stops rolling, turns around, roIIs back up the hill and puts itself back on the wagon.
The young boy being very surprised by this exclaims:
“I’ll be darned!”
07/07/2022 from Daily Jokes
#16171
The elderly lady is in the Supermarket and starts throwing the frozen veggies on the floor,
so the Manager asks if he can help.
” I’m looking for Broccoli ” informed that they are out of stock she leaves.
Within an hour she’s back throwing the frozen veggies onto the floor,
The irate Manager asks again If he can help
” I’m looking for Broccoli “
Once again he informs her they are out of stock.
15 min before closing, she comes stalking straight to the Frozen veggies, as she is about to start throwing them out,
The very irritated Manager asks can I help
” I’m looking for Broccoli “
The Manager asks Madam can you spell Dog in Dogmore,
She says yes ” DOG”
“very good, can you spell Cat in Catsdelight”,
She says “CAT”
“very good, now can you spell F*CK in Broccoli”,
She says ” there’s no f*ck in Broccoli “
Madam, I’ve been trying to tell you that all day!!!
07/06/2022 from Daily Jokes
#16167
The salesman approaches the farmer and says,
“Good day to you sir! I’d like to tell you about our top-of-the-line tractor. You will not find a better tractor than this anywhere and I can see that you are a man of discerning tastes. Tell you what — “
Old Joe interrupts the sales pitch and without a word leads the man to the barn.
When they get there he says,
“You a good salesman? Let me tell you a story.”
” The other day I came out to milk old Bessie. I just got sat down behind her and she kicks me with her back left leg.”
“So I tied it to the stall. Then she kicks me with her back right leg. So I tied that to the stall, too. Then she swats me right in the face with her tail. So I tied a piece of twine to her tail and looped the other end
over the rafters.”
The salesman gives a puzzled nod, and the farmer continues.
“Then my wife walked into the barn and she sees me standing behind old Bessie. “
“Now, mister… if you can convince my wife I was only trying to MILK that cow I’ll buy one of your damn tractors.”
07/05/2022 from Daily Jokes
#16163
There was once a very prim and proper older lady who had a problem with passing gas.
Since she came from a generation where people didn’t even talk about this kind of problem it took a long time for her to seek help.
Finally, however, she was persuaded to consult her family doctor.
After she filled out all the proper forms and had waited about 20 minutes in the waiting room the doctor called her into his office, leaned back in his chair, folded his hands into a steeple and asked her how he
could help.
“Doctor,” she said,
“I have a very bad gas problem.”
“A gas problem?” replied the doctor.
“Yes. Yesterday afternoon I had lunch with the Secretary of State and his wife and had six, um, er, ah… silent gas emissions. Last night I had dinner with the governor and his wife and had four silent gas
emissions. Then, while sitting in your waiting room I had five silent gas emissions! Doctor, you’ve got to help me! What can we do?”
“Well,” said the doctor thoughtfully,
“I think the first thing we’re going to do is give you a hearing test.”
07/04/2022 from Daily Jokes
#16160
An ex-convict with a violent temper gets a job as a maintenance man in a zoo:
While repairing the fish tank a few fish bit his ankles.
He smashed them with his hammer in retaliation.
He quickly threw them to the lions so he wouldn’t get caught.
His next job was repairing the chimpanzee cage.
The chimps played hell with him until he turned on them with his hammer.
Again he threw the dead chimps to the lions.
His last job was making a new hive for the bees, but they stung him badly.
He smashed the bees into a pulp with his hammer and again threw them to the lions.
The next day a new lion arrived at the zoo.
He asked the other lions what the food was like.
One lion said.
“It’s getting better, yesterday we had fish, chimps and mushy bees!”