Daily Joke: Jokes Library

Ethel and Mabel, two elderly widows, were watching the folks go by from their park bench.

Ethel said,

“You know, Mabel, I’ve been reading this ‘S*x and Marriage’ book and all they talk about is ‘mutual org@sm’.

‘Mutual org@sm’ here and mutual org@sm’ there – that’s all they talk about.

Tell me, Mabel, when your husband was alive, did you two ever have a mutual org@sm?”.

Mabel thought for a long while.

Finally, she shook her head and said,

“No, I think we had State Farm.

A lady and her dog were enjoying a stroll in the park when her dog was mounted from behind by a large Rottweiler.

The Rot was really humping away and the lady was frantically trying to break them up, to no avail.

A small boy named Little Johnny walked up and stuck his finger in the Rot’s b*tt, and the action immediately stopped.

The lady was amazed.

“How did you do that?” she asked.

The little Johnny said, “

That’s my dog! He can dish it out, but he can’t take it!”

A young couple had neighbours who were senior citizens, the husband around 80 years old, and the wife about 5 years younger.

The young couple were very fond of the elderly couple and made it a point to visit them and have coffee with them every Sunday.

They observed that the old lady would bring the coffee bottle to her husband to be opened, every time.

The thoughtful young man gifted the lady a gadget, without her husband’s knowledge, to easily open the bottle, and showed her how to use it.

On their next visit, the old lady once again brought the bottle for her husband to open!

The young couple was amazed! Had she forgotten about the gadget?

When the opportunity arose to be alone with the old lady, they quizzed her about this.

Her reply made them speechless……

She said:

“Oh, I can open the bottle myself, even without your gadget! But I get him to open it so he feels he is still stronger than I am and thus the man of our home…….that he remains useful to me as always; that I still depend on him; that

togetherness is the main ingredient of any marriage….we don’t have many more years of life in us, and togetherness is of utmost importance!”

Moral: Never underestimate the wisdom of the elderly.

Our parents/grandparents may not be bringing in money any longer, but their guidance alone is priceless. You may have a fruitless tree in your garden, but at least it gives you shade……you will not cut it off, now, will you? Looking
after the elderly and sick should be looked upon as a blessing!

An old man was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight.

“This is exciting,” thought the old man.

“I’ve always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I’ll be able to see him in person.”

Imagine his surprise when the Pope sat down in the seat next to him for the flight.

Still, the man was too shy to speak to the Pontiff.

Shortly after take-off, the Pope began a crossword puzzle.

“This is fantastic,” thought the old man.

“I’m really good at crosswords. Perhaps, if the Pope gets stuck, he’ll ask me for assistance.”

Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the man and said,

“Excuse me, but do you know a four-letter word referring to a woman that ends with the letters ‘u-n-t?’”

Only one word leapt to mind.

“My goodness,” thought the old man, “I can’t tell the Pope that. There must be another word.”

The man thought for quite a while, then it hit him.

Turning to the pope, the gentleman said,

“I think the word you’re looking for is ‘aunt’”.

“Of course,” the Pope mused, not taking his gaze off the cross-word,

“You wouldn’t happen to have a rubber, would you?.”

Three turtles, Joe, Steve, and Poncho, decide to go on a picnic.

Joe packs the picnic basket with cookies, bottled sodas, and sandwiches.

The trouble is, the picnic site is 10 miles away, so the turtles take 10 whole days to get there.

By the time they do arrive, everyone’s whipped and hungry.

Joe takes the stuff out of the basket, one by one.

He takes out the sodas and realizes that they forgot to bring a bottle opener.

Joe & Steve beg Poncho to turn back home and retrieve it, but Poncho flatly refuses, knowing that they’ll eat everything by the time he gets back.

Somehow, after about two hours, the turtles manage to convince Poncho to go, swearing on their great-grand turtles’ graves that they won’t touch the food.

So, Poncho sets off down the road, slow and steady.

Twenty days pass, but no Poncho. Joe and Steve are hungry and puzzled, but a promise is a promise.

Another day passes, and still no Poncho, but a promise is a promise. After three more days pass without Poncho in sight, Steve starts getting restless.

“I NEED FOOD!” he says with a hint of dementia in his voice.

“NO!” Joe retorts. “We promised.”

Five more days pass.

Joe realizes that Poncho probably skipped out to the Burger King down the road, so the two turtles weakly lift the lid, get a sandwich, and open their mouths to eat.

But then, right at that instant, Poncho pops out behind a rock.

“Just for that, I’m not going.”