Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A man is in a bar and falling off his stool every couple of minutes.

He is obviously drunk.

So the bartender says to another man in the bar:

“Why don’t you be a good Samaritan and take him home.”

The man takes the drunk out the door and to his car and he stumbles at least ten times.

They drive along and the drunk points out his house to the man.

He stops the car and the drunk stumbles up the steps to his house with the man.

The drunk’s wife greets them at the door:

“Why thank you for bringing him home for me, but where’s his wheelchair?”

After their barn burned down,

Bob’s wife Sally called their insurance agent to file a claim and demand the amount the barn was insured for, $60,000.

“Hold on just a second there, that’s not the way it works. First, we’ll send out an adjuster to assess the damage, then we’ll provide you with a replacement barn, just like the original,” stated the agent.

After a lengthy pause, Sally replied,

“What! Well, if that’s the way it works, cancel the life insurance on my husband immediately.”

Little Johnny spends a rare weekend with his dad:

“Son, this is your weekend, have anything you want. Ask and ye shall receive.”

After a little thought, Johnny says.

“Dad, dad, dad, I want a donkey.”

The father wasn’t expecting this strange request, but he was a man of his word.

“Okay son, Ask and ye shall receive.”

The next day, they go to the local pets at home and buy a donkey.

When they get it home the Little Johnny chirps.

“Dad, can I call the donkey Wanker?”

“Don’t be so….” And then dad remembers the promise.

“Of course son. Wanker it is.”

Johnny then spends a fantastic day getting to know his new pet.

That evening, they tie the donkey up in the garden.

The next morning, Little Johnny wakes up early and looks out of the window, to his horror the donkey has broken free, jumped the fence and is nonchalantly munching grass half a mile away.

Johnny panics and runs into his dad’s bedroom.

“Dad, dad, dad. Wanker’s off over the field.”

“Look Johnny, I know I made a promise, but there are limits!”

One Saturday evening a teenage girl came downstairs for her date and she was wearing a see-through blouse and no bra.

Her grandmother, on seeing her dressed like that, threw a right old fit, telling her that she looked like a sl*t and not to dare to go out dressed like that!

The teenager told her grandmother:

“Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rosebuds show!”

And with that, out she went and slammed the door behind her.

The next day, the teenager came down the stairs and was shocked to find her grandmother sitting in the living room with no top on.

The teenager was so embarrassed that she wanted to die.

She explained to her grandmother that she had friends coming over and that the way she was dressed was just not appropriate.

Her grandmother said:

“Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets.!”

A husband and wife get up on Sunday morning.

After breakfast, the wife notices that her husband isn’t dressed for church.

“Why aren’t you dressed for church?”

“Simple. I’m not going.”

“Why not?”

“Well, I’ll give you three pretty good reasons why I’m not going.

First of all, the church is cold in the morning.

It’s just cold. Second, no one there likes me.

Everyone is always talking about me behind my back.

And third, most important of all, I just don’t feel like going!”

“Well, I’ll give you three pretty good reasons why you ARE going. First of all, the church isn’t cold in the morning; it’s warm. Second, I think, or I’m pretty sure, that there are some people there who do like you, and third you’re

the minister, so get dressed.”