Daily Joke: Jokes Library

Little Johnny was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his parents,

“How was I born?”

‘Well honey…’ said the slightly prudish parent,

“An Angel brought you to us.”

“Oh,” said the Little Johnny.

“Well, how did you and daddy get born?” he asked.

“Oh, the angel brought us too.”

“Well how were grandpa and grandma born?” he persisted.

“Well darling, the angel brought them too!” said the parent.

Several days later,

the Little Johnny handed in his paper to the teacher who read with confusion the opening sentence:

“This report has been very difficult to write because there hasn’t been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations.”

A Dog Is Lost In The Jungle And Gets Chased By A Lion.

Somehow a dog gets lost in an African jungle.

As he is finding his way a lion spots him.

The Lion thinks since the dog is so small he will be easy pray.

When the dog sees the lion he gets extremely scared and starts to run but he sees some bones and gets an idea.

As the lion approaches he says “Mmmm, that was some good lion.”

The Lion immediately realizes this dog is a lot tougher than he thought and runs off.

But there was a monkey in a tree watching the whole time.

The monkey decides if he tells the lion what had happened the lion might reward him. So he tells the lion and the lion tells him to get on his back so they can share the dog.

As the lion and monkey find the dog, the dog spots them as well.

The dog begins to run but has another idea,

“Where is that monkey? I told him to bring me another Lion hours ago!”

A cheating husband decided to write this letter to his wife:

“You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, as a 54-year-old, can no longer satisfy.

I’m very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. However, after reading this letter, I hope you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18-year-old secretary at the Comfort Inn.

Please don’t be upset, I shall be back before midnight.”

When the man came home late that night, he found a reply to his letter on the dining room table:

“My Dear Husband,

I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old.

I would like to inform you that, while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also an assistant tennis coach.

He is young, virile and, like your secretary, he is 18.

You, being a successful businessman with excellent knowledge of math, will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference — 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18!

Paddy is on “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire ” and he is doing rather well.

He is at the final question for a million pounds with Chris Tarrant (The UK host), he has only one lifeline left….phone a friend.

The question comes:
“Which bird does not make a nest?:

A) a Sparrow, B) a Swallow, C) a Blackbird or D) a Cuckoo

Paddy doesn’t know so he calls his friend Murphy.

Murphy answers ‘be jesus Paddy, it’s a cuckoo 100%.’ – Paddy wins the million pounds and is very happy.

Afterwards, Paddy rings Murphy and asks him ‘How the f*ck did you know that?

Murphy replies ‘

Well, Paddy yer thick git…it lives in a f*cking clock…’

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetie for her birthday.

As they had not been dating very long, it was a very difficult decision.

After careful consideration, he decided the perfect gift would be a pair of gloves.

Accompanied by his sister, he went to the store and bought the gloves.

His sister purchased a pair of panties at the same time.

The clerk carefully wrapped both items but in the process got them mixed up.

The sister was handed the gloves and the young man got the panties.

The young man mailed his birthday gift with the following note:

This special birthday gift was chosen because I noticed you are in the habit of not wearing any when we go out in the evenings.

If it had not been for my sister, I would have chosen the ones with buttons, but she prefers short ones that are much easier to remove.

These are a lovely shade, the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and they looked quite lovely.

I wish I was there to put them on you for the first time; no doubt, the other hands will come into contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.

When you take them off, remember to blow on them lightly before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.

Just think how many times I’ll be kissing them in the future. I hope you’ll wear them Friday night for me.

Love, Honey Bear
p.s. The sales lady says the latest style is to wear them folded down with just a little fur showing.