08/12/2022 from Daily Jokes
#16289
A husband in his backyard is trying to fly a kite.
He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds, then it comes crashing back down to earth.
He tries this a few more times with no success.
All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window, Muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.
She opens the window and yells to her husband,
‘You need a piece of tail.’
The man turns with a confused look on his face and says,
‘Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite.’
08/11/2022 from Daily Jokes
#16286
The husband comes home and is worried because he has a scratch on his chest caused by a fingernail from his mistress, opens the door sees the cat asleep on the couch and gives him a tremendous kick.
The cat “screams” a loud meow and runs out the door.
The wife comes into the living room and asks what happened and he angrily replied:
This cat seems crazy, I was walking in and, just like that, he jumped on me and scratched me in the chest.
Look at that hell of a scratch!
The woman replied:
You did very well, today this f*cker has bitten my a$s and gave me one hell of a hickey on my neck.
08/10/2022 from Daily Jokes
#16283
One day, a letter came with no address.
It was addressed to God. He decided he would open it to see what it said.
The letter read:
Dear God, I am an 80-year-old widow, and I earn a very small pension. My purse got stolen yesterday. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next payment. Christmas is coming soon, so my friends were supposed to come over for dinner. Without the money, I can’t buy any food, and I have no one to assist me. You are my only hope. Will you please help me?
Sincerely, Brenda
The postal worker, wanting to help out, showed the letter to all his co-workers.
Everyone handed over some cash from their wallet.
He ended up with $95 total, which was sent to the old lady.
A few days after Christmas, another letter came from the same woman to God.
All the workers gathered around to read the letter.
What the old lady wrote was:
Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Thanks to you, I managed to fix a lovely dinner for my friends. I told them all about your gift. By the way, there was $5 missing. It must have been those a$$hles at the post office!
Sincerely, Brenda
08/09/2022 from Daily Jokes
#16280
A rich old man dies and his three sons inherit his estate
One’s a doctor, one’s a lawyer, and one’s a priest.
His dying request to the three of them is that to show their gratitude for all the money he’s leaving them, he wants each to take out $10,000 and put it in his coffin.
The day of the funeral comes, and each of the sons dutifully puts a paper bag in the old man’s casket.
They meet up for a drink later.
The priest shamefacedly confesses:
“I couldn’t sleep a wink last night, thinking of all the good our church could do with $10,000. Finally, I decided to just put some wadded-up newspaper in there. Surely dad would understand!”
The doctor sighs in relief.
“I’m so glad you said that! I couldn’t stop thinking about the life-saving equipment our hospital could buy for $10,000, so I also just put some newspaper in the bag. He’ll never know the difference.”
The lawyer wipes his mouth and frowns.
“I’m ashamed of you both. Really, I can’t believe you guys! It was dad’s last request!”
“So, you actually put the money in?”
“Of course! My bag contained my personal check for $10,000!”
08/08/2022 from Daily Jokes
#16277
About a year ago, 100 dead crows were found on the side of a motorway.
Upon investigation, The crows were found to have been hit by vehicles and were covered in specs of varying paint.
After further investigation, it was also found that the paint on the crows had two different types, one from trucks and one from cars. 98% of the crows had been killed by trucks.
The researchers were baffled as to why such a large number of the crows had been killed by trucks.
After much deliberation, the researchers came to a conclusion.
When crows are feeding on roadkill, they will always have one crow on the lookout for any danger.
When they spot danger, they will shout
“CAH! CAH!”.
Unfortunately, crows can’t say
“Truck”.