08/17/2022 from Daily Jokes
#16307
A man is in the final stages of getting ready for his wedding…
Everything is going well except for one small matter his bride-to-be’s extremely hot younger sister.
One afternoon, a week before the big day, he finds himself alone with her in the house.
She slides up to him and suggests going upstairs – before he finally settles down to a life of wedded bliss.
The man begins to panic. Running through his options he charges out of the house – only there, in the front garden, to discover the rest of the girl’s family all waiting for him.
As soon as he emerges, they give him a big round of applause.
“Congratulations “, says the father-in-law,
“you’ve passed the test. You have proved yourself a man of honour and integrity, and I’m delighted to give you my daughter’s hand in marriage “.
The fiance can’t believe it and breathes a huge sigh of relief. His wife plants a big kiss on the cheek.
Moral of the story is? Always leave your condoms in the car.
08/16/2022 from Daily Jokes
#16303
A fifteen-year-old Amish boy and his father were in a mall.
They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, “What is this, Father?”
The father, never having seen an elevator, responded,
“Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don’t know what it is.”
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheelchair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
Finally, the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son,
“Son, go get your Mother.”
08/15/2022 from Daily Jokes
#16300
One day a man with an elephant walks into a movie theatre:
“I’m afraid I can’t let your elephant in here, sir.” The manager says.
“Oh, I assure you, he’s very well behaved.” The man says.
“All right then.” The manager says.
“If you’re sure.”
After the movie, the manager says to the man.
“I’m very surprised! Your elephant was well behaved, and he even seemed to enjoy the movie!”
“Yes, I was surprised, too.” Says the man.
“He hated the book.”
08/14/2022 from Daily Jokes
#16296
An old man calls Pizza hut to order a pizza…
CALLER: Is this Pizza Hut?
GOOGLE: No sir, it’s Google Pizza.
CALLER: I must have dialled a wrong number, sorry.
GOOGLE: No sir, Google bought Pizza Hut last month.
CALLER: OK. I would like to order a pizza.
GOOGLE: Do you want your usual, sir?
CALLER: My usual? Do you know me?
GOOGLE: According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three kinds of cheese, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meatballs on a thick crust.
CALLER: Super! That’s what I’ll have.
GOOGLE: May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten-free thin crust?
CALLER: What? I don’t want a vegetarian pizza!
GOOGLE: Your cholesterol is not good, sir.
CALLER: How do you know that?
GOOGLE: Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.
CALLER: Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetarian pizza! I already take medication for my cholesterol.
GOOGLE: Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly. According to our database, you purchased only a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once at Lloyds Pharmacy, 4 months ago.
CALLER: I bought more from another Pharmacy.
GOOGLE: That doesn’t show on your credit card statement.
CALLER: I paid in cash.
GOOGLE: But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.
CALLER: I have other sources of cash.
GOOGLE: That doesn’t show on your latest tax returns unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law!
CALLER: WHAT THE !!!
GOOGLE: I’m sorry sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.
CALLER: Enough already! I’m sick to the death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp and all the others. I’m going to an island without the internet, or TV, where there is no phone service and no one to watch me or
spy on me.
GOOGLE: I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first. It expired 6 weeks ago…
08/13/2022 from Daily Jokes
#16292
An old Fiat breaks down on a remote road.
The driver discovers he has no signal so he can’t call for help. He decides that the only thing for it is to start walking.
Just as he is heading off, a shiny new BMW stops next to him.
“Hello, are you having car trouble?”
The driver asks.
“I’m afraid so.”
The driver of the Fiat answers.
“Tell you what, my car is strong enough, I’ll tow you to the nearest garage!” Says the BMW driver.
The Fiat driver is overjoyed at this, and together they couple the little hatchback to the BMW using a rope.
As the BMW driver gets in, the Fiat driver asks him something.
“This is an old car, so please drive carefully.”.
The BMW driver nods his head.
“Just honk if I’m going too fast!”.
With that, he gets in and they drive away.
They drive for a while when suddenly a Porsche races by them.
The BMW driver doesn’t like this blow to his ego, so forgetting that he has a car in tow starts chasing the Porsche.
As they race down the road, they pass a farm.
The farmer looks at the spectacle and walks inside.
“What’s the matter with you? You look like you’ve seen a ghost,” his wife says.
The farmer replies:
“I just saw a BMW and Porsche racing, and an old Fiat honking to get past”