Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A wolf, a rabbit and a tortoise needed a drink.

They drew sticks and the tortoise came up short and had to go to the shop to get a bottle of Vodka.

An hour passed and the wolf and the rabbit got pretty pissed.

“This is too slow even for a slowpoke like him”, said the wolf.

“If I went, we would already be on our second bottle by now”, chimed in the rabbit.

The door opened and the tortoise poked his head in,

“If you guys criticize this much, I ain’t even going!”

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man.

The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why the dog is allowed on the plane.

The second man explained that he is a DEA agent and that the dog is a “sniffing dog”.

“His name is Sniffer and he’s the best there is. I’ll show you once we get airborne when I put him to work.”

The plane takes off, and once it has levelled out, the agent says:

“Watch this.” He tells Sniffer to “search”.

Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.

Sniffer then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the agent’s arm.

The agent says, “Good boy”, and he turns to the man and says:

“That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I’m making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.”

“Say, that’s pretty neat” replies the first man.

Once again, the agent sends Sniffer to search the aisles.

The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat, and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent’s arm.

The agent says, “That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I’m making a note of his seat number for the police.”

“I like it!” says his seatmate.

The agent then told Sniffer to “search” again.

Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to poop all over the seat.

The first man is really grossed out by this behaviour and can’t figure out how or why a well-trained dog would act like that, so he asks the agent,

“What’s going on?”

The agent nervously replied,

“He just found a bomb!”

Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary.

Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces,

“Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. “

“Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!”

Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.

An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks,

“Esther, did we pay our $5,000 PBS pledge check yet?”

“No, sweetheart,” she responds.

Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks,

“Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?”

“Oh, no! I’m sorry. I forgot to send the check,” she says.

“One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send checks for the Visa and MasterCard this month?” he asks.

“Oh, forgive me, Abie,” begged Esther.

“I didn’t send that one, either.”

Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years.

Esther pulls away and asks him,

“What was that for?”

Abe answers,

“They’ll find us!”

This little kid is walking up the street with his Daddy.

They see two dogs going at it.

The little kid says “Hey daddy what are those doggies doing?”

The father says “Ahh, they’re making a puppy.”

That night the little kid walks in on his mother & father and daddies on top driving it home to mama!

The little kid says “Hey daddy what were you doing with Mommy?”

He says “Oh, we’re making it a baby.”

The kid says, “Turn her over, I want a puppy!”

An Irishman was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the dark shadows.

‘Twenty pounds,’ she whispers.

Paddy had never been with a hooker before but decides what the hell, it’s only twenty pounds.

So they hid in the bushes.

They’re going ‘at it’ for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them.

It is a Police Officer.

Allo, Allo, Allo, What’s going on ‘ere, people? asks the cop.

‘Ta be shure, Oi’m making love to me missus,’ Paddy answers, sounding annoyed.

‘Oh, I’m sorry,’ says the cop,

‘I didn’t know.’

‘Well, neidder did I, til ya shined that bloody light in her face!’