Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A woman went to a lawyer to discuss divorcing her husband.

“Don’t you love him anymore,” asked the lawyer?

“Oh, I still love him,” the woman replied.

“But, all he ever wants is s**, I can’t take it.”

“Instead of divorcing him why don’t you try charging him every time he wants to make love?” the lawyer suggested.

The exhausted wife decided to give the plan a try.

As soon as she walked into the house that night her husband started in on her.

“Not so fast,” she replied.

“From now on it’ll be $10 in the kitchen, $20 in the living room and $50 in the bedroom.”

“Well, then,” he said.

“Here’s $50.”

The wife began walking to the bedroom.

“Hold on,” he said, grabbing her hand.

“That’ll be five times in the kitchen!”

An old man turned 115 and was being interviewed by a reporter for the local paper.

During the interview, the reporter noticed that the yard was full of children of all ages playing together.

A very pretty girl of about 19 served the old man and the reporter, keeping them in fresh tea and running errands for them.

“Are these your grandkids?” the reporter asked.

“Naw, sir, they all be my younguns,” the old man replied with a sly grin.

“Your kids?” said the reporter.

“What about this beautiful young lady who keeps bringing us tea? Is she one of your children too?”

“Naw, sir,” said the old man. “She be my wife.”

“Your wife?” said the surprised reporter. “But she can’t be more than 19 years old.”

“Thass right,” said the old man with pride.

“Well, surely you can’t have a s*x life with you being 115 and she being only 19,” the reporter remarked.

“Naw, sir, ” said the old man. “We have s*x every night. Every night two of my boys helps me on it, and every morning six of my boys helps me off.”

“Wait just one minute,” said the newspaperman. “Why does it only take two of your boys to put you on, but it takes six of them to take you off?”

“Cause,” the spry old man said with a balled fist, “I fights ’em.”

A woman walked into the kitchen and found her husband walking around with a fly swatter.

“What are you doing?” the woman asked.

“Hunting mosquitoes” He responded.

“Oh, catching any?” She asked.

“Yep, two males, two females” said the husband.

Intrigued with this information the woman asked:

“How can you tell?”

Her husband quickly responded:

“Two were on a beer can, two were on the phone.”

The butcher asks, “What do you want?”

The dog points to steak in a glass case.

“How many pounds?” The dog barks twice.

“Anything else?” The dog points to some pork chops and barks four times.

So the butcher wraps up a two-pound steak and four pork chops, and places the bag in the dog’s mouth.

He then takes money from a purse tied around the dog’s neck, and sees him out.

A customer, who has been watching in amazement, follows the dog to a house several blocks away, where it rings the doorbell to be let in.

As the owner appears at the door, the customer says, “What a remarkable dog!”

“Remarkable?” snorts the owner.

“This is the second time this week he’s forgotten his keys.”

An old man goes to his doctor, complaining about a pain in his leg that doesn’t heal and wants a diagnosis and explanation.

The doctor checks out his leg, but can’t find anything wrong. So he gives the old guy a full physical exam, and still can’t come up with any possible explanation for the pain.

The doctor hands the patient his bill and says, “I’m sorry but the pain in your leg is simply caused by old age, there’s nothing I can do about it.”

The old man replies with a look of disbelief, “That’s impossible! That can’t be!” The Doctor says,

“What do you mean? I’m the expert here; if you know so much, how can you say it’s NOT old age?”

The patient answers, “I’m no doctor but it doesn’t take a medical degree to tell that your diagnosis is wrong.

Clearly you’re mistaken. After all my other leg feels just fine.”

“So what?” says the doctor “What difference does that make?”

“Well it doesn’t hurt a bit, and it’s the SAME AGE!”