Daily Joke: Jokes Library

An Amish woman was driving her buggy to town when a highway patrol officer stopped her.

“I’m not going to cite you,” said the officer. “

I just wanted to warn you that the reflector on the back of your buggy is broken, and it could be dangerous.”

I thank thee,” replied the lady.

“I shall have my husband repair it as soon as I return home.”

“Also,” said the officer, “I noticed one of your reins to your horse is wrapped around his testicles. Some people might consider this cruelty to animals, so you should have your husband check that too.”

“Again I thank thee. I shall have my husband check both when I get home.”

True to her word, when the Amish lady got home, she told her husband about the broken reflector, and he said he would put a new one on immediately. “Also,” said the woman, “The policeman said there was something wrong with the emergency brake.”

Nosferatu the Vampire wants a bat to be his companion.

He decides to hold a competition to choose the best bat for the job. He tells the bats: “Whoever gets the most blood on their face and comes back to me gets to be my companion.”

So Nosferatu brings the four bats auditioning for the job to the top of his castle and tells the first bat to fly out and come back with blood on his face.

The first bat comes back with some blood on his face.

Nosferatu says: “Good job. How did you do it?”

The first bat replies: “See that school over there? I sucked the blood out of the children.”

Nosferatu is pleased and sends out the second bat.

The second bat comes back with a lot blood on his face.

Nosferatu says: “Good job. How did you do it?”

The second bat replies: “See that village over there? I sucked the blood out of the working men.”

Nosferatu is pleased and sends out the third bat.

The third bat comes back with a ton on his face.

Nosferatu says: “Good job. How did you do it?”

The third bat replies: “See that church over there? I sucked the blood out of the nuns.” Nosferatu is pleased and sends out the fourth and final bat.

The forth bat comes back and his entire face is covered in blood. Nosferatu, astounded, says: “Oh my lord!

Fantastic job! How on earth did you do it?”

The fourth bat says, “See that tower over there?”

Nosferatu says: “well, no I don’t”.

The fourth bat replies: “Neither did I”.

Three women friends, one in a casual relationship, one engaged to be married and one a long-time wife, met for drinks after work.

The conversation eventually drifted towards how best to spice up their love lives. After much discussion, they decided to surprise their men by engaging in some S&M role playing.

The following week they met up again to compare notes.

Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, ‘Last Friday at the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend’s office wearing a leather coat.

When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels.

He was so aroused that we made mad passionate love on his desk right then and there!’

The engaged woman giggled and said, ‘That’s pretty much my story! When my fiancé got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps.

He was so turned on that we not only had s*x all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!’

The married woman put her glass down and said, ‘I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma’s.

I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos.

I finished it off with a black mask. When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled, – ‘Hey Batman what’s for dinner?

An elderly man Daniel fancied himself quite a ladies man,

So when his cruise ship went down in a storm and he found himself stranded on a desert island with six women,he couldn’t believe his good fortune.

They quickly agreed that each woman would have one night a week with the only man.

Daniel threw himself into the arrangement with gusto, working even on his day off, but as the weeks stretched into months, he found himself looking forward to that day of rest more and more eagerly.

One afternoon he was sitting on the beach and wishing for some more men to share his duties when he caught sight of a man waving from a life raft that was bobbing on the waves.

Daniel swam out, pulled the raft to shore, and did a little jig of happiness.

“You can’t believe how happy I am to see you,” he cried.

The new fellow eyed him up and down and cooed,

“You’re a sight for sore eyes, too, you gorgeous thing!”

“Crap,” sighed Daniel, “there go my Sundays.”

A boss says to his secretary

“we are travelling abroad for the week so make arrangements” .

The secretary makes call to her husband

“my boss and i will be travelling abroad for some reasons”.

The secretary husband makes call to her secret lover

“my wife is travelling for the weekend so come to my house so that we can be together”.

The secret lover makes call to the child she’s teaching lesson

“i will not be at home this week so don’t come for lesson” .

The child makes call to his grandpa

“grandpa, my lesson teacher is not arround so i’ll use the weekend with you”

Then grandpa makes call to his secretary

“my grandson is coming to use his weekend with me so we are not travelling again” .

The secretary makes call to her husband

” my boss said his grandson is coming to use weekend with him, so our trip is cancelled.”

The husband makes a call to secret lover,

“We cannot spend the week together, my wife has cancelled her trip.”

The secret lover makes a call to little boy,

“We will still have classes as usual this week.”

The little boy makes a call to his grandfather,

“Grandpa! I’m sorry we won’t be able to spend the week together. My teacher called and said that I have to attend classes.”

The grandpa makes a call to his secretary,

“Change of plans! My grandson is no more coming. So we are still travelling this week. Make arrangements.”