Daily Joke: Jokes Library

The young couple invited their aged pastor for Sunday dinner.

While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having.

“Goat,” the little boy replied.

“Goat?” replied the startled pastor.

“Are you sure about that?”

“Yes,” said the boy.

“On the drive back from church I heard Mom say to Dad, ‘Remember, we’re having the old goat for dinner tonight.’

One day a farmer decided that he wanted to expand his chicken farm.

In order to do this, he needed a stud rooster.

He asked around his fellow farmers and the general consensus was that the best rooster was from a faraway town.

His name was Randy.

The farmer went to this far away town and met with Randy’s owner.

The owner confirmed that Randy was indeed the best, but would come at an expensive price.

After much deliberation, the farmer decided to invest in Randy.

When the farmer got home, he sat down with Randy and explained what he needed and told him that while he expected Randy to perform, he also expected Randy to pace himself.

The farmer released Randy in the hen house and Randy went wild.

Feathers were flying and Randy was servicing every hen in the house.

The farmer reiterated to Randy the necessity of pace.

The next day, Randy not only went flying through the hen house but also went after the dog, the cat, the sheep, a fox and several other accessible animals.

The farmer was outraged.

“Randy,” he said,

“You can’t possibly last at this pace.”

“Slow down, I need you for a long time.”

Well, the next day, the inevitable happened.

Randy was lying in the field looking like death was soon coming. Buzzards were circling around and slowly getting closer.

The farmer watched his dying investment and then went up to Randy and said

“How could you? I asked you to pace yourself and now you’re a spent force.”

Slowly, Randy opened one eye and pointed to the sky saying

“Shh… they’re getting closer.”

The police dispatch picks up the phone and writes down the call for help:

“Please send someone urgent, a cat has broken in!”

The police dispatcher responded,

“Sir, I don’t think I heard you correctly. A cat at your home?”

“A cat! He has invaded my house and is walking towards me!”

Again the police dispatch tried to correct him

“But how so? You mean a thief?”

“NO! I’m talking about a fre@king cat, the one that does ‘meow, meow’, and it’s coming my way!…. You have to come now!”

“So what about this cat coming toward you?” the officer replies trying to grasp the situation

“He’s going to kill me, now he’s going mental! And you will be the reason I die”

“Who is talking?” the officer asks

The parrot, you jac**ss!

Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring yet another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.

First Bull:

“Boys, we all know I’ve been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don’t know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows but I ain’t givin’ him any of mine.”

Second Bull:

“That pretty much says it for me, too. I’ve been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we’ve agreed are mine.= I’ll fight ‘im till I run him off or kill ‘im, but I’M KEEPIN’ ALL MY COWS.”

Third Bull: “I’ve only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to “take care of”. I may not be as big as you fellows (yet) but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows.”

They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest Son-of-Another- Bull these guys had ever seen! At 4700 pounds, each step he took

toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.

First Bull: “Ahem…You know, it’s actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cow’s justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend.”

Second Bull: “I’ll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I’m certainly not looking for an argument.”

They look over at their young friend, the 3rd bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting.

First Bull: “Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it.”

Third Bull: “Hell, he can have ALL my cows. I’m just making sure he knows i’m a bull!

A man is at work on the day of his marriage anniversary…

However, on the same day, his incredibly hot secretary confesses her feelings and offers to have s** with him.

Because he had been stressed over work, the man takes her up on her offer, and the two make love in a nearby hotel room.

They went at it so hard to the point that neither realized it was getting dark already.

“Shit!”, the man said,

“It’s my anniversary and my wife is going to kill me if i get home really late! Worse if she even finds out!”

And so the man hurried back home, leaving his secretary at the hotel room.

On his way home, he takes off his shoes and runs them through a couple of shrubs and some grass.

He gets home, and his wife was waiting at the door for him, furious like never before.

“Now, honey, I know you’re mad that i got home late, but the reason this happened was because i was having sex with my hot secretary from work all day long. I promise,” the man explained.

Seeing his shoes covered in dirt and grass, the wife yelled,

“YOU LYING BASTARD! YOU’VE BEEN PLAYING GOLF HAVEN’T YOU?!”