Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A rat swallowed a diamond and the owner of the diamond contracted a man to kill the rat.

When the rat hunter arrived to kill the rat there were more than a thousand rats bunched up altogether and one sitting by itself away from the pack.

He spotted and killed the one sitting by itself and to the owner’s surprise, that was the exact one that had swallowed the diamond !!!

The amazed diamond owner asked,

“How did you know it was that rat?”

He responded:

“Very easy……. When idiots get rich, they don’t mix with others!!!”

Two men met at a bus stop and struck up a conversation.

One of them kept complaining of family problems.

Finally, the other man said,

“You think you have family problems? Listen to my situation.

A few years ago, I met a young widow with a grown-up daughter, and we got married.

Later my father married my stepdaughter.

That made my stepdaughter my stepmother and my father became my stepson.

Also, my wife became the mother-in-law of her father-in-law.

“Then the daughter of my wife, my stepmother, had a son. This boy was my half-brother because he was my father’s son, but he was also the son of my wife’s daughter, which made him my wife’s grandson. That made me the grandfather of my half-brother.”

This was nothing until my wife and I had a son.

Now the half-sister of my son, my stepmother, is also the grandmother. This makes my father the brother-in-law of my child, whose stepsister is my father’s wife. I’m my stepmother’s brother-in-law, my wife is her own child’s aunt, my son is my father’s nephew and I’m my own grandfather!

“And you think you have family problems!”

Little Johnny, aged 7, came home from school one day and asked his dad:

“Daddy, where do I come from?”

His poor father started sweating, knowing that one day his son would want to know all about ‘it’.

He looked around for his wife to take on the explanation, but she was out at the shops.

It was no good, his father thought.

‘It’s time he knew’ and took the young lad to one side and explained how mummy and daddy met and then married and wanted to produce a baby and, well, you know the rest.

After much awkwardness and embarrassment, after nearly an hour, the dad finally reached the point in the story where his son was born in hospital.

The young boy’s face just stared back, mouth open and speechless.

“So, tell me son, why do you ask?”

The boy, still in shock, said.

“Billy Clark in our class, said he was from Brisbane!”

Brendan had spent a week visiting his family in Kentucky.

His sister-in-law and seven-year-old nephew went with him when he returned to the airport:

After verifying his seat number with the counter attendant,

Brendan walked back to his relatives and stated that he’d have to wait an additional three hours at the airport.

“How come?” His nephew asked.

My plane has been grounded,” Brendan explained.

“Grounded?”

The little boy said.

“I didn’t know planes had parents.”

There was once a man that owned a giant gorilla and, all its life, he’d never left it on its own.

But eventually he had to go on a business trip and had to leave his gorilla in the care of his next-door neighbour.

So he explained to his neighbour that all he had to do was feed his gorilla three bananas a day at three, six and nine o’clock.

But he was never ever, ever to touch its fur.

So the next day the man came and gave the gorilla a banana and looked at it for a while thinking,

“Why can’t I touch its fur?” as there didn’t seem to be anything wrong with it.

Every day he came in and looked for a little while longer as he still couldn’t understand until, about a week later, he’d worked himself into a frenzy and decided that he was going to touch the gorilla.

He passed it the banana and very gently brushed the back of his hand against its fur.

Suddenly the gorilla went ape and started to jump around, then it turned and began to run towards the man who, in turn, ran through the front door, over the lawn, across the street, into someone else’s sports car and drove off.

In the rear-view mirror, he could see the gorilla in his friend’s sports car, driving right behind him.

He drove for two hours until the engine began to splutter and the car just stopped.

He jumped out and began to run down the street, over a brick wall, into someone’s front garden and up the apple tree.

He turned around to find the gorilla right behind him beating its chest.

The man jumped down and ran back into the street screaming until it became dark and he thought he’d lost the gorilla.

The man ran into an alleyway then, suddenly, he saw a giant shadow coming down the street ahead.

The gorilla!

It came to the end of the alley, stood and looked straight into the bloodshot eyes of the man and came towards him slowly.

This time there was no escape.

As the gorilla neared him, the man began to feel faint.

The giant beast came face to face with him, raised its mighty hand and said,

“Tag! You’re it”!