Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A mother is driving her little girl to her friend’s house for a play date.

Mummy, the little girl asks, ‘how old are you?‘

‘Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age’, the mother replied. ‘It’s not polite’.

‘OK’, the little girl says,

‘What colour was your hair 2 years ago’?

‘Now really’, the mother says, ‘those are personal questions and are really none of your business’.

Undaunted, the little girl asks, ‘Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?‘

‘That’s enough questions, young lady! Honestly’

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

‘My Mum won’t tell me anything about her,‘ the little girl says to her friend.

‘Well,‘ says the friend, all you need to do is look at her driver’s license.

‘It’s like a report card, it has everything on it.’

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, ‘I know how old you are. You are 32.‘

The mother is surprised and asks, ‘How did you find that out?‘

‘I also know that you used to have brown hair.‘

The mother is past surprised and shocked now.

‘How in Heaven’s name did you find that out?‘

‘And,‘ the little girl says triumphantly, ‘I know why you and daddy got a divorce.‘

‘Oh really’?‘ the mother asks. ‘Why’?

‘Because on your driving license it says you got an F in sex.‘

Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me again asking why I didn’t do something useful with my time.

Like sitting around the pool and drinking wine is not a good thing, I said.

Talking about my “doing something useful” seems to be her favorite topic of conversation.

She was “only thinking of me” and suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys.

I did this and when I got home last night, I decided to teach her a lesson about staying out of my business.

I e-mailed her and told her that I had joined a parachute club.

She replied, “Are you nuts? you are 73 years old, and now you’re going to start jumping out of airplanes?”

I told her that I even got a membership card and e-mailed a copy to her.

She immediately telephoned me, “Good grief, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club.”

Oh man, I’m in trouble again; I really don’t know what to do… I signed up for five jumps a week.”

The line went quiet and her friend picked up the phone and said that my daughter had fainted.

Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier but sometimes it can be fun.

Two old blokes, one 80 and one 87 were sitting on a park bench one morning.

The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn’t even short of breath.

The 80-year-old was amazed at the guy’s stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87-year-old said, “Well I eat rye bread every day.

“It keeps your energy level high and you’ll have great stamina with the ladies”.

So, on the way home the 80-year-old stopped at the bakery. As he was looking around the sales lady asked if he needed any help.

He said, “Do you have any rye bread?”

She said “Yes, there’s a whole shelf of it. Would you like some”?

He said, “I want five loaves.”

She said, “My goodness, five loaves! By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it’ll be hard.”

He replied, “I can’t believe everybody knows about this stuff but me”.

A female secretary was helping her new boss set up his computer and asked him what word he would like to use as a password to log in with.

Wanting to embarrass his new secretary a bit and let her know where they stood, he smugly told her to enter ‘pen!s.’

Without blinking or saying a word, she entered the password.

She then almost died laughing at the computer’s response:

PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH!

As he is about to go, he notices that his horse is missing.

He shouts, asking for his horse, but nobody seems to know where it is.

“If I don’t find my horse, I will do exactly what I did when I lost my first horse!”

Suddenly, the horse appears.

Out of curiosity, a man goes up to him and asks,

“What did you do when you lost your first horse?” He replies,

“I walked.”