11/07/2022 from Daily Jokes
#16588
After going through the line at a crowded mall cafeteria,
The three rambunctious teenage boys found they were forced to share a table with a kindly looking old lady.
One of the lads decided to have a bit of fun at the woman’s expense and, nudging one of his buddies under the table, suddenly remarked,
“Did your folks ever get married?”
“Nope,” replied his tablemate, picking up the put on.
“How about you?”
“They never bothered,” answered the first young man.
“That’s nothing,” interrupted the third,
“my mother doesn’t even know who my father is.”
The elderly woman looked up from her coffee and said sweetly.
“Excuse me, but would one of you little b@stards please pass the sugar?”
11/06/2022 from Daily Jokes
#16585
On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence.
One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.
“One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me,” said one boy.
Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle.
As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate.
Sure enough, he heard,
“One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me ….”
He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off.
Just around the bend, he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
“Come here quick,” said the boy,
“you won’t believe what I heard! The Devil and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!”
The man said,
“Beat it, kid, can’t you see it’s hard for me to walk.” When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.
Standing by the fence they heard,
“One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.”
The old man whispered,
“Boy, you’ve been tellin’ me the truth. Let’s see if we can see the Lord…?”
Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything.
The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.
At last, they heard,
“One for you, one for me. That’s all. Now let’s go get those nuts by the fence and we’ll be done.”
The old man beat the boy to the gate.
11/05/2022 from Daily Jokes
#16583
An elderly pianist was hired to play background music for a movie.
When it was completed he asked when and where he could see the picture.
The producer sheepishly confessed that it was actually a porn film and it was due out in a month.
A month later, the musician went to a porn theater to see the adult movie.
With his collar up and dark glasses on, he took a seat in the back row of the adult cinema, next to a couple who also seemed to be in disguise.
The movie was even raunchier than he had feared, featuring group sex, S/M, bondage and even a dog.
After a while watching the adult movie, the embarrassed pianist turned to the couple and said, “I’m only here to listen to the music.”
“Yeah?” replied the man. “We’re only here to see our dog.”
11/04/2022 from Daily Jokes
#16580
A gorilla was walking through the jungle when he came across a deer eating grass in a clearing.
The gorilla roared, “Who is the king of the jungle?”
And the deer replied, “Oh, you are, Master.”
The gorilla walked off pleased.
Soon he came across a zebra drinking at a water hole.
The gorilla roared, “Who is the king of the jungle?” T
he zebra replied, “Oh, you are, Master.”
The gorilla walked off pleased.
Then he came across an elephant.
“Who is the king of the jungle?” he roared.
With that, the elephant threw the gorilla across a tree and jumped on him.
The gorilla scraped himself up off the ground and said,
“Okay, okay, there’s no need to get mad just because you don’t know the answer.”
11/03/2022 from Daily Jokes
#16577
A woman went shopping.
At the cash counter, she opened her purse to pay.
The cashier noticed a TV remote in her purse:
He could not control his curiosity and ask.
“Do you always carry your TV remote with you?”
She replied. “No, not always, but my husband refused to accompany me shopping today because of football match, so I took the remote.
* Moral: Accompany and support your wife in her hobbies…..*
The story continues…
The cashier laughed and then returned all the items that the lady had purchased.
Shocked at this act. She asked the cashier what he was doing.
He said. “Your husband has blocked your credit card.”
*MORAL: Always respect the hobbies of your husband.*
Story continues….
Wife took out her husband’s credit card from purse and swiped it. Unfortunately, he didn’t block his own card.
*Moral: Don’t underestimate the power and wisdom of your WIFE..*
Story continues….
After swiping, the machine indicated, ‘ENTER THE PIN SENT TO YOUR MOBILE PHONE’.
*Moral: When a man tends to lose, the machine is smart enough to save him!*
Story continues….
She smiled to herself and reached out for the mobile which rang in her purse. It was her husband’s phone showing the forwarded SMS. She had taken it with the remote control so he doesn’t call her during her shopping. She bought her items and returned home happily.
*Moral: Don’t underestimate a desperate woman!*
Story continues….
On getting home, his car was gone. A note was lying on the table.
“Couldn’t find the remote. Gone out with the boys to watch the premiership match. Will be home late. Call me on my phone if you need something”.
*Moral: Don’t try to control your spouse. You will always lose!*