09/11/2022 from Daily Jokes
#16389
Little Johnny spends a rare weekend with his dad:
“Son, this is your weekend, have anything you want. Ask and ye shall receive.”
After a little thought, Johnny says.
“Dad, dad, dad, I want a donkey.”
The father wasn’t expecting this strange request, but he was a man of his word.
“Okay son, Ask and ye shall receive.”
The next day, they go to the local pets at home and buy a donkey.
When they get it home the Little Johnny chirps.
“Dad, can I call the donkey Wanker?”
“Don’t be so….” And then dad remembers the promise.
“Of course son. Wanker it is.”
Johnny then spends a fantastic day getting to know his new pet.
That evening, they tie the donkey up in the garden.
The next morning, Little Johnny wakes up early and looks out of the window, to his horror the donkey has broken free, jumped the fence and is nonchalantly munching grass half a mile away.
Johnny panics and runs into his dad’s bedroom.
“Dad, dad, dad. Wanker’s off over the field.”
“Look Johnny, I know I made a promise, but there are limits!”
09/10/2022 from Daily Jokes
#16386
One Saturday evening a teenage girl came downstairs for her date and she was wearing a see-through blouse and no bra.
Her grandmother, on seeing her dressed like that, threw a right old fit, telling her that she looked like a sl*t and not to dare to go out dressed like that!
The teenager told her grandmother:
“Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rosebuds show!”
And with that, out she went and slammed the door behind her.
The next day, the teenager came down the stairs and was shocked to find her grandmother sitting in the living room with no top on.
The teenager was so embarrassed that she wanted to die.
She explained to her grandmother that she had friends coming over and that the way she was dressed was just not appropriate.
Her grandmother said:
“Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets.!”
09/09/2022 from Daily Jokes
#16384
A husband and wife get up on Sunday morning.
After breakfast, the wife notices that her husband isn’t dressed for church.
“Why aren’t you dressed for church?”
“Simple. I’m not going.”
“Why not?”
“Well, I’ll give you three pretty good reasons why I’m not going.
First of all, the church is cold in the morning.
It’s just cold. Second, no one there likes me.
Everyone is always talking about me behind my back.
And third, most important of all, I just don’t feel like going!”
“Well, I’ll give you three pretty good reasons why you ARE going. First of all, the church isn’t cold in the morning; it’s warm. Second, I think, or I’m pretty sure, that there are some people there who do like you, and third you’re
the minister, so get dressed.”
09/08/2022 from Daily Jokes
#16381
Grandpa and Little Johnny are sitting on a bench in the park.
Johnny asked,
“Grandpa, are you going to take that new Viagra?”
Grandpa looks at him and says
“No Johnny, I will not.”
“But Grandpa, why?” asks little Johnny.
Grandpa replies.
“Because there is no sense in putting lead in your pencil if you have no one worth writing to.”
09/07/2022 from Daily Jokes
#16378
The first says
“Watch this.”
Leaves, and is back in an instant, mouth covered in blood.
He points at a villager and says:
“You see that villager? Sucked him dry.”
The second, impressed, but not willing to be outdone, leaves and returns just as fast as the first, blood covering her mouth, neck and cheeks.
She points and says
“You see that town? Bone dry, no survivors.”
The third shrugs and says:
“That’s nothing, watch this.”
He’s barely gone a fraction of a second before he’s back with a face completely covered in blood.
The first vampire asks:
“What did you do?”
The third vampire replied:
“You see that pole?”
“Yeah?”
“I didn’t”