09/16/2022 from Daily Jokes
#16408
A husband suspected his wife was cheating on him.
He explained his situation to a pet shop owner who replied,
“I have a parrot that will let you know daily what goes on in your house. The bird has no legs, so he holds onto his perch with his p3n!s.”
Reluctantly, the husband brought the bird home.
At the end of the first day, the man asked the bird,
“Did anything happen today?”
The parrot said,
“Yes, the milkman came over.”
The man asked, “What did he do with my wife?”
The bird said,
“I don’t know; I got hard and fell.”
09/15/2022 from Daily Jokes
#16403
A couple bought themselves a squirrel pet.
One night they went out for dinner and locked the squirrel in the closet.
Later that night a thief broke into their house.
The thief was in the process of stealing the couple’s valuables when he heard the couple’s car arriving home.
The thief then immediately hid in the closet.
The owners came into the house and went straight to bed.
But in the middle of the night, they were awoken by a scream.
The husband opened the closet to see the thief squirming on the floor.
The husband immediately bound the thief tightly with some rope and asked what made him holler so loud……
The thief replied in pain,
“When your F*cking squirrel took my a$s for a hollow in a tree -I held out then it took my b@lls for nuts I gritted my teeth, but when it decided to carry the nuts into the hollow I cracked up.”
09/14/2022 from Daily Jokes
#16399
A rabbit opens a public musical toilet in the forest.
The animals are all queuing to try it. First comes the fox.
“What kind of music would you like?”, the little rabbit asks.
“Definitely heavy metal”, the fox answers.
“2 dollars”, says the rabbit and he presses some buttons on the machine.
The fox hands over the money, enters the toilet, and comes out totally relieved and refreshed in a few minutes.
Next, the wolf comes up.
“What kind of music would you like?”
“Ooh, some eerie jazz, please.”
“2 bucks.”
Wolf enters the toilet, rabbit presses the buttons, wolf comes out grinning.
“This is awesome, thanks!”
Next, the bear is running up to the little rabbit and hastily throws 2 dollars on the table.
“C’mon, let me in, I really have to go!”
“What kind of music would you like?”
“Anything, whatever, just hurry up!”
The little rabbit shrugs and presses the buttons as the bear enters the room.
In two minutes, the bear comes out, he is dripping wet and very grumpy.
“Did you really,” he turns angrily to the little rabbit,
“really have to choose the national anthem?”
09/13/2022 from Daily Jokes
#16396
A man is in a bar and falling off his stool every couple of minutes.
He is obviously drunk.
So the bartender says to another man in the bar:
“Why don’t you be a good Samaritan and take him home.”
The man takes the drunk out the door and to his car and he stumbles at least ten times.
They drive along and the drunk points out his house to the man.
He stops the car and the drunk stumbles up the steps to his house with the man.
The drunk’s wife greets them at the door:
“Why thank you for bringing him home for me, but where’s his wheelchair?”
09/12/2022 from Daily Jokes
#16392
After their barn burned down,
Bob’s wife Sally called their insurance agent to file a claim and demand the amount the barn was insured for, $60,000.
“Hold on just a second there, that’s not the way it works. First, we’ll send out an adjuster to assess the damage, then we’ll provide you with a replacement barn, just like the original,” stated the agent.
After a lengthy pause, Sally replied,
“What! Well, if that’s the way it works, cancel the life insurance on my husband immediately.”