Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A dad walks into a market with his young son. The boy is holding a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face.

The dad realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, but serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds her newspaper and places it on the counter.

Then she gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurriedly, across the market.

Reaching the boy, the woman pulls the boy’s pants down, carefully takes hold of his testicles, and starts to squeeze, gently at first and then ever more firmly!

After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her profusely, saying,

“I’ve never seen anybody do anything like that before. It was fantastic. Are you a doctor?”

” No,” she says, “Divorce attorney.”

One evening, Little Johnny, his brother Little Jimmy, and their dad, sat down to eat supper.

The dad turned to Little Jimmy and asked,

“Little Jimmy, what would you like to eat first?”

To this Little Jimmy replied,

“I want some of them f*ckin’ peas.”

In a flash, dad slapped the sh!t out of Little Jimmy.

“Now what did you want to eat first Jimmy?” asked the dad.

“I want some of them f*ckin’ peas,” said Jimmy.

Dad then backhanded Little Jimmy clean out of his chair and halfway across the room.

Little Jimmy shook it off and promptly returned to the table.

Returning to the table, short of breath, and trying to regain his composure, the dad turned to his other son Little Johnny and calmly asked,

“Well Little Johnny, just what would you like to eat first?”

Little Johnny, glancing at his brother on the floor, turned back to his dad and quickly exclaimed,

“Well you can bet your sweet a$s, it ain’t none of them F*ckin’ Peas!

On a senior citizens bus tour, while the passengers were unloading to do some sightseeing, one elderly lady stopped and whispered in the driver’s ear.

She said, “Driver, I believe that I was sexually harassed!”

The driver didn’t think much of her complaint but promised he would check into it soon.

Later, that same day, as the passengers were unloading again, a second little old lady bent down and whispered in his ear, “Sir, I believe I was sexually harassed!”

This time, he figured he’d a better look into it.

A few passengers had remained on the bus, and he decided to go back and question them, to find out if they knew what was going on.

He found one little old man crawling along the bus floor beneath the seats and stooped down to question him.

“Excuse me, sir, could I help you?”

The elderly man looked up and said, “Well, sonny you sure can. I’ve lost my toupee and I’m trying to find it…”

The man continued, “I thought I’d located it twice, but they were parted in the middle, and mine is parted on the side!”

During a shortage of eligible men, a bear, a pig and a rabbit are called up for national service.

While waiting for the medical examinations, they all admit they’re terrified of being killed.

‘I’m ungainly and pink,’ says the pig, truthfully.

‘The enemy will see me a mile off – so I decided to chop my tail off.

The rabbit nods sagely – and the bear realizes the bunny’s ears have been removed.

‘I just hope it works,’ says the rabbit.

Mystified, the bear watches as both animals enter the examination room – then return, smiling.

‘We’re free to go,’ says the rabbit.

‘They said a rabbit without ears is not a proper rabbit, and a pig without a curly tail is not a proper pig!’

He’s about to leave with the pig when the bear pipes up.

‘Hang on a minute!’ he cries.

‘I’m massive and slow – I’d not last a day.’

The other two look at the bear.

‘Well,’ says the rabbit,

‘Your sharp teeth could be useful in combat. You might want them removed …’

Nodding miserably, the bear lies down – and the other animals start kicking his fangs out.

Eventually, the dazed bear, blood pouring from his mouth, stumbles through the door.

A moment later he returns.

‘Did you get let off?’ says the pig.

‘Yesh,’ splutters the bear.

‘Apparently, I’m too fat.’

A couple was walking down their street in Christmas Eve, enjoying the lights, when suddenly they feel a little precipitation.

The man says, “I think it’s raining, we should go back home.”

The woman says, “No, I think it’s snowing.”

The couple argues about this for a few minutes.

The woman looks around and sees a communist officer wandering around that street.

“Let’s ask that communist officer.”

So the couple walks over. “Officer Rudolph, sir, is it raining or snowing?”

“Definitely raining,” says Officer Rudolph.

The man turned to his wife, grinning, and says,

“See, Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.”