11/05/2022 from Daily Jokes
#16583
An elderly pianist was hired to play background music for a movie.
When it was completed he asked when and where he could see the picture.
The producer sheepishly confessed that it was actually a porn film and it was due out in a month.
A month later, the musician went to a porn theater to see the adult movie.
With his collar up and dark glasses on, he took a seat in the back row of the adult cinema, next to a couple who also seemed to be in disguise.
The movie was even raunchier than he had feared, featuring group sex, S/M, bondage and even a dog.
After a while watching the adult movie, the embarrassed pianist turned to the couple and said, “I’m only here to listen to the music.”
“Yeah?” replied the man. “We’re only here to see our dog.”
11/04/2022 from Daily Jokes
#16580
A gorilla was walking through the jungle when he came across a deer eating grass in a clearing.
The gorilla roared, “Who is the king of the jungle?”
And the deer replied, “Oh, you are, Master.”
The gorilla walked off pleased.
Soon he came across a zebra drinking at a water hole.
The gorilla roared, “Who is the king of the jungle?” T
he zebra replied, “Oh, you are, Master.”
The gorilla walked off pleased.
Then he came across an elephant.
“Who is the king of the jungle?” he roared.
With that, the elephant threw the gorilla across a tree and jumped on him.
The gorilla scraped himself up off the ground and said,
“Okay, okay, there’s no need to get mad just because you don’t know the answer.”
11/03/2022 from Daily Jokes
#16577
A woman went shopping.
At the cash counter, she opened her purse to pay.
The cashier noticed a TV remote in her purse:
He could not control his curiosity and ask.
“Do you always carry your TV remote with you?”
She replied. “No, not always, but my husband refused to accompany me shopping today because of football match, so I took the remote.
* Moral: Accompany and support your wife in her hobbies…..*
The story continues…
The cashier laughed and then returned all the items that the lady had purchased.
Shocked at this act. She asked the cashier what he was doing.
He said. “Your husband has blocked your credit card.”
*MORAL: Always respect the hobbies of your husband.*
Story continues….
Wife took out her husband’s credit card from purse and swiped it. Unfortunately, he didn’t block his own card.
*Moral: Don’t underestimate the power and wisdom of your WIFE..*
Story continues….
After swiping, the machine indicated, ‘ENTER THE PIN SENT TO YOUR MOBILE PHONE’.
*Moral: When a man tends to lose, the machine is smart enough to save him!*
Story continues….
She smiled to herself and reached out for the mobile which rang in her purse. It was her husband’s phone showing the forwarded SMS. She had taken it with the remote control so he doesn’t call her during her shopping. She bought her items and returned home happily.
*Moral: Don’t underestimate a desperate woman!*
Story continues….
On getting home, his car was gone. A note was lying on the table.
“Couldn’t find the remote. Gone out with the boys to watch the premiership match. Will be home late. Call me on my phone if you need something”.
*Moral: Don’t try to control your spouse. You will always lose!*
11/02/2022 from Daily Jokes
#16575
A mother is driving her little girl to her friend’s house for a play date.
Mummy, the little girl asks, ‘how old are you?‘
‘Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age’, the mother replied. ‘It’s not polite’.
‘OK’, the little girl says,
‘What colour was your hair 2 years ago’?
‘Now really’, the mother says, ‘those are personal questions and are really none of your business’.
Undaunted, the little girl asks, ‘Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?‘
‘That’s enough questions, young lady! Honestly’
The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
‘My Mum won’t tell me anything about her,‘ the little girl says to her friend.
‘Well,‘ says the friend, all you need to do is look at her driver’s license.
‘It’s like a report card, it has everything on it.’
Later that night the little girl says to her mother, ‘I know how old you are. You are 32.‘
The mother is surprised and asks, ‘How did you find that out?‘
‘I also know that you used to have brown hair.‘
The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
‘How in Heaven’s name did you find that out?‘
‘And,‘ the little girl says triumphantly, ‘I know why you and daddy got a divorce.‘
‘Oh really’?‘ the mother asks. ‘Why’?
‘Because on your driving license it says you got an F in sex.‘
11/01/2022 from Daily Jokes
#16572
Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me again asking why I didn’t do something useful with my time.
Like sitting around the pool and drinking wine is not a good thing, I said.
Talking about my “doing something useful” seems to be her favorite topic of conversation.
She was “only thinking of me” and suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys.
I did this and when I got home last night, I decided to teach her a lesson about staying out of my business.
I e-mailed her and told her that I had joined a parachute club.
She replied, “Are you nuts? you are 73 years old, and now you’re going to start jumping out of airplanes?”
I told her that I even got a membership card and e-mailed a copy to her.
She immediately telephoned me, “Good grief, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club.”
Oh man, I’m in trouble again; I really don’t know what to do… I signed up for five jumps a week.”
The line went quiet and her friend picked up the phone and said that my daughter had fainted.
Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier but sometimes it can be fun.