10/26/2022 from Daily Jokes
#16552
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class.
She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home.
She read, “…and so the pig went up to the man with the wheel barrow full of straw and said,
“Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?”
The teacher paused then asked the class,
“And what do you think that man said?”
Little Johnny raised his hand and said,
“I think he said ‘Holy Sh*t! A talking pig!’”
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
10/25/2022 from Daily Jokes
#16549
A crab and a lobster are secretly dating.
Pretty soon, the lobster tires of the lying and tells her father, who then forbids her to see the crab anymore.
“It’ll never work, honey.” he says to her. “Crabs walk sideways and we walk straight.”
“Please,” she begs her father. “Just meet him once. I know you’ll like him.”
Her father finally relents and agrees to a one-time meeting, and she runs off to share the good news with her crab sweetie.
The crab is so excited he decides to surprise his beloved’s family. He practices and practices until he can finally walk straight!
On the BIG day, he walks the entire way to the lobster’s house as straight as he can.
Standing on the porch, and seeing the crab walking towards him, the lobster dad yells to his daughter…..
“I knew it! Here comes that crab and he’s drunk!”
10/24/2022 from Daily Jokes
#16544
Young Ernie and his family were invited to have Easter lunch at his grandmother’s house in Monkey’s Eyebrow, Arizona. USA.
Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served.
When Ernie received his plate he started eating straight away.
‘Ernie, wait until we say grace,’ demanded his father.
‘I don’t have to,’ the five year old replied.
‘Of course you do, Ernest,’ his mother insisted rather forcefully.
‘We always say a prayer before eating at our house)
‘That’s at our house,’ Ernie explained, ‘but this is
Grandma’s house, and she knows how to cook.’
10/23/2022 from Daily Jokes
#16541
An Amish woman was driving her buggy to town when a highway patrol officer stopped her.
“I’m not going to cite you,” said the officer. “
I just wanted to warn you that the reflector on the back of your buggy is broken, and it could be dangerous.”
I thank thee,” replied the lady.
“I shall have my husband repair it as soon as I return home.”
“Also,” said the officer, “I noticed one of your reins to your horse is wrapped around his testicles. Some people might consider this cruelty to animals, so you should have your husband check that too.”
“Again I thank thee. I shall have my husband check both when I get home.”
True to her word, when the Amish lady got home, she told her husband about the broken reflector, and he said he would put a new one on immediately. “Also,” said the woman, “The policeman said there was something wrong with the emergency brake.”
10/22/2022 from Daily Jokes
#16538
Nosferatu the Vampire wants a bat to be his companion.
He decides to hold a competition to choose the best bat for the job. He tells the bats: “Whoever gets the most blood on their face and comes back to me gets to be my companion.”
So Nosferatu brings the four bats auditioning for the job to the top of his castle and tells the first bat to fly out and come back with blood on his face.
The first bat comes back with some blood on his face.
Nosferatu says: “Good job. How did you do it?”
The first bat replies: “See that school over there? I sucked the blood out of the children.”
Nosferatu is pleased and sends out the second bat.
The second bat comes back with a lot blood on his face.
Nosferatu says: “Good job. How did you do it?”
The second bat replies: “See that village over there? I sucked the blood out of the working men.”
Nosferatu is pleased and sends out the third bat.
The third bat comes back with a ton on his face.
Nosferatu says: “Good job. How did you do it?”
The third bat replies: “See that church over there? I sucked the blood out of the nuns.” Nosferatu is pleased and sends out the fourth and final bat.
The forth bat comes back and his entire face is covered in blood. Nosferatu, astounded, says: “Oh my lord!
Fantastic job! How on earth did you do it?”
The fourth bat says, “See that tower over there?”
Nosferatu says: “well, no I don’t”.
The fourth bat replies: “Neither did I”.