11/15/2022 from Daily Jokes
#16611
An elderly lady was invited to an old friend’s home for dinner one evening.
She was impressed by the way her lady friend preceded every request to her husband with endearing terms such as:
Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, etc.
The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.
While the husband was in the living room, her lady friend leaned over to her hostess to say,
‘I think it’s wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your husband all those loving names.
The elderly lady hung her head.
‘I have to tell you the truth,’
she said,
‘his name slipped my mind about 10 years ago, and I’m scared to death to ask the cranky old a$shole what his name is.’
11/14/2022 from Daily Jokes
#16608
Little Johnny and Susie were about to go into his apartment and before he could open his door,
Little Johnny said,
“Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door.”
Susie says, “Well, give me some examples.”
Little Johnny proceeds to tell him,
“Well, the first way is, if a guy shoves his key in the lock, and opens the door hard, then that means he is a rough lover and that isn’t for me.
“The second way is if a man fumbles around and can’t seem to find the hole, then that means he is inexperienced and that isn’t for me either.”
Then Susie said,
“So, how do you unlock your door?”
Little Johnny proceeds to say,
“Well, first before I do anything else, I lick the lock.”
11/13/2022 from Daily Jokes
#16606
An elderly woman wants half a head of lettuce at a grocery store, so she tells the young man at the checkout,
“I would like to buy half a head of lettuce.”
The young man says, “I’m sorry we only sell whole heads of lettuce.”
The old woman says, “Well you see I’m old, and I don’t eat very much, and so when I buy a whole head of lettuce, the other half usually goes to waste. Would you ask your supervisor
if there is something he could do?”
The young man, rolls his eyes, lets out a sigh, and walks into his supervisors office.
“Hey, some dumb old hag wants to buy half a head of lettuce…”
His supervisor looks up from his desk and is shocked to see the elderly woman had followed the young man.
She’s right behind him at the door and heard what he said.
The young man turns around, sees her, realizing his mistake blurts out,
“But this beautiful young lady would like to buy the other half of that head of lettuce, so it works out, right?” Everything is worked out, the elderly woman leaves happily, and the supervisor says,
“That was close. You’re pretty quick on your feet. Where you from?”
The young man says, “Oh, me? I’m from Canada, but I left because it’s just filled with hockey players and prost!tutes.”
The supervisor, crosses his arms and says, “Hey, my wife is from Canada!”
The young man responds, “Oh that’s wonderful… what team does she play for?”
11/12/2022 from Daily Jokes
#16604
Suddenly , the door opened slowly and a man crept into the room on four legs.
His mouth was full with pieces of colored plastic.
He was holding strange objects in his hands.
He was dragging cables along behind himself.
The doctor was glad because of the visit and exclaimed,
“And what do we have here, a little snake? Come to Uncle Doctor, my snake…”
The man shook his head.
“Oh, sorry, I didn’t notice your legs. You’re a dragon, right?” The man shook his head again angrily.
“Sorry… a worm?” The visitor spitted out the plastic pieces.
“Go to hell, you idiot! I’m the system administrator and I came to change your LAN cable!”
11/11/2022 from Daily Jokes
#16601
A hitchhiker is taken by an elderly couple in an RV.
During the trip, the husband, driving the vehicle, says “152”, and the couple laughs.
Then the wife says “365” and they also laugh.
The hitchhiker then asks “What’s the deal with these numbers?”
The old man replies:
“We’ve been telling each other jokes for such a long time that we memorized and numbered them all, and now only refer to them by numbers.”
A few minutes after hearing that, the hitchhiker says “984”, and the couple heartily laughs for quite some time.
The hitchhiker asks “Is it that funny?”
The old man replies
“No, but it’s the first time we’ve heard this one!”