Daily Joke: Jokes Library

“Says here,” he says, “you didn’t really do anything wrong and they were willing to let you into the Other Place.”

“Yes,” said the dead soul. “But I said I’d rather be in Hell with my best friend than in Heaven with God!”

“Huh,” says the demon. “Okay, we don’t normally do requests, but this once, we’re prepared to accommodate you. Here we go…”

In a moment they were translated from the Vestibule to the Ninth Circle, where Satan himself is eternally imprisoned at the centre of the great ice plain, and the dead soul saw someone he knew, frozen into the ice. With a gesture, the demon unfroze the ice slightly and pushed the new arrival in next to his friend.

“Enjoy the Circle of Traitors,” he said, and vanished, leaving the two men alone facing each other at arm’s length, already frozen in place from the waist down.

“I don’t understand, Bob,” said the new arrival. “You were a great guy! How did you end up here? In Hell? In the Circle of Traitors?!”

The dead in Hell cannot lie.

“…I fuck3d my best friend’s wife,” Bob answered.

When a woman entered the pharmacy, she approached the pharmacist and stated to him, staring into his eyes,

“I want to purchase some cyanide.”

Why on earth do you need cyanide, the pharmacist questioned.

“I need it to poison my husband,” the woman said.

“Lord have mercy! I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband! That’s against the law! I’ll lose my license! They’ll throw us both in jail! All kinds of awful things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!” the pharmacist cried, his eyes growing wide.

The woman took out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife from her purse.

You didn’t tell me you had a prescription, so that’s different, the pharmacist said after taking a look at the picture.

There are two nine story buildings neighboring each other.

One neighbor yells to the other neighbor of the opposite building:

“Hey Michael, when is your birthday?” One neighbor yells to the other neighbor.

“May, Why do you ask Alex?” The second neighbor asks in return.

“Because I know exactly a gift for you.”

“ok, and what will it be?”

“Since we can see everything every time your wife blows you, I’ll be more than happy to provide you with window curtains.”

“Fine, and when is your birthday?” The second neighbor asks the other neighbor’s first question.

“July, why do you ask Michael?”

“It seems to me that I found a perfect gift for you as well.”

“And what will it be?”

“Binoculars of course. That way you would finally be able to recognize whose wife that woman is.”

The teacher asked Little Johnny if he had any pets.

Little Johnny replied

“Yes I have a pet cat and this morning before I left for school I put some lighter fuel in the cat’s water bowl. The cat raced up the stairs. jumped over the beds, ran down again, across the living room to the curtains, climbed up to the top and then fell down onto the floor. The cat just lay there motionless”.

“OMG”, exclaimed the teacher, “was your pet cat dead”?

“No” said Little Johnny,

“He just ran out of gas…”

An elderly patient in a mental hospital was being reviewed for possible release.

When asked what he would do if released, he replied,

“I am going to make a slingshot and come back here and break every damn window in the place.”

Obviously, his release was denied.

Six months later, the board was again considering his release and again asked him the same question.

His reply was the same.

“I am going to make a slingshot and come back here and break every damn window in the place”.

Again, he was turned down.

Several months later he was complaining to a fellow patient that he could never seem to get released.

The elderly patient asked him what he said when they interviewed him, and he told him.

The elderly patient said,

“You will never get released with answers like that. You have to tell them what they want to hear. Let me give you some advice on how to answer them when they ask you questions.”

So, after considerable coaching, the man felt that he was ready.

So when the board met again, they again asked him what he would do if they let him out. But this time he was ready.

He said, “I am going to get a job, find an apartment, and settle down.”

“Good,” they said, and then what?”

He said, “I want to meet a nice girl and start dating.”

They agreed he was making real progress and asked, “And then what”?

“One night when we are alone in my apartment, I am going to make passionate love to my girlfriend. I am going to take her dress off, and then take her br@ off and lie her down on the bed.”

“Yes? they said excitedly.

“Then I am going to gently remove her p@nties,” he continued.

The board members were really getting excited now and asked,

“Then what are you going to do?”

He said, “I am going to take the elastic out of those p@nties, make myself a slingshot, come back here and break every damn window in this place!!!