11/10/2022 from Daily Jokes
#16598
Dracula wanted to know which of his bats was the best.
So, he organised a competition, simply the bat that would drink more blood in less time than others would be the winner.
The first bat went and came back after 10 minutes.
Its mouth was full of blood. Dracula was impressed.
He asked, “Nice, how did you do it?”
The bat said,
“Do you see that tower? Behind it, there is a house. I went inside and drank the blood of all the family.”
Dracula said, “Very good”.
The second bat went and came back after 5 minutes.
He too had blood on his face. Dracula was shocked,
“How did you do that?”
The bat said, “Do you see that tower? Behind it, there is a hotel. I went inside and drank the blood of all the guests.”
Dracula said, “Fantastic”.
Now the third bat went and came back just after 1 minute.
There was blood on all his body. Dracula couldn’t believe his eyes,
“How did you do that?”
The bat said, “Do you see that tower?”
Dracula said, “Yes”. The bat said “I didn’t”
11/09/2022 from Daily Jokes
#16594
A lady went to a doctor’s office, and was being examined by a doctor.
A few minutes into the examination, screeching could be heard from the room, and then the lady burst out of the room as if running for her life.
After much effort a nurse finally managed to calm her down enough to tell her story.
The nurse barged into the office of the Doctor and screamed:
“Shame on you, Mrs. Smith is 82 years old, and you told her she’s pregnant.”
The Doctor continued writing calmly and barely looking up said:
“Does she still have the hiccups?”
11/08/2022 from Daily Jokes
#16591
Two guys are driving along in a car when they see two dogs mating in someone’s yard.
The driver says,
“That is great. My wife and I do that every night.”
The passenger replies,
“My wife is conservative, she likes it the old-fashioned way. But if you tell me how you get your wife to do this, I would like to try it.”
The driver says,
“Give your wife two drinks and she will be all set.”
The next morning they’re cruising along and the driver asks,
“How was it?”
The passenger answers,
“It was great, but it took my wife ten drinks.”
The driver looks at him funny and says,
“Ten drinks?”
The passenger says,
“Yes. After two she was more than willing to make love that way, but it took her eight more to get her out on the front lawn!”
11/07/2022 from Daily Jokes
#16588
After going through the line at a crowded mall cafeteria,
The three rambunctious teenage boys found they were forced to share a table with a kindly looking old lady.
One of the lads decided to have a bit of fun at the woman’s expense and, nudging one of his buddies under the table, suddenly remarked,
“Did your folks ever get married?”
“Nope,” replied his tablemate, picking up the put on.
“How about you?”
“They never bothered,” answered the first young man.
“That’s nothing,” interrupted the third,
“my mother doesn’t even know who my father is.”
The elderly woman looked up from her coffee and said sweetly.
“Excuse me, but would one of you little b@stards please pass the sugar?”
11/06/2022 from Daily Jokes
#16585
On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence.
One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.
“One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me,” said one boy.
Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle.
As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate.
Sure enough, he heard,
“One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me ….”
He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off.
Just around the bend, he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
“Come here quick,” said the boy,
“you won’t believe what I heard! The Devil and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!”
The man said,
“Beat it, kid, can’t you see it’s hard for me to walk.” When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.
Standing by the fence they heard,
“One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.”
The old man whispered,
“Boy, you’ve been tellin’ me the truth. Let’s see if we can see the Lord…?”
Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything.
The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.
At last, they heard,
“One for you, one for me. That’s all. Now let’s go get those nuts by the fence and we’ll be done.”
The old man beat the boy to the gate.