Daily Joke: Jokes Library

In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was suddenly confronted by a huge, mean bear.

In his fear, all attempts to shoot the bear were unsuccessful.

Finally, he turned and ran as fast as he could.

The hunter ran and ran and ran, until he ended up at the edge of a very steep cliff.

His hopes were dim.

Seeing no way out of his predicament, and with the bear closing in rather quickly, the hunter got down on his knees, opened his arms, and exclaimed,

“Dear God! Please give this bear some religion!”

The skies darkened and there was lightning in the air.

Just a few feet short of the hunter, the bear came to an abrupt stop, and glanced around, somewhat confused.

Suddenly, the bear looked up into the sky and said,

“Thank you, God, for the food I’m about to receive…”

A Man was going to the county fair one day with a pig under one arm and a chicken under one arm, and a basket on his head.

He came to a crossroads and didn’t know which way to turn.

While he stood there deciding, a young woman approached him, heading the same direction.

“Please, ma’am, I’m on the way to the county fair. Can you tell me which way to go?”

“Yes,” she replied.

“I’m on my way there, too. We’ll go right down this way about a mile, turn left about a mile and a half, left again about a mile and we’re right there.”

He said, “Wait a minute… down here, turn left and left again? Couldn’t we save a lot of time by talking through these woods?”

She replied, “Yes, we could. But I couldn’t walk through those woods with you. Why… you might try to kiss me!”

“Listen,” he said, “how could I possibly kiss anybody with a pig under one arm, a chicken under one arm and a basket on my head?”

“Well,” she replied,

“you could put that chicken on the ground, turn the basket upside down over the chicken, and I could hold that little bitty ole pig.”

An old french man moves to America and begins looking for a job.

He walks into a bakery to meet with the owner.

The owner is hesitant to hire him because his English is really poor, so he decides to try and find an excuse to not hire the man.

“Okay, I’ll hire you only if you can express to me the number 9 without using numerals or letters.”

And the old man says, in his thick accent,

“In France, we have a lot of trees. So tree plus tree plus tree equals nine.”

The owner, surprised, nonchalantly says

“well, that was an easy one. Now I need you to express the number 99 with the same rules.”

The old man responds,

“In France, we have a lot of trees and sometimes you see a lot of mud on the trees. So dirty tree, plus dirty tree, plus dirty tree, equals ninety-nine.”

The owner is impressed but worries that he’s actually going to have to hire the man.

“Okay, if you can answer this last question, you’re hired. Express the number 100 using the same rules.”

The old man replies

“Well I have a doggy, and he no like dirty trees, so I take him for a walk and he goes to each of the trees and takes a tiny little sh!t right next to each one. Dirty tree and one

turd, plus dirty tree and one turd, plus dirty tree and one turd, equals a hundred. So when do I start?”

Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door.

Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action.

They unite as one.

All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it’s Roger, Again he is ready for more ‘action’.

Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling.

When the newlyweds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it – Roger is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more ‘action’.

And, once more they enjoy each other.

But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often.

I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once.

You are truly a great lover, Roger.’

Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says:

‘You mean I was here already?’

An elderly man went to a doctor with multiple complaints.

“I see spots before my eyes,” he said.

“It’s due to old age,” said the doctor.

“No food agrees with me,” said the man.

“That too is due to old age,” said the doctor.

“The digestive system becomes weaker as we grow older.”

“My back is giving me trouble,” persisted the man.

“Sometimes the pain becomes unbearable.”

“Old age,” said the doctor.

This was too much for the man.

“Why do you go on saying ‘old age, old age,” he screamed.

“If you cannot cure me, say so. I’ll go elsewhere.”

“See how easily you lost your temper,” said the doctor.

“That is another characteristic of old age.”

At last, the old man slaps him, and the doctor asks,

“Why did you slap me?”

The old man said

“This is also due to old age, you see”