Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A man had a habit of taking off for the local tavern every time after supper where he used to spend the whole evening and would arrive back home very drunk at around midnight.

After arriving he always had trouble getting his key into the keyhole to open the door.

As a result, his wife would wait up for him so she could open up the door for him when he gets home.

After opening the door for him, she would proceed to yell and scream at him, for his constant nights out, and coming home in a drunken state.

One day, the wife was talking to a friend about her husband’s behaviour and how distraught it made her feel.

After a moment of listening her friend she then said,

“Why don’t you treat him a little differently, when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don’t you give him some loving words, and welcome him home with a kiss? He then might change his ways.”

The wife thought that might be a good idea.

That night, Harry took off again, after dinner.

And, about midnight, he arrived home, in his usual condition.

His wife heard him at the door and quickly went to open it for him and let Harry in.

As advised by her friend, this time instead of berating him as she had always done, she took his arm and led him into the living room.

She sat him down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the ottoman and took his shoes off.

Then she went behind him and started to cuddle him a little.

After a little while, she said to him,

“It’s pretty late, dear. I think we had better go upstairs to bed now, don’t you think?”

Upon hearing that, the guy replied in his inebriated state,

“Yes, why not dear? You’re a lifesaver. If I go home now, I’ll get into a hell of trouble with my stupid wife waiting for me there!”

The animals were bored. Finally, the lion had an idea.

“I know a really exciting game that the humans play called football. I’ve seen it on T.V.”

He proceeded to describe it to the rest of the animals and they all got excited about it so they decided to play.

They went out to the field and chose up teams and were ready to begin.

The lion’s team received.

They were able to get two first downs and then had to punt.

The mule punted and the rhino was back deep for the kick. He caught the ball, lowered his head and charged.

First, he crushed a roadrunner, then two rabbits.

He gored a wildebeest, knocked over two cows, and broke through to daylight, scoring six.

Unfortunately, they lacked a place-kicker, and the score remained 6 – 0.

Late in the first half the lion’s team scored a touchdown and the mule kicked the extra point.

The lion’s team led at halftime 7 – 6.

In the locker room, the lion gave a pep talk.

“Look you guys. We can win this game. We’ve got the lead and they only have one real threat. We’ve got to keep the ball away from the rhino, he’s a killer. Mule, when you kick off be sure to keep it away from the rhino.”

The second half began.

Just as the mule was about to kick off, the rhino’s team changed formation and the ball went directly to the rhino.

Once again, the rhino lowered his head and was off running.

First, he stomped two gazelles.

He skewered a zebra, and bulldozed an elephant out of the way.

It looked like he was home free.

Suddenly at the twenty-yard line, he dropped over dead.

There were no other animals in sight anywhere near him.

The lion went over to see what had happened.

Right next to the dead rhino he saw a small centipede.

“Did you do this?” he asked the centipede.

“Yeah, I did.” the centipede replied.

The lion retorted, “Where were you during the first half?”

“I was putting on my shoes.”

There are five cows on a farm, one mamma cow and four baby calves.

The first baby walks up to the mom and asks,

“Momma, why is my name Rose?”

The mommy cow replies,

“Well honey, a rose petal fell on your head when you were born.”

The next calf comes up and asks,

“Momma, why is my name Lily?”

The mother replies, “Because honey, a lily petal fell on your head when you were born.”

The third baby comes up and asks,

“Momma, why is my name Daisy?”

The momma cow again replies

” Well, when you were born a daisy petal fell on your head.”

The final baby walks over and says, “Duh huh guh nuh!”

The momma cow says, “Shut up, Cinderblock.”

WIFE: Darling why are you home this early wearing such a Long face?

HUSBAND: Had a terríble day, I lost all my colleagues today at work.

WIFE: Bloód of Jesus! What háppened?

HUSBAND: There was a Fíre óut break dówn the tunnel and everybody died!

WIFE: What a píty! Darling, I thank God for keeping You Alíve.🙏 How did you make it out my dear?

HUSBAND: Dárling, it was God’s Wórk. My stómach was upsétting me so, I took a bréak to eáse myself in the toílet.

WIFE: Darling, thank God you are alive. What would have happened to us??!!😢; I feel so much píty for their families, how are they going to survive now?

HUSBAND: My dear it’s a píty, but the UNITED NATIONS has decided to give the families of the deceased $10 million each.

WIFE: What? !!!! Ten míllion what? Chai!! Honey, you didn’t do well oo, why are you always ábsent when God wants to bléss us?

A wife asked her husband to drop her off at a friend’s house, where a wedding reception was taking place.

He responded that he would be too busy throughout the day in the office, and gave her some money to take a taxi.

He left for the office.

The wife took a Taxi to the wedding reception, there she met a fine Girl and they got talking to each other.

Soon they became friends.

In the evening when everyone was leaving, the Girl asked the Woman how she was going home.

She replied that her husband was too busy in the office to pick her up so she would use a taxi.

The Girl responded;

“My boyfriend brought me here and would be coming to pick me up. I just spoke to him on the phone and he’s on his way. Why don’t you join me in his car and we would drop you at your house”

The woman agreed. A few minutes later, her husband’s car arrived.

The Girl jumped into the front passenger seat of the car and asked the Woman to sit at the backseat, which she did confused and perturbed.

Then the Girl introduced her new friend to her boyfriend.

When the man turned around to greet the woman, he recognized her as his wife. Nothing much was said along the way.

He dropped the wife at home first as planned and proceeded to drop the Girl at her house.

The question now is:

If you were the wife, what would you do when your husband returns home?

If you were the husband, what would you say to your wife when you return home?

What would you do if you are the wife?