02/09/2023 from Daily Jokes
#16863
A couple had been married for 40 years and he managed all of the money.
He told his wife that he did not ever want her to look inside the safe.
One day, when he was away her curiosity got the best of her and she looked into the safe and found $10,000 and three eggs.
When her husband returned home, she told him what she had done.
He said, “I told you never to look inside the safe!”
She answered, “Too bad, I did. But I don’t understand what the 3 eggs are doing in the safe.”
The husband said, “Well, to be perfectly honest, I put an egg in the safe every time I have an affair with another woman.”
The wife said, “I am not pleased about that but, then again, I suppose 3 times in 40 years is not all that bad.”
The man answered, “I should also tell you that when I get a dozen eggs, I sell them. That is where the money comes from.”
02/08/2023 from Daily Jokes
#16861
An old-timer in Scotland, in a bar, talking to a young man.
The Old Man says,
“Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence? Look how well it’s built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands. I piled it for months.”
“But do they call me McGreggor-the-Fence-Builder? Nooo…”
Then the old man gestured at the bar.
“Look here at the bar. Do ya see how smooth it is, how intricately carved? I planed that surface down by me own achin’ back. I carved that wood with me own hard labour, for eight days.”
“But do they call me McGreggor-the-Bar-builder? Nooo…”
Then the old man points out the window.
“Eh, Laddy, look out to sea…Do ya see that pier that stretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off me back. I nailed it board by board.”
“But do they call me McGreggor-the-Pier-Builder? Nooo…”
Then the old man looks around nervously, trying to make sure no one is paying attention, and whispers,
“But ya f*ck one goat…”
02/07/2023 from Daily Jokes
#16859
Little Johnny woke up in the middle of the night and went to the bathroom.
On the way back to bed, he passed his parent’s room. When he looked in, he noticed the covers bouncing.
He called to his dad,
“Hey Dad, what are you doing?”
The dad answered,
“Playing Cards”.
Little Johnny asked,
“Whose your partner?”
The dad answered, “Your mom”.
Little Johnny then passed by his older sister’s room.
Again, he noticed the covers bouncing.
He called to his sister,
“Hey Sis, what are you doing?”
The sister answered,
“Playing Cards.”
Little Johnny asked,
“Whose your partner?”
She answered, “My boyfriend.”
A little later, the Dad got up and went to the bathroom (naturally).
As he passed Little Johnny’s room, he noticed the covers bouncing. He called to his son,
“What are you doing?”
Little Johnny answered, “Playing Cards.”
The Dad asked, “Really? Whose your partner?”
Little Johnny answered,…
“You don’t need a partner if you have a good hand”
02/06/2023 from Daily Jokes
#16855
A little bunny hops into town, hops into the bakery, hops up to the baker and asks,
“Do you have any cookies with fish in them?”
“No,” said the baker, “but I have some wonderful oatmeal and chocolate chip cookies.”
“No thanks!” said the bunny, and he hops out of town.
The next day the little bunny hops into town, hops into the bakery, hops up to the baker and asks,
“Do you have any cookies with fish in them?”
“No,” said the baker, “but I have some wonderful snickerdoodles and cookies with macadamia nuts in them.”
“No thanks!” said the bunny, and he hops out of town.
So the baker decided to make some cookies with fish in them.
And sure enough the next day…the little bunny hops into town, hops into the bakery, hops up to the baker and asks,
“Do you have any cookies with fish in them?”
“Why yes I do.” said the baker.
“Well who you going to sell those too?” said the bunny.
02/05/2023 from Daily Jokes
#16851
A man returns home a day early from a business trip.
It’s after midnight.
While en-route home, he asks the cabby if he would be a witness.
The man suspects his wife is having an affair, and he wants to catch her in the act.
For £50 quid, the cabby agrees.
Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip-toe into the bedroom.
The husband switches on the lights yank the blanket back and there is his wife, naked, with a man.
The husband puts a gun to the naked man’s head.
The wife shouts, ‘Don’t do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money.
HE paid for the Porsche I gave you.
HE paid for your new 25 ft. Ranger Fishing Boat .
HE paid for your Football season tickets.
HE paid for our house at the lake.
HE paid for your Golf Trip to St Andrews and your new 4 x 4.
HE paid for our country club membership and HE even pays the monthly dues!’
Shaking his head from side to side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says,
‘What would you do’?
The cabby replies,
‘I’d cover him with that blanket before he catches a cold.’