02/19/2023 from Daily Jokes
#16891
A farmer named Patrick lived alone in the Irish countryside with his pet dog:
The dog finally died, and Patrick went to the parish priest, saying.
“Father, my dog died. Could you possibly say Mass for the poor creature?”
Father Murphy told the farmer.
“No, we can’t have services for an animal in the church, but I’ll tell you what, there’s a new denomination down the road and no telling what they believe in, but maybe they’ll do something for the animal.”
Patrick said.
“I’ll go right now. By the way, do you think €5,000 is enough to donate to the service?”
Father Murphy exclaimed.
“Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn’t ya tell me the dog was Catholic?”
02/18/2023 from Daily Jokes
#16889
A salesman is talking to an old farmer when he looks over and sees a rooster wearing pants, a shirt, and suspenders:
He says. “What on earth is that all about?”
The old farmer says.
“We had a fire in the chicken coop two months ago and all his feathers got singed off, so the wife made him some clothes to keep him warm.”
“Okay, but that was two months ago. Why does he still wear them?”
The old farmer replied.
“There ain’t nothing funnier than watching him try to hold down a hen with one foot and get his pants down with the other!”
02/17/2023 from Daily Jokes
#16886
An old italian couple is walking around in the mall.
After a while they get separated so the woman goes up to the first saleswoman she sees and ask:
“Escusa me, have you seen-a my-a Tony. He’s got a big-a belly and a-lotsa of curly black hair?”
The saleswoman answers that she hasn’t seen her husband.
So the Italian woman goes to aks another saleswoman:
“Escusa me, have you seen-a me Tony. He’s got a big-a belly and a-lotsa of curly black hair?”
“No, I’m sorry ma’am, I haven’t seen your husband.”
The Italian woman goes to see one more saleswoman and ask:
“Escusa me, have you seen-a me Tony. He’s got a big-a belly and a-lotsa of curly black hair?”
The saleswoman answers:
“Yes I saw him, he ran out of here lickety split.”
To which the Italian woman answers:
“No no no, that’s not-a my Tony, he pinch-a the bum, grab-a the bre@sts but he no lickety split!”
02/16/2023 from Daily Jokes
#16883
“I bet you don’t know what day this is”, said the wife to her husband as he made his way out the front door.
The husband was perplexed, but was always a quick thinker: “Of course I do, my dear. How could I forget!’?”
With that, he turned and rushed to catch the bus for work.
At 10 AM, the doorbell rang and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long-stemmed red roses.
At 1 PM, a foil-wrapped, two-pound box of her favourite chocolates arrived.
Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress. The woman couldn’t wait for her husband to come home.
The husband was smug when he returned from work, satisfied that he had recovered from what could have been a very bad situation.
His wife was indeed surprised: “First the flowers, then the chocolates and then the dress!”
she exclaimed, “I’ve never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!”
02/15/2023 from Daily Jokes
#16879
An old owl was perched on a tree on top of a hill one very cold night.
He looked down in the valley and saw a light in a window so he decided to fly down to the window ledge in hopes there was some warmth escaping.
Well sure enough it was warm, so he fell fast asleep.
He didn’t know that there were two vetenary students inside studying for final exams.
The two vetenary students spotted the owl and decided to use him as practice.
They eased the window open and gassed him.
The first student looked down the owls throat and said he has tonsillitis, so he operated.
The other looked at his butt and announced that the owl had hemorrhoids, so he operated.
They placed the owl back out on the ledge.
The owl woke up very groggy and flew away.
The next winter that same owl was perched on the same tree on a very cold night.
A young owl landed next to him and said brrrr it sure is cold out tonight.
The old owl agreed.
The young owl noticed there was a light down in the valley and suggested they both fly down there to the window ledge and maybe find some escaping heat.
The old owl replied
“no way”, last year I did the same thing, passed out, woke up drunk and for the next six weeks I couldn’t sh!t worth a hoot or hoot worth a sh!t.