Daily Joke: Jokes Library

Dave’s wife thinks that he is pushing himself too hard, so she takes him to a local strip club for his birthday.

The doorman at the club greets them and says,

“Hey, Dave! How are ya?”

His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before.

“Oh no,” says Dave.

“He’s on my bowling team.” They sit and a waitress asks Dave if he’d like his usual.

His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says,

“You must come here a lot for that woman to know what you drink.”

“No, honey, she’s in the Ladies’ Bowling League. We share lanes with them.”

A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave.

“Hi, Davey,” she says, “Want your usual lap dance?”

Dave’s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. His wife starts screaming at him.

The cabbie turns his head and says,

“Looks like you picked up a real doozy this time, Dave!”

The very snobbish wife was discussing the subject of Christmas presents with her maid.

“Now what about the butler?” the rich woman said.

“A set of wine glasses?” the maid suggested.

The woman frowned icily.

“He doesn’t really need that. A butler never entertains. He’ll get a tie.”

The maid grimaced, but said only,

“What about a dress for Jenny, the serving girl?”

The woman frowned again.

“She doesn’t really need a new dress. She’ll only get in trouble.

We’ll get her another apron.”

The conversation continued in the same vein, and the maid was chafing At her employer’s arrogance when they reached her husband.

“I assume you want to get him something he really needs, madam?” the maid replied.

“Of course,” the woman replied.

“Then what about three more inches?”, said the maid.

One particular Christmas season a long time ago Santa was ready for his Christmas run… but there were problems.

Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mother was coming to visit.

This stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where.
More stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.

So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whisky.

When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the bottle and there was nothing to drink.

In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.

He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.

Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door.

He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said, very cheerfully, “Merry Christmas Santa. Isn’t it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Isn’t it just a lovely tree? Where would you like me to stick it?”

Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

A couple decide to go for a meal on their anniversary and after some deliberation decide on their local Chinese restaurant.

They peruse the menu and finally agree to share the chef’s special ‘Chicken Surprise’.

The waiter brings over the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to start in on the meal, the lid of the pot rises a tiny amount and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

‘Good grief, did you see that?’ she asks her husband. He hasn’t so she asks him to look in the pot.

He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and again he! sees two beady little eyes looking around before it firmly slams back down.

Rather perturbed he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening and demands an explanation.

‘Well sir’, says the waiter, ‘What did you order?’

‘We both chose the same’, he replies, ‘the Chicken Surprise’

‘Oh I do apologise, this is my fault’ says the waiter…..

‘I’ve brought you the Peking duck’

The little sexy housewife was having her TV repaired.

The TV repairman couldn’t keep his eyes off of her.

Every time she came in the room, he’d near about jerk his neck right out of joint looking at her:

When he’d finished she paid him and said.

“I’m going to make a well unusual request. But you have to first promise me you’ll keep it a secret.”

The repairman quickly agreed and she went on.

“Well, it’s kind of embarrassing to talk about, but while my husband is a kind, decent man sigh he has a certain physical weakness. A certain disability. Now, I’m a woman and you’re a man.”

The repairman could hardly speak.

“Yes! Yes!”

“And since I’ve been wanting to ever since you came in the door.”

“Yes; yes!”

“Would you help me move the refrigerator?”