Daily Joke: Jokes Library

My wife and I were having a serious quarrel when I said to her…

“pack your things and…….!!! …..”

At that point, her phone rang, so I had to stop to allow her to answer the call.

It was her dad.

The phone was on speaker so I could hear what he was saying.

After the usual pleasantries between father and daughter, he said:

“my daughter, I have transferred $6,000,000 into your account, give your husband $4,000,000 out of it, and you can have the remaining balance.”

I Am sending a LANDCRUISER tear rubber jeep to you and your husband for family use. After the g0od-byes, the càll ended, and she turned to me immediately

” you said I should pack my things and do what…….. ?”

I SAID, PACK YOUR THINGS AND GIVE THEM TO ME TO WASH”. I will iron them when the light comes.

A newly married Italian couple is spending their honeymoon in the bride’s mother’s country cottage.

It’s the 1930s the bride’s father died long ago, and they don’t have much money so this is the best they can do.

The new bride, a lovely young woman, has never left her village and never been with a man before.

Her new husband sits alone upstairs while she tells her mother how nervous and scared she is to be with a man for the first time.

“You-a don’t-a worry” Her mother tells her “I stay here and make-a the spaghetti, you go upstairs and have-a some fun”

The young woman goes upstairs and readied herself to consummate her marriage.

Her husband, sitting on the bed smiling begins to remove his shirt.

Having never seen a hairy chest before, the young bride gets frightened and runs downstairs.

“Momma!” she says “It’s-a so scary! He has-a the hair on his-a chest-a.”

“Calm down, little one” her mother says, stirring the sauce.

“Everything-a gonna be-a alright. I stay here and make-a the spaghetti, you go-a upstairs and have-a some fun”

So the young bride goes back upstairs.

Her new husband takes off his shoes, and pulls down his pants.

Having never seen hairy legs before, she gets scared and runs back downstairs.

“Oh-a momma!” she cries “It’s-a so scary! He has-a the hair on his legs-a”

“It’s-a OK,” her mother says in a calming voice.

“I stay here-a and make-a the spaghetti. You-a go upstairs and have-a some fun.”

So the bride goes back upstairs.

Her new husband is now wearing only his underwear and socks.

She stands in the doorway, gathered herself and smiles at her groom. He sits on the bed and removes his socks.

However, the man had fought in the Great War and was injured by a landmine.

It blew off all of his toes and part of his left foot.

The new bride knowing this was not normal cried out in fear and ran back downstairs.

“Momma! Momma! she screams. It’s-a so scary! Oh my god-a momma, I never seen-a anything like it before-a. You won’t believe it momma, but he has a foot and a half!”

The mother stops stirring her sauce and looks up at her daughter in disbelief.

After a short pause she says

“OK dear, don’t-a worry. You stay here-a and make-a the spaghetti…..I go upstairs and have-a some fun”

A man boarded an aeroplane and took his seat.
As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.
He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat.
As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.
Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, ‘Business trip or pleasure?
She turned, smiled and said,
‘Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston’.
He swallowed hard.
Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked,
‘What’s your business role at this convention?’
‘Lecturer,’ she responded.
‘ I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about s*xuality.
‘ Really?’ he said. ‘And what kind of myths are there?
‘Well, she explained, ‘one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
‘Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.
‘I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck’.
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.
‘I’m sorry,’ she said,
‘I shouldn’t really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name.
‘Tonto’, the man said,
‘Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba’.

Yesterday I received a friend request from a young attractive guy, about 19-20 years old:

I was curious. I wanted to know why someone that young wanted to be my FB friend.

So I accepted it. Then he started sending me private messages.

He called me beautiful. He asked my age.

I’m not a liar so I told him and reminded him I’m quite a bit his senior.

And I let him talk a bit cuz (truth be told) flattery ain’t all bad.

We kept chatting for a while and within a short time, he asked if we could talk about ‘adult things’.

I said ok.

Then He said ‘thank you, babe, you start.”

So I did! I told him adult things like I have arthritis and my knees and how it hurts badly.

My back acts up when it is cold outside.

I explained that I have crazy insomnia. And I didn’t forget to tell him that I have a pacemaker.

And of course, I told him about the laxatives. Can’t forget that.

I also didn’t forget to tell him that I have good quality dentures

I was as honest as I could be about ‘ADULT THINGS’ but I don’t understand why he blocked me!

A guy walks into a bar with his dog but the bartender says,

“Sorry, we don’t allow animals in here.”

The dog replies, “Hey, I’m tired of being discriminated against. Just give me a drink.”

The bartender says, “Oh, no, not another ventriloquist with the old talking dog trick. Both of you, get out of here!”

“No, no, no, this isn’t a trick, I promise you,” says the man,

“I tell you what, I’ll go for a walk around the block and you talk to Rover here.”

The man leaves and the bartender sees him turn the corner.

“Now, can I have my drink.” says the dog.

The bartender is amazed.

“Sure you can and it’s on the house! Listen, can you do me a favour? My wife works next door at the cafe. It’ll make her day if you go in and order a cup of coffee.” Here is ten bucks and you can keep the change afterwards.”

“Okay.” says the dog and he takes the ten dollars and leaves.

Ten minutes go by and the dog doesn’t come back.

The owner returns and asks where is the dog.

So both of them go off to see what has happened to the dog.

As they approach the cafe, they see Rover going at it hot and heavy with a French poodle in the alley between the bar and cafe.

The owner shouts, “Rover! What are you doing! You’ve never done this before!”

“The dog shrugged.

“Hell, I’ve never had any money before.”.”