Daily Joke: Jokes Library

An old owl was perched on a tree on top of a hill one very cold night.

He looked down in the valley and saw a light in a window so he decided to fly down to the window ledge in hopes there was some warmth escaping.

Well sure enough it was warm, so he fell fast asleep.

He didn’t know that there were two vetenary students inside studying for final exams.

The two vetenary students spotted the owl and decided to use him as practice.

They eased the window open and gassed him.

The first student looked down the owls throat and said he has tonsillitis, so he operated.

The other looked at his butt and announced that the owl had hemorrhoids, so he operated.

They placed the owl back out on the ledge.

The owl woke up very groggy and flew away.

The next winter that same owl was perched on the same tree on a very cold night.

A young owl landed next to him and said brrrr it sure is cold out tonight.

The old owl agreed.

The young owl noticed there was a light down in the valley and suggested they both fly down there to the window ledge and maybe find some escaping heat.

The old owl replied

“no way”, last year I did the same thing, passed out, woke up drunk and for the next six weeks I couldn’t sh!t worth a hoot or hoot worth a sh!t.

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a maddening passion for baked beans.

He loved them, but unfortunately, they had always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to him.

Then one day he met a girl and fell in love.

When it became apparent that they would get married, he thought to himself.

“She is such a sweet gentle girl, who would never go for this kind of carrying on.”

So he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up the beans.

Some months later, his car broke down on the way home from work.

Since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk home.

On his way home, he passed a small diner and the odor of baked beans was more than he could stand.

Since he still had several miles to walk he figured that he could work off any ill effects from the beans by the time he reached home.

So he stopped at the diner and before he knew it, he had consumed three large orders of baked beans and a pint of fresh buttermilk.

All the way home he fizzed and fuzzed and rattled and put-putted.

Upon arriving at home, he felt reasonably sure that he could control his gas.

His wife seemed somewhat agitated and excited to see him and exclaimed delicately,

“Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight.”

She then blindfolded him and led him to his chair at the table.

He seated himself, and she was just about to remove the blindfold when the phone rang.

She made him promise not to touch the blindfold until she returned.

She then went to answer the phone.

The baked beans that he had consumed were still affecting him and the pressure was almost unbearable.

So while his wife was out of the room, he seized the opportunity, shifted his weight on to one leg and let it go. It was not only loud and rattling, but it also smelled like a fertilizer truck

running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill.

He took his napkin and fanned vigorously at the stale air around him.

Shifting to the other cheek, he ripped off three more which reminded him of cabbage cooking.

Keeping his ear tuned to the conversation in the other room, he went on like this for ten delightful minutes!!!!

When the phone farewells signaled the end of his freedom, he fanned the air a few more times with his napkin, placed it in his lap and folded his hands upon it, and smiled contently to himself.

His was the picture of innocence when his wife returned.

Apologizing for taking so long she asked him if he peeked, which he assured her that he had not.

At that point, she removed the blindfold and was he surprised!!

There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish him a Happy Birthday!!!!!!

After 150 days of flooding, Noah released all the animals from his ark and commanded them to go forth and multiply.

After some time, he saw that the flocks and herds were regaining their numbers, but he came across a pair of snakes who had laid no eggs, and were just laying about.

“Why have you not multiplied?” he asked.

To which the snakes responded,

“we can’t, we’re adders.”

Noah being a quick thinker went off into the woods to fell some trees, and fastened them together into a platform.

He then placed the snakes on the platform and lo and behold the snakes immediately laid a clutch of eggs.

Because you see, even adders can multiply on a log table.

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic’s shop to have his truck fixed.

They couldn’t do it while he waited, so he said he didn’t live far away and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint.

He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.

However, struggling outside the store he now had the problem of how to carry all of his purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost.

She asked, “Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?”

The farmer said,

“Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can’t carry this lot.”

The old lady suggested,

“Why don’t you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand; put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?”

“Why thank you very much,” he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says “Let’s take my short cut and go down this alley. We’ll be there in no time.”

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said,

“I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won’t hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?”

The farmer said,

“Holy smokes lady! I’m carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?”

The old lady replied,

“Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I’ll hold the chickens.”

Joe was sitting at a bar. He was totally depressed. The bartender, serving him a drink, asked what was wrong.

“I’ll never understand women.” – said Joe.

“The other night on my birthday, my wife said as my gift, I could do with her what I wanted.”

“Wow! That’s quite some gift.” – said the bartender.

“So why are you so dejected?”

“Well I thought about it for a while” said Joe, “and decided to send her home to her mother, and now she won’t even speak to me!”